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 The Tattoo
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Passions in Poetry

The Tattoo

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madelyn
Member
since 09-03-2009
Posts 172
Purgatory


0 posted 10-02-2011 02:33 AM       View Profile for madelyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for madelyn

Wanna hear something funny?
Wanna have a good laugh?
Hey, I got a joke
Thatíll make your ribs hurt and your heart ache

A man got a tattoo
An intricate design
He canít afford
He paid for it in full
With the banks money
Whatís another thousand
Added to his debt?

Still not laughing?
You still donít find it funny?
Oh, donít worry,
The punch lines coming up

Inscribed in this
Intricate design
Are four names
His wifeís
and
His three kids
but

And hereís the funny bit
Here is the bit that made me laugh so hard
I cried

He actually has five kids!
So where did their names go?

Oh I see
Youíre trying to find a spot for them now
Youíre thinking of adding them now
Uh huh sure you want their names on your arm too
Yeah, sure
You forgot to add them
Okay, whatever
Sure you didnít think theyíd care
No, no
I understand
Completely

Really?
You didnít find the funny?
Hysterical?
Hilarious?
Heart-breaking?
Yeah.
Well I did
But maybe thatís because he hasnít called me in over six years
Seven next month
Yeah, maybe itís because
The only reason I know about the other kids
Is because of a friend of a friend of a friend
Maybe I find this so funny
Ďcause itís not the first time heís neglected to remember me.
But hey, what would I know?
Iím only his forgotten child.

My pen is the barrel of a gun. Remind me which side you should be on.

© Copyright 2011 MEA - All Rights Reserved
nakdthoughts
Member Laureate
since 10-29-2000
Posts 19399
Between the Lines


1 posted 10-02-2011 10:53 AM       View Profile for nakdthoughts   Email nakdthoughts   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nakdthoughts

your words are touching me today~~



M
rachel_anubis
Junior Member
since 03-24-2011
Posts 43


2 posted 10-13-2011 10:09 PM       View Profile for rachel_anubis   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for rachel_anubis

Touching
jwesley
Member Rara Avis
since 04-30-2000
Posts 7056
Texas . . .


3 posted 04-12-2012 11:22 PM       View Profile for jwesley   Email jwesley   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for jwesley

Another easy and topical read, my friend. My dad left when I was two...sixty-six years ago -
never, ever, called...

we go on . . .

j.
Bob K
Member Elite
since 11-03-2007
Posts 3860


4 posted 04-13-2012 06:12 PM       View Profile for Bob K   Email Bob K   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Bob K



     Tattooed the name of his wife and his three kids.

     Got it.

     Had five kids?

     Got it.

     You're the left out kid?

     Don't get it.

     Three and one don't make five; they make four.

     Who are you leaving out in the middle of your hurt, and why?

     Got it that the old man is a real piece of work with serious loyalty problems and really serious memory problems and really really serious  problems understanding his obligations to others because he comes first ahead of children, prior family obligations, what feels good, resentments and banks, if your poem is any indication.

     If you choose to revise, and this poem is good enough as is, so you don't really have to, you may want to tackle the things that may come up in some readers' minds as a result of your method of tackling this version, which, as I say, is more than good enough: Who is this other kid?  What is the writer's relationship with this other kid, or does this other kid even exist for the writer?

     If not, then some subtraction might be called for in the original text to keep the focus purely on the rage and resentment that the writer feels for the dork of a dad.  Why split the reader's attention, really?

     The nature of a lyric is such that it helps to keep the reader focused on a single thing, and your poem would be improved by helping your readers keep that focus.

     Yes, it's clear you worked hard and the work is paying you back.  I would hope that other people like it; there's a lot to like about it.

     Sincerely, Bob Kaven

voice2bheard
Senior Member
since 10-19-2007
Posts 583
New York


5 posted 05-27-2012 08:55 PM       View Profile for voice2bheard   Email voice2bheard   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit voice2bheard's Home Page   View IP for voice2bheard

I can relate to this poem very deeply, having  gone through it with my mother, thought that she was neglecting me, when really it was my dad who didnt want anything to with me or my sisters and I still ive with him, it hurts and its horrible the wort than any child shuld have to go through!

Kate_Mcfee (Lily's Mom)

Bluesy Socrateaser
Senior Member
since 11-07-2002
Posts 561
In The Mirror


6 posted 01-25-2017 07:46 PM       View Profile for Bluesy Socrateaser   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Bluesy Socrateaser

No tattoo, no calculator, no problem. You're here. Don't perpetuate the mistakes. Live respectfully well.

...just bein' Bluesy

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