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Why......
| Open Poetry #45 |
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Why...... |
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Verve Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 348Singapore |
A deafening silence, A reluctant defiance, An exposed heart, Now the words will no longer matter. I laid my heart bare, and you gave your soul. But now it is hard to carry on, for we both know it will lead nowhere. How did we come to this, when we wanted so much more. Yet we committed the fatal sin, of saying more than we mean. The time is over, The tenderness has passed and died. The dream now dead, No longer can I wait. "Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point. |
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| © Copyright 2009 Regina Ng C. L. - All Rights Reserved | |||
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alphapendragon Junior Member
since 2009-06-23
Posts 15NY, USA |
I feel your overstanding of a lost dream, a lost love, and realizing the inner romantic. |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
"C'mon batter me... I learn faster that way." This seems pretty tried, and worn out. I feel you on the emotional notes, but the way you presented this is very cliche. It seems more like a journal entry poem than a poem you'd want to read in front of a giant crowd, know what I mean? I think saying less about "hearts" and "souls" and presenting that information in a way that is more captivating and awe-inducing is what you need to make this piece more appealing. Not being harsh here, or a jerk, or whatever. I just saw you encouraged constructive critiques.  P Thirty bits of glass had become my teeth, |
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Verve Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 348Singapore |
Alphapendragon, thanks! =) Viking_metal, well yes, you are right, I did not really think about the presentation when I wrote it.... in fact I didn't even proof read before posting. Hah. I was overcame suddenly and decided to write it as is. But thanks for your comments. I will relook into this one and see how else I can improve on it. =) |
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