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Open Poetry #45
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young_blood
Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

0 posted 2009-10-22 02:18 PM


My apologies if this is found to be too offensive for the open forum.

"Meet me at 3" she said,
it was midnight.
I put together some cigarettes
and undercover vodka,
walked west around the canal
until I came to my favorite bench.
The water glistened erotically
as the moon humped its brains out.
I don't know how long the lunar porno lasted,
but dawn soon ran the natural lovers away.
My phone rang,
"Where were you? I waited two hours."
She said, sounding tired.
"I never promised to be punctual."

© Copyright 2009 Alex Lewis - All Rights Reserved
Lori Grosser Rhoden
Member Patricius
since 2009-10-10
Posts 10202
Fair to middlin' of nowhere
1 posted 2009-10-22 02:44 PM


loved it, loved your kicked back yet edgey as a rail style ~L
young_blood
Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN
2 posted 2009-10-22 02:47 PM


Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for taking time to comment.
Mysteria
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Member Laureate
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada
3 posted 2009-10-22 02:57 PM


I liked the idea in your poem but instead of using a verb or an adjective, I think you could have made this totally exceptional by using metaphors to replace some of the suggestive words to create the scene.  For instance,

The water glistened erotically
as the moon humped its brains out.
I don't know how long the lunar porno lasted,
but dawn soon ran the natural lovers away.

Water glistening as two entwined now spent
Fulfilled moon's need for release.
An erotic show that lasted
Until dawn ran the lover's away.

I am no good at these but I hope you got my idea       Loved the scene but found I stumbled when the story was laid out just a bit to clearly.


            
Sláinte mhaith!
Mysteria

young_blood
Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN
4 posted 2009-10-22 03:06 PM


Thanks mysteria! I appreciate the suggestion. I guess that I was purposely going for abrasive, I didn't want it to seem beautiful. In my mind this person sees this violent display of love making because of the distortion of alcohol. I guess its good that you wanted to make it beautiful, but this hapless character would have none of it! Thanks again for the suggestions and critique!
Mysteria
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Member Laureate
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada
5 posted 2009-10-22 03:15 PM


See?  Told ya, what the heck do I know?     That is me, the Rose-colored glasses type for sure.  

Psst - I would neva wait 2 hours for even Brad Pitt!

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