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Open Poetry #45
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tonydatillo
New Member
since 2009-10-27
Posts 3


0 posted 2009-10-27 11:47 PM


Looking for some advice here ... New to the forums and writing poetry for that matter, but felt compelled to write something to the one that I love, who is a bit distant these days ... Hoping for some critique and maybe some help with the last line ...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  

I want to be there to hold your hand when you are sad,

And I want to be there to smile back at you when you are glad.

I want to be there to help you through your struggles,

And I want to be there to witness your moments of pride.

I want to be there to wrap my arms around you when you are cold,

And I want to be there to wave a fan around your pretty face while you are working hard.

I want to be there when your wonderful children are feeling down,

And I want to be there to help you turn their frowns around.

I want to be there to ease your days of catastrophe,

And I want to be there to magnify your days of victory.

I want to be there for you through all that you can imagine,

I want to be there ... (THIS IS WHERE I NEED THE HELP, CAN'T FIGURE OUT A LAST LINE)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Thanks to all that have viewed this and to all those that may submit their comments

Tony D.


© Copyright 2009 tonydatillo - All Rights Reserved
Mysteria
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Member Laureate
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada
1 posted 2009-10-28 12:31 PM


Welcome to Passions and a very nice offering to your significant other I must say.  I might suggest the last line read, "I want to be there to turn your darkness into light."?

Please check your email for a welcome from all of us here, and I hope you will enjoy the forums as much as many long-time members do.

tonydatillo
New Member
since 2009-10-27
Posts 3

2 posted 2009-10-28 12:48 PM


Hmmmm ... I like that, if I were in a certain situation, but I don't think it fits mine.  I've been broken up with her for about six weeks and I don't want my first poem to her to make her feel like she is something "dark".  I think I'm looking for something more positive.  I don't know ... Maybe the entire poem has some darkness to it, but I think each line should display something that might make her smile.
suthern
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Member Seraphic
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723
Louisiana
3 posted 2009-10-29 09:31 AM


Actually, I like the last line just as it is... "I want to be there"... a simple summation of the want after detailing all the times you want to be there.

Welcome to Passions!

tonydatillo
New Member
since 2009-10-27
Posts 3

4 posted 2009-11-08 10:11 PM


Hmmm ... I never thought of just leaving it as it is, but now that you've mentioned, I think I really like it.

Thank you so much!


JamesMichael
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA
5 posted 2009-11-17 09:24 PM


Enjoyed...I liked the idea of stopping at "I want to be there."   Also I suggest..."I want to be there...with you is heaven"...James
Margherita
Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236
Eternity
6 posted 2009-11-18 08:45 AM


Welcome to Pip!

Lovely first offering.

I totally agree with Suthern's suggestion.  

Love,
Margherita

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