How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Main Forums
 Teen Poetry #9
 If I penetrate my heart
 1 2 3 4 5
Follow us on Facebook

 Moderated by: Acies, Dopey Dope, SEA   (Admins )

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

If I penetrate my heart

 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
maddorani
Member
since 11-18-2007
Posts 419
houston,tx


0 posted 04-16-2011 08:43 PM       View Profile for maddorani   Email maddorani   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for maddorani

i want some feedback for this poem please enjoy


If I penetrate
My heart will it hurt
Will it bleed?

But to me what
Difference would
It make because
My heart has already
Been penetrated
It has already been
Hurt countless times

My heart also has
Become bloody,
And I became
An inert corpse
Thatís just lying
There in front
Of my penetrated
Heart thatís been
Pierced through
And disintegrated
Like shards of glass

I wonder if my
Heart can be
Fixed again
I wonder if my
Heart can be
Alive again
I wonder if my
Heart can be
Exultant

Because me and
My heart forgot
How to live
Forgot how to
Be exultant
And forgot
How to feel
Anything

What will happen if
I penetrate my heart
Will it hurt?
Will it bleed?

Because my heart
Has been already
Penetrated and
Has been hurt
Countless Times
And could never be
Fixed again


© Copyright 2011 madiha - All Rights Reserved
abhursty
Junior Member
since 02-25-2009
Posts 45


1 posted 04-16-2011 11:36 PM       View Profile for abhursty   Email abhursty   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for abhursty

I love the story. Okay, not the story, just the way your wrote it. Anyway, it just seems a bit choppy. Maybe if you combined a few lines here and there. Other then that, I love it.
maddorani
Member
since 11-18-2007
Posts 419
houston,tx


2 posted 04-17-2011 12:30 AM       View Profile for maddorani   Email maddorani   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for maddorani

ok thank you so where does it seem choppy from so that i can fix it and thank you
maddorani
Member
since 11-18-2007
Posts 419
houston,tx


3 posted 04-17-2011 02:20 PM       View Profile for maddorani   Email maddorani   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for maddorani

if you don't mind can you show it to me of what you mean
LaGraceLa
Member
since 01-30-2011
Posts 242
Minnesota, USA


4 posted 04-30-2011 08:49 AM       View Profile for LaGraceLa   Email LaGraceLa   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for LaGraceLa

Okay, so all I am doing is giving you ideas because I have realized that I give suggestions but do not explain it at all. I'm not trying to make it better or change it, I'm just giving you examples from your own words. One thing you can try to improve is punctuation. It adds character and depth to a poem. So you have...

If I penetrate
My heart will it hurt--
Will it bleed?

By adding lines like that you are adding a pause and making it seem like you are contemplating it at that very moment. And so for breaks you can make it more smooth (if that is what you are going for) by more natural breaks. Like...

But to me what difference would it make?
Because my heart--
it has already been penetrated.
It has already been hurt countless times.

I'm not say that this is how your poem should be, I am just showing you what I mean, or trying to atleast.

I wonder if my heart can be
Fixed again?
I wonder if my heart can be
Alive again?
I wonder if my heart can be
Exultant (again)?

By doing this you are lining up your words and making it have some pattern that is easy to see and understand. It shows the repetition more clearly which proves it is important. So yeah, just play around with that if you want to. And I don't want you to change this poem to how I did it because it was all examples and I love it your way, I was just trying to show you how you can change your words, for better or worse I don't know
maddorani
Member
since 11-18-2007
Posts 419
houston,tx


5 posted 04-30-2011 04:43 PM       View Profile for maddorani   Email maddorani   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for maddorani

thank you also my teacher told me that the last stanze contradicts the poem where i repeat the first lines at the end i might going to have to change it but thanks i love your work too
 
 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Main Forums >> Teen Poetry #9 >> If I penetrate my heart Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors