Help with my sonnet - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Thunderclees87
New Member

since 2009-07-25

Posts 2

0 posted 2009-07-25 09:21 PM

I don't know if this is the best place to post this, but I am interested in some critiques on the sonnet I just wrote. I've written very little poetry so I'm not sure if this is any good. The poem is intended as a gift for a girl who I've recently become romantically involved with and I'm hoping to make a good impression.

First Kiss

What fortune is it that I should have found,
Such passion there within you I knew not?
Emotions leap and longing now abounds.
New blossoms from a friendship's withered lot.

In parting, my heart yearns to see your face.
Each moment since, I've though of naught but you.
True pain is now the lack of your embrace.
Then would for all this to be made untrue?

But no, thy beauty ceaseless and untamed,
Doth beckon me to this sheer state of bliss.
New heights of joy and wonder yet unnamed,
Have risen in my heart since our first kiss.

'Twas then you truly set my heart on fire.
'Twas then I truly found my heart's desire.

Please let me know what you think is good or bad about it. Suggestions on how to improve are very welcome.

Huan Yi
Member Ascendant

since 2004-10-12

Posts 6688
Waukegan

1 posted 2009-07-25 09:32 PM

.

What fortune
That I should have found,
Such passion there within you

Emotions leap
And longing abounds.
New blossoms
From a friendship's
Withered lot.

My heart
Yearns to see your face.

Pain now
Is the lack of your embrace.

.

A thought

John

.

Thunderclees87
New Member

since 2009-07-25

Posts 2

2 posted 2009-07-25 09:38 PM

Thanks for the reply, but would you mind explaining why you like it better that way? It seems to leave out a lot of stuff. Do you think that stuff was no good? Also my intention was to write a sonnet. Do you think that's a bad idea?

Margherita
Member Seraphic

since 2003-02-08

Posts 22236
Eternity

3 posted 2009-07-26 12:01 PM

Welcome to Pip!

Independently of the form - of which I am no expert - your poem is lovely.

But if you want this sonnet to receive a constructive critique you might want to post it on "Poetry Workshop", another forum here on Passions in Poetry.

Good luck with the sonnet and with your love!

Margherita

btw on your profile you have said that you don't want any critique ....

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.