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Open Poetry #45
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We shall remain (My best yet please comment!)
| Open Poetry #45 |
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We shall remain (My best yet please comment!) |
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Penwing Member
since 2009-07-27
Posts 73Waverly, MN |
Through solemn eyes I look upon this night. The soft moonlight reflecting off of the calm midnight waves. I think to myself that there has never been anything more beautiful. I hear soft footsteps behind me... There she stands in all the grace and beauty of a godess, and as i look into her eyes I realize that I was wrong. eyes unwavering I take her hand and understand. That as the moon will fade And the water will dry we will remain together her and I. ,Alex |
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| © Copyright 2009 Alex Hecker - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Yo Alex, This is interesting. You have some good end rhymes. Bobby |
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D.Lester Young Senior Member
since 2001-12-08
Posts 1219Austin, Tx |
This has the strength of your character(s), enjoyed. |
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Bill Charles Member Patricius
since 2000-07-11
Posts 10619highways, & byways, for now |
Penwing - nice write... BC |
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angellea Member
since 2009-03-29
Posts 144NC, USA |
beautiful write,penwing. welcome to pip! |
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Margherita Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236Eternity |
Yes, indeed, this is very lovely. Your awareness of eternal beauty is heartwarming. Love, Margherita |
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Penwing Member
since 2009-07-27
Posts 73Waverly, MN |
Thanks for the kind words guys i had written this with a girl i had known in mind nothing ever came of us but its still a good poem nevertheless |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Enjoyed...To believe in love is to open a world of opportunities...James |
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Alison 
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Very nice - it has a good flow and tells a story that I enjoy. Alison |
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Oklahoma Rose Senior Member
since 2008-02-28
Posts 1586Oklahoma USA |
A beautiful write, Penwing! |
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icebox Member Elite
since 2003-05-03
Posts 4383in the shadows |
some thoughts: Through solemn eyes I look upon this night. [ My solemn eyes take in this night ] The soft moonlight reflecting off of the calm midnight waves. [ Calm midnight waves reflect soft moonlight ] I think to myself that there has never been anything more beautiful. [ I will never know more beauty ] I hear soft footsteps behind me... [ soft footsteps fall behind me ] There she stands in all the grace and beauty of a godess, and as i look into her eyes I realize that I was wrong. [ She stands a goddess beyond grace and beauty I see in her eyes I was wrong ] eyes unwavering I take her hand and understand. [ Taking her offered hand I understand ] That as the moon will fade And the water will dry [ moons fade sands dry ] we will remain together her and I. [ we will remain she and I ] |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
I read that you appreciate all in-put. Well, I just learned a thing or two from icebox's contstructive critque. (He is a master poet in the eyes of many other poets!  )I would love to have him as my personal editor! ~ Run everything past him! lol I enjoyed the imagery and the heart and soul expressions of your poem!  EA |
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Kaoru
since 2003-06-07
Posts 3892where the wild flowers grow |
Enjoyed the write. I'm going to give a firm, approving nod to Icebox's comment, also. On occasion, it is what you don't write that conveys a deeper, more metaphorical message. |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
There are people in this site who can give great constructive advice. I hope that you take the thought icebox has offered and look them over carefully. It's a wonderful thing when people reach out to help like that. I like his suggestions and I like your poem. A |
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