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Open Poetry #45
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Stand By You
| Open Poetry #45 |
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Stand By You |
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detrix23 New Member
since 2009-07-12
Posts 5 |
Stand By You You fall and think you'll never rise again. Look around and all you see are shadows. The sun no longer seems to shine for you. A scream rings out in the silence, but no one hears the painful outcry. Then you realize that it’s coming from you. But don’t give up because I’ll stand by you. Let the world turn its back, cause I’m right next to you. But you don’t see me standing right here. You’ve closed your heart and mind to those around you. That forms a doom to surround you. Sitting in a corner veiled in darkness, with no hope for tomorrow. But don’t worry because I’ll stand by you. Let the world turn its back, cause I’m right next to you. But you don’t see me standing right here. Bang my fists against the dome, the world you shut me out of. Oh, why don’t you hear me screaming out . . . your name? Through thick and thin, through every strife of your life I’ll be there. Because this is what they call a friend; I’ll stand by you, till the world stops turning and we meet the end. So just let me in. I’ll be there . . . I’ll be there for you. I think I use you way too much, also the flow seems very broken. Please tell me what you think and suggestions are welcome. |
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| © Copyright 2009 detrix23 - All Rights Reserved | |||
Mysteria 
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
First, welcome to the site, you are going to love it here. It takes a while until you know what goes where  This was a wonderful first posting, almost a song? The repetition of "you" in "I’ll stand by you" is actually a good thing, or at least I liked it for emphasis? Some lines could be changed slightly to eliminate "you" such as this one...You’ve closed your heart and mind to those around you to" Your heart is closed to those around get the idea?I think you would get way more comments and replies if you were to ask a moderator to move this to the Open Forum though, as that is where poetry goes. This forum is only for "story writing." Just click on one of the moderators above, and they will be glad to move it for you. It is a good idea to click on each to get the "feel" for what goes where. This one could even go into Spiritual it is very moving. Check your email for a special welcome from all of us to you as well. Again,  |
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