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Mistletoe Angel
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Member Empyrean
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon

0 posted 2009-07-30 03:31 AM


(I've been busy with this final promotional sprint before next week's unveiling of the first ever ErosFest Northwest in Portland, so I thought I'd share another old summer favorite to remind everyone here (and show to newbies) that I can, and love to write more than just saucy stuff! )

    

Lawn Enforcer
By: Noah Eaton
6/21/07

Summer’s really humming now, you know what that implies,
time for an epic re-match versus those sly spider mites,
allied with aphids, whiteflies, those sly sweet potato weevils,
and tomato hornworms that can spark quite an upheaval.

There’s young chinch bugs infesting my aunt’s St. Augustine grass,
and mole crickets and armyworms residing in her thatch,
her Lambert cherry trees are detained by keen curculios,
and don’t get me started on those Asian tiger mosquitos.

Her playground has become a breeding ground for miller moths,
they treat her clothesline like a buffet and feast on her tea cloth,
and there’s something in her hair that keeps making her itch and twitch,
her hubby's begged to walk with her and have her checked for ticks.

Her garden has so many weeds they can write an epistle,
rendered callow by roundleaf mallow and hordes of bull thistle,
there’s nothing Louis Vuitton here, only some shepherd’s purse,
and kudzu vines that toe the line and curse doggerel verse.

Klingons must have camped there cuz it’s flecked with fairy rings,
perhaps it’s where Baba Yaga had staged witch gatherings,
meanwhile she’s began to see brigades of dollar spots,
pummeling her backyard with a thousand backhand shots.

Yes, her property is now a muddied quesadilla,
seasoned with everything from mildew to rhizoctonia,
there’s even an extended family of armadillos,
that dug into her crawlspace and dwelled upon her throw pillows.

Finally she blurted out, “I can’t take this anymore,
I’m heading right now on down to the Hippo Hardware Store!”
So my aunt Polly hurried and boarded her Segway,
and rushed down Burnside Avenue this white hot summer day.

When she first got there, a thousand questions filled her head,
but she didn’t know where to start, her thoughts came out unsaid,
then suddenly she heard the “Dragnet” theme song fill the room,
and a Joe Friday imposter appeared with a broom.

He stood tall at 6 feet, 8 inches and had twice my weight,
and had more grass stains on his khakis than the Bluegrass State,
a sun hat was slouched on his head, and he wore Ray-Ban shades,
and wore more Eagle Scout badges than Seargent Mitchell Paige.

“My name is Toupee—I'm a lawn enforcer!” he remarked,
“I just want the facts ma’am, now tell me, where should we start?”
“My lawn’s a biohazard site”, she said, “I need your help,
can you come over and inspect it before I yelp?”

“Listen, hot shot…”, he answered back, “I’ll tell you something now,
I’ve been in this business forty-six years, and won’t kowtow,
to any pest, whether it be fungi, rodent or weed,
for my job is to observe and correct lawns in great need!”

Then Moe Toupee digressed deep into his soliloquy:
“Being a lawn enforcer ain’t all it’s cracked up to be,
unless you don’t mind being stung by hotshot killer bees,
and working Saturdays and Sundays on your hands and knees.

Better plan to see the Racine de Monville on TV,
for every lawn afflicted has thousands of snooping fleas,
and most of the time you’ll run down leads that dead-end on you,
you’ll crawl ‘til you swear you’ve met each worm in the meadow rue.

But there's also this: there are many men in this town,
who know to be a lawn enforcer is to be renowned,
it’s an endless, glamourless job that's gotta be done,
so ma’am, I’m at your service, now let’s take it on the run!”

So they sallied back to my aunt’s home in Goose Hollow,
thunderstruck by the sight of rats nesting like barn swallows,
right in the rot hole of the oak tree in her front yard,
and woodchucks feasting upon her alfalfa and swiss chard.

My aunt said, “By the way, I’m ecologically conscious,
so whatever you suggest we do, first you must promise,
you not use any chemicals or pendimethalin,
also, please apply a modest amount of nitrogen!”

He said, “No worries, ma’am, I know firsthand of their dangers,
I think green in my practice, I cast aside triclopyr,
in fact, I used to work at Kokopelli’s Green Market,
where you won’t be caught dead with anything non-organic!”

