navwin » Archives » Open Poetry #45 » new doors
Open Poetry #45
Post A Reply Post New Topic new doors Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
2islander2
Member Ascendant
since 2008-03-12
Posts 6825
by the sea

0 posted 2009-10-05 08:06 PM



new doors can be hidden by desastrous mists,
by bearable morals all along circumstances,
by pains in back or submurging sorrows,
by worried childhood near naughty vines,
new doors can be exposed to exagerated celebrity
or exposed to scary deprived winters or people,
new doors can appear in empty pans or
confronted to middle class smiles behind curtains,
Sometimes they open hopes or meaningful openness
sometimes they close prisons or fate but
everytime one door closes another opens
like these new doors you didn’t know when you were
so confident.

© Copyright 2009 yann rolland - All Rights Reserved
Bob K
Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208

1 posted 2009-10-06 03:55 AM


Dear Yann,

         I think after some time I am beginning to understand you, just a little bit.  You are a man who is looking for a method of making leaps into the miraculous with his language.  I can see the something of the beginnings of your method in your search for adjectives.  For these initial drafts, nothing needs to be done, your method is working well.  It is from this point you need to ask yourself how to get beyond the usual expectations.    I cannot give you a definite answers, but I may be able to offer you perhaps something of a merely mechanical  place to begin your search, to make it more methodical.

     Let’s look at one of your noun/adjective pairings.  (A word about spelling.  I am a terrible speller.  Therefore I suggest to all my fellow spelling monsters that they join me in using their spell-check function every time they can.)  “[D]esastrous [sic] mists”  has a lot going for it, especially in terms of the sound and the part rhyme, which offer a charm hard to resist.  “Disaster” is a lovely linking with “mists.”  It may actually be the right choice.  

     Placing it so closely beside beside  “new doors”  and “beareable morals,” however, takes away from the unique achievement here.  You must find some way to make these other two choice points (and you did not know they were choice points until you got to the point of revision.  Trying to do this earlier would have simply bogged you down) sparkle on their own.    One might wish to make each of the other two pairing even more fascinating than “disastrous mists,”  but this would be very difficult to do.  Part of the problem is the repetition of the same structure three times within such a short pace has jaded the reader with it.  Save the adjective/noun structure with the very telling adjective for those places where you can make it work to the greatest advantage for the poem.  Perhaps use it once in two or three lines, and try other structures to replace it where possible.

     Consider looking for synonyms for “new doors.”  If you can’t find an exact match, be willing to be led a bit by possibly interesting new possibilities.  “Portals” would probably not work for you; perhaps “entries” or “entrances.”  There are so many, and in the end, “new doors” remains.  No need to pay attention to me, after all.  The “morals” you are considering are probably “bearable;” but if read your text a bit, you may find that you want something here that will help you keep the picture of the mists before the eyes of the reader.  You have started to become visual, which is a very good thing for a poet.  If you give that up, you should understand that your reader is different than you are.

     For you, that transition will be seamless, from visual image to the next thing that you are doing.  You will not necessarily experience a gap in the presentation of the poem.  It is indeed possible that your reader will.  Having grown used to sight, blindness or even the temporary absence of sight can be disconcerting for the reader.  When a poem is very well done, you go, Ah h, and sigh in comfort, because these things have been taken into account.  When they have not, the majority of potential readers say, Pfui, modern poetry, I don’t understand it.  It’s all so difficult, it’s so symbolic.

     It not so symbolic, most of the time, it’s simply that the poets don’t know to pay attention to these things.  Keep the pictures clear.

     For now, enough.  I have grown tired.

     Let me say a thing or two about the ability to leap beyond, though, since I said I would to start out.

    
By worried childhood near naughty vines


     The above is a very nice line.  You have, once again, your problem with the overused noun/adjective pairings that come too closely together.  Let’s look at the second one, “naughty vines.”

     Where does a guy get a noun/adjective pairing like this one?  Well, of course, anyplace; but most likely from an associative pairing of the word “vines” with one of the qualities of the the thing, “vines.”  That is, “vines” tend to get tangled and tied up in “knots,” at least our english-speaking and less elegant vines do, and, alas, your poor French vines have all been using American root stock for more than a hundred years now.  I won’t tell if you won’t.  One of the qualities of “knots” is that they are “knotty,” and difficult to unravel.  Hence, “naughty,” or risque.  Vines that deserve a round of punishment, perhaps.

     This may not be the round of associations you used to get to the adjective.  It is the round of associations I used to get there.  If your route was different, use your route, and the same process.  You see, what we have is we have a quality of “vines” that we find amusant  and enjoyable, but we might wish to take a little bit further.    Well, we might run our chain of associations off the word “naughty,” if that’s still fun for us, or we might run our train of association off one of the other associations we came up with in the process.  Risque or amusant.  From amusant to Amazon to Amazonian vines and then a wild leap to Bougainvillea.  There’s one possible direction, even though we’re talking South Pacific and not Amazon River at all.  
Or from Naughty to dotty to spotty to “speckled vines.”

     Since I spent time grumbling about the particular method of adjective/noun pairing, we might want to try to introduce so variation there, too.

By a childhood spent worrying beside speckled vines [.]

     “Speckled” is just a minor possibility, of course.  I suspect you are hunting the transcendent abstraction.  “Transcendent” makes me associate to “iridescent,” by the way, which might be an interesting thing for your vines to pretend to be at least until they come to their senses, and do something closer to what you would like them to do.  I use the word merely as a means to illustrate the method.

     I hope there’s something here that’s useful to you, Yann.  I like your stuff more each time.  The fact that it’s in English, a second language for you, astonishes me.  Much praise.

Yours, Bob Kaven

Margherita
Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236
Eternity
2 posted 2009-10-06 11:35 AM


I love how you reflect upon new doors, dear Yann! Sometimes too much caution might mean a lost opportunity and sometimes exaggerated enthusiasm may bring disappointment.

You certainly impressed the first reader who commented above.

You impress me too always.

Love,
Margherita

BluesSerenade
Member Patricius
since 2001-10-23
Posts 10549
By the Seaside
3 posted 2009-10-06 09:20 PM


I think this is true to life and in your face.  I like it, I like it!

The whole idea of doors opening and closing lends itself to opportunity
and endless possibilities.  Certainly not a win win situation,
but wisdom is gained as we learn life's lessons.

Good one, islander~

2islander2
Member Ascendant
since 2008-03-12
Posts 6825
by the sea
4 posted 2009-10-07 03:33 AM


thank you Bob for your so kind comments and so  helpful, I read it with  attention and will care.

have  a nice day

yann

2islander2
Member Ascendant
since 2008-03-12
Posts 6825
by the sea
5 posted 2009-10-07 03:34 AM


Thank you Margherita for the kind comment, I appreciated your thoughts.

have  a nice day

yann

2islander2
Member Ascendant
since 2008-03-12
Posts 6825
by the sea
6 posted 2009-10-07 03:35 AM


Thanks blue serenade; doors are important through all our lives, in abstract sense and concrete sense too.

have  a nice day

yann

Artic Wind
Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 8080
Realm of Supernatural
7 posted 2009-10-07 03:24 PM


Always good to have opened doors of new. This is a great way to move forward in life and feel positive that these doors have success moving forward.


ARCTIC WIND

brneyedgrly
Senior Member
since 2009-06-08
Posts 1125
nowhere and everywhere
8 posted 2009-10-07 07:13 PM



yann is back

and with more doors!!

this was my fav line:

"confronted to middle class smiles behind curtains,"

I think your poem is perfect how it is  



Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Open Poetry #45 » new doors

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary