The Price Of a Moment (pantoum)

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Yoinn
Senior Member

since 2007-08-16

Posts 649
Michigan

0 posted 2009-07-26 12:02 PM

The Price Of a Moment

For the price of a moment
I would risk everything
To hold such a divine vision
How often I would lie

I would risk everything
I would give up my very sanity
How often I would lie
For just one heart stopping beautiful night

I would give up my very sanity
For surely it is insane
For just one heart stopping beautiful night
For one timeless breathless instant

For surely it is insane
To surrender to the aching need
For one timeless breathless instant
To find my lost dreams waiting in your eyes.

Yoin

This is my first attempt at a Pantoum, critiques are welcome

norunnin
Member

since 2008-10-16

Posts 71

1 posted 2009-07-26 12:19 PM

that is a structurally sound pantoum. beyond that insanity is inspired but you will be burned by that fire, not only that but isolated i an ivory spire, meaning that there will be no one with which to conspire. when looking into anothers eyes you will see disgust contempt but certainly not desire.
from painful personal experiance. ya know?

Yoinn
Senior Member

since 2007-08-16

Posts 649
Michigan

2 posted 2009-07-26 12:40 PM

well i did mispell attempt (typo) but since that wasn't part of the poem it doesn't really need a critique. And for the rest of your statement ummm I don't think insanity has any thing to do with inspiration. Getting burned by fire...na I don't think so. Lets see the odds of me spending time in a spire and not finding anyone to conspire with...not good i think. Oh by the way you mispelled "in" and finally since i doubt you know the women that i write about you probally don't have any idea what might be found in her eyes. The one thing that i will give you is you may know more about insanity than me.

Thanks for effort

Yoin

norunnin
Member

since 2008-10-16

Posts 71

3 posted 2009-07-26 01:04 AM

lol duly noted, by the master i have been cleary smoted. i my defence i approached with relevace not irrevrance. so my metaphor is a bore whats more reading my post must have been a laborious chore. sorry if i insulted her whom you adore. whats more you dont have to be so sore.
ps your poem wasnt clear that it was about one you held dear.

brneyedgrly
Senior Member

since 2009-06-08

Posts 1125
nowhere and everywhere

4 posted 2009-07-26 01:54 AM

~excuse me yo~

mr norunnin...please be nice...

there are several misspelled words in your posts as well

and some of your comments were just mean

~yo

this is a beautiful poem and the yearning you feel for your girl is finely expressed and I'm sure will reflect in her eyes

love ya,

berney

Marchmadness
Member Rara Avis

since 2007-09-16

Posts 9271
So. El Monte, California

5 posted 2009-07-26 03:10 AM

I actually don't know much about a pantoum.
but I do know I like this.
Ida

2islander2
Member Ascendant

since 2008-03-12

Posts 6825
by the sea

6 posted 2009-07-26 03:50 AM

Hello Youn, don't know what is a pantoum but the containt of the poem is very accurate, some french poets in 19th and 20th century acted as insanity was good for inspiration...I think of Rimbaud and Henri Michaud who go so far in poetry...Thanks for the very thoughtful and well crafted poem.

yann

ThisDiamond
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-02-22

Posts 9353
Michigan, USA

7 posted 2009-07-26 09:29 AM

Your choice of venue for this universal theme was very well suited. I have found that Pantoum is particularly challenging to meter, as the structure is precise and intricate. I enjoyed the effortless float down your emotions here. A sigh, slightly sober, gently aching... Well done.
In the reading, I found myself taking pause at certain spots. Consider writing those pauses intentionally, to cue the reader.

Yoinn
Senior Member

since 2007-08-16

Posts 649
Michigan

8 posted 2009-07-26 12:43 PM

Norunnin,
No worries, I perhaps didn't quite understand your metaphoric reply and critique. upon reading it again I see no malice on your part.

Be well my friend

Yoin

Just reworked my old poetry page. Check it out before geocities takes it down. Yoin

Yoinn
Senior Member

since 2007-08-16

Posts 649
Michigan

9 posted 2009-07-26 12:47 PM

thank you berney,
I am always lifted by your praise.

Yoin

Just reworked my old poetry page. Check it out before geocities takes it down. Yoin

Yoinn
Senior Member

since 2007-08-16

Posts 649
Michigan

10 posted 2009-07-26 01:02 PM

Ida and Yann,
lol I don't think i know what a pantoum is either after reading this attempt by me.
In a nutshell it is this: the 2nd line of the first stanza becomes the first line of the following stanza. the 4th line becomes the 3rd in the following stanza. and continues down the page this way.
In this poem which I wrote free verse which is my normal write then thought I would see how it worked in the pantoum structure. Well..I think there are mixed results when I step back and read it the next day. The original thrust of the poem was ment to be the amount and the depth that the subject was willing to go thru for this women he loved, but because so many of the repeating lines had the word "insane" or "insanity" in them it drove the poem in a different direction then I first intended. I think this is what norunnin picked up on in his read. Well anyways I have learned a little something and thats what posting, commenting, critiues are ultimatly about, learning and growing.

thanks, Yoin

Yoinn
Senior Member

since 2007-08-16

Posts 649
Michigan

11 posted 2009-07-26 01:10 PM

Thank you TD,
for the praise and solid advice. Controling the silence in free verse is always a must. delaying it for intensity and prolonging it for impact. It is this loose control of meter instead of rythmatic patterns that gives the free verse its impact in my view.

yoin

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