So the lawn enforcer set course on his full inspection,
then once he was complete he offered her some suggestions,
first he pointed to her lawn mower in her garage,
then offered a stern but quite educational barrage.

He said, “The average lawn mower is hardly efficient,
releasing high rates of carbon monoxide emissions,
producing up to five percent of our air pollution,
threatening our air quality and the Aleutians.

Factually, seventeen million gallons of gasoline,
are spilled each year when we have lawn equipment refueling,
to put that in perspective, that’s more than Exxon Valdez,
so listen up, and listen well, to what I might suggest.

Get yourself some Ecoturf, you’ll save a lot on mowing,
the grass only grows to a certain height, yet keeps glowing,
it’s got clover providing soil-fixing nitrogen,
and it s very hardy so you won’t take it on the chin.

Next up, traditional sprinklers waste tons of H2O,
because they spray at the top of the grass, but not below,
a drip irrigation system will nurture each plant’s roots,
while conserving much water and saving money too.

Instead of herbicides, I recommend corn gluten meal,
it acts as a natural pre-emergent a great deal,
preventing weed germination by drying out their seeds,
this according to Iowa State University.

Make sure to test your soil’s pH fairly regularly,
between six-point-five and seven is considered healthy,
when the soil is too acidic, add a hint of lime,
and when it’s not acidic enough, sulfur works just fine.

Mow often, but not too short, it needs no Marine cut,
surface roots just become exposed and aeration undercut,
don’t cut off more than a third of the grass at any time,
when kept around three inches tall, your lawn will look sublime.

Last off, as an extra, to give your lawn greater appeal,
enhance it with some crocuses or Roman chamomile,
they’ll give your lawn a sort of Granny apple potpourri,
branded with my customer satisfaction guarantee!

Do this and you’ll win the fight against those sly spider mites,
your lawn will be immune of fairy rings and apple blight,
those curculios and mosquitos will yield in billows,
and those armadillos will abstain from your throw pillows!”

My aunt was so relieved that she was reduced to great tears,
wailing, “Oh, sir, your expertise is music to my ears,
thank you sir, oh thank you, I’ll recommend you to my friends!”
And he said, “That’s just my job, ma’am, seeing things through the end!”

So after three long weeks of hard work and following through,
the lawn enforcer tipped his wide-brimmed hat and bid adieu,
so if you need a lawn care expert who is tried and true,
please contact the law enforcer for a tip……or two!


    


"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other"

Mother Teresa

© Copyright 2009 Nadia Lockheart - All Rights Reserved
Margherita
Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236
Eternity
1 posted 2009-07-30 06:36 AM


Well, dear Noah, you are too much! A dramatically funny read!

Love,
Margherita


Midnitesun
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647
Gaia
2 posted 2009-07-30 10:37 AM


Lots of info spread like 'eco-friendly clean compost' with a grand dose of humor.

I like the wild look, currently have a large 'bird seed' garden with wildflowers and freebies from the critters, as well as two more modest 'tended' ovals. Mostly perennials, black eyed Susans, echinacea, lavender, mint, and half dozen sunflowers alongside marigolds, tomato plants and basil.

My preference is always native plants, mixed with a smattering handful of petunias, dianthus, and snapdragons, and a few other assorted brightly colored annuals.  I would likely enjoy your aunt's yard.

Robert E. Jordan
Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
3 posted 2009-07-30 11:23 AM


Yo Mistletoe Angel,

This is funny.  It makes me glad I have my small backyard done in concrete.

Have fun with the saucy stuff.

Bobby

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA
4 posted 2009-07-30 08:00 PM


Enjoyable and informational...James
Earth Angel
Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215
Realms of Light
5 posted 2009-07-31 12:15 PM


Noah, this is brilliantly hysterical!

In our neighborhood, the yards are finely coiffed ~ except for one! My oh my! Their weeds reach up to the sky! They need the assistance of the Lawn Enforcer!

~ Mind you, I think that weeds can be beautiful! ~ But none of our neighbors think so!

"Yes, her property is now a muddied quesadilla,
seasoned with everything from mildew to rhizoctonia,"

~ You crack me up!!!

Loves 'n Lawns,
Linda
P.S. Enjoy your 'Erotic' Fest!

Oklahoma Rose
Senior Member
since 2008-02-28
Posts 1586
Oklahoma USA
6 posted 2009-07-31 09:14 PM


It's good to see you again, Noah!
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