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Open Poetry #45
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Huan Yi
Member Ascendant
since 2004-10-12
Posts 6688
Waukegan

0 posted 2009-08-05 10:18 AM


.


Our lives
Are filling up
With graves

The morning
Sunlight
On summer flowers

Somewhere
Nowhere
A single dove

Its silence
Better
Than any words


.

© Copyright 2009 John Pawlik - All Rights Reserved
Margherita
Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236
Eternity
1 posted 2009-08-05 07:01 PM


Poignant!

Love,
M

secondhanddreampoet
Member Ascendant
since 2006-11-07
Posts 6394
a 'Universalist' !
2 posted 2009-08-05 08:46 PM


well done!!
Misty Lilacs
Senior Member
since 2005-11-15
Posts 1060
White Birch Forest
3 posted 2009-08-06 10:38 AM


Loved this as it touched my heart!

ooxx  Marti

________________________
I do the MS Walk everyday!

D.Lester Young
Senior Member
since 2001-12-08
Posts 1219
Austin, Tx
4 posted 2009-08-06 11:13 AM


Compact, tight, and powerful delivery. This is hard to do, you have the quill of a poet. Dave will be proud of the dedication.
Bob K
Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208

5 posted 2009-08-06 02:06 PM


Dear Huan Yi,

                     This works the way it is.  A good poem, and well drawn.

     Considerations:  Does the name of a specific summer flower, probably not roses, change the poem in a worthwhile way?

     Would making the single dove a morning dove have an effect?  Would giving the dove a color have an effect, grey or white?

     What effect does the word "any" have in the final line that makes it necessary?   You write in a spare style that is jealous of wasted space.

     All of these considerations are obsessive sorts of thoughts.  I think of these things in my own work, and my stuff takes ungodly long periods of time to finish, so I can't say that you should take up my considerations.  And you already have a good poem here.  I offer them in the spirit of Vallerie's "A poem is never finished, it is only abandoned."

Respectfully, Bob Kaven


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