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Teen Poetry #9
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maddorani
Member
since 2007-11-18
Posts 423
houston,tx

0 posted 2011-04-15 12:15 PM


I would like some feed back for this poem


I’m crying
I’m dying
I’m screaming
Inside

Can someone
Hear me
Can someone
See me
Is there anyone

I’m crying
I’m dying
I’m screaming
Out loud

But still no
One hears
Me no one
Sees me
Everyone ignores
Me

I’m crying
I’m dying
I’m screaming
Loudly
Enough to be
Heard

Yet no one
Hears me
No one sees
Me no
One can see
How my
Heart is in
Distress

I’m crying
I’m dying
I’m screaming
Top of my
Lungs out


Even right now
No one
Hears me no
One sees me
Slowly, Slowly my
Heart is Rupturing
Me, slowly
My soul is
Cleaving me

I’m crying
I’m dying
I’m screaming
So that the
Whole world
Can hear me

No one comes
No one sees
Me slowly
Slowly I’m
Withering
Away wishing
Someone can
Save me
Yearning
For someone
To hear
Me hankering
For someone
To see how
I’m feeling
Inside

I’m crying
I’m dying
I’m screaming
Inside



© Copyright 2011 madiha - All Rights Reserved
LaGraceLa
Member
since 2011-01-30
Posts 243
Minnesota, USA
1 posted 2011-04-30 08:30 AM


I am quite fond of your poetry. There is something about it that is so truthful and I love it. The only and only suggestion I have for you is to try different line breaks, it feels so choppy and broken, and granted maybe you are going for that but I think that you should atleast try different breaks. Just a suggestion, it is still great and I love it.
maddorani
Member
since 2007-11-18
Posts 423
houston,tx
2 posted 2011-04-30 11:36 AM


what do you mean by the line breaks and thank you very much
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