How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Main Forums
 Teen Poetry #9
 Holes
 1 2 3 4 5
Follow us on Facebook

 Moderated by: Acies, Dopey Dope, SEA   (Admins )

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

Holes

 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
Octave
Member
since 07-29-2008
Posts 188
Highlands, Scotland.


0 posted 02-12-2011 02:27 PM       View Profile for Octave   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Octave

So many things wrong with this poem [mainly rhythm/metre :S] it should be a crime but och well, here it is.


Holes

You’re as cold as the words that come from the hole
That blackens your face and spits on your soul
Think that you’re better than everyone else
Think you don’t deserve the crap served by yourself

Bottled and spun and nowhere to land
Beaten again by your own sleight of hand
Push them away and blame them for distance
They try to close it and you give resistance

Listen to minors and tap out the metre
Warm up your hands on a broken down heater
That sits in the corner of a broken down mind
Mistakes imprinted and you just plead blind

Blind to what? You ignorance, your selfishness?
The insecurity at the core of this mess?
How about the self pity and self loathing and manipulating mind
And all you can do is excuse what you find

Funny how it makes you sick to the pit
Of that lonely little stomach with its self satisfied wit
And yet you’re just so unwilling to change
Despite claiming to be trapped in this cage

Alienate every person who tries to get close
Except the one person you hate the most
Take a look in the mirror and I hope you don’t laugh
Because that thing staring back at you
Is all your own doing, every last part.
© Copyright 2011 Octave - All Rights Reserved
XGarapanX
Senior Member
since 06-19-2008
Posts 1416
Rekjavik Iceland


1 posted 03-22-2011 09:03 PM       View Profile for XGarapanX   Email XGarapanX   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit XGarapanX's Home Page   View IP for XGarapanX

Seriously excellent despite any meter flaws. I have no idea what that is anyway. Your writing needs little apology, so long as you are continuing to be aware of how to improve, which you are! The last line is sublime and ties it all in so very well. And are you really from Scotland? Wonderful to see you here. I promise I'll nae be calling your kilt a skirt.

·´~`·­»Garapan«­·´~`·  "Look! Crumbs on his jacketses... Heeee took it!"

Octave
Member
since 07-29-2008
Posts 188
Highlands, Scotland.


2 posted 03-24-2011 02:53 PM       View Profile for Octave   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Octave

Thank you so much, it really means a lot to hear such lovely feedback. I'm usually rather picky about metre but I got a little carried away with this one and couldn't quite fix it without detracting from what I was trying to say.
Yes, indeed I am. Born and bred.
Falling rain
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 01-31-2008
Posts 2165
Small town, Illinois


3 posted 08-03-2011 10:25 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

Octave, I've been gone a long while from this site, yet every time I return and read your work, you never EVER disappoint. Honestly, do you have your work on other sites? If you don't, you really should be publishing your work. It is very fantastic. Also, the fact that you work to meter so well just astonishes me so much. You work is really a marvel. Please continue writing.
rachel_anubis
Junior Member
since 03-24-2011
Posts 43


4 posted 08-23-2011 04:59 AM       View Profile for rachel_anubis   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for rachel_anubis

I really enjoyed this poem and loved the message it puts across.
Octave
Member
since 07-29-2008
Posts 188
Highlands, Scotland.


5 posted 08-28-2011 07:04 AM       View Profile for Octave   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Octave

Thank you, both of you!

FallingRain, thank you so, so much for the praise, it is extremely lovely to hear. No, this is the only site I post my work on, in fact, you lot are the only people that actually read my poetry - I'm a bit self concious about people reading it. I've always thought it wasn't particularly spectacular, though I may look into posting it elsewhere, I love hearing feedback.
 
 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Main Forums >> Teen Poetry #9 >> Holes Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors