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Octave
Member

since 2008-07-29

Posts 186
Highlands, Scotland.

0 posted 2011-02-12 02:27 PM

So many things wrong with this poem [mainly rhythm/metre :S] it should be a crime but och well, here it is.

Holes

You’re as cold as the words that come from the hole
That blackens your face and spits on your soul
Think that you’re better than everyone else
Think you don’t deserve the crap served by yourself

Bottled and spun and nowhere to land
Beaten again by your own sleight of hand
Push them away and blame them for distance
They try to close it and you give resistance

Listen to minors and tap out the metre
Warm up your hands on a broken down heater
That sits in the corner of a broken down mind
Mistakes imprinted and you just plead blind

Blind to what? You ignorance, your selfishness?
The insecurity at the core of this mess?
How about the self pity and self loathing and manipulating mind
And all you can do is excuse what you find

Funny how it makes you sick to the pit
Of that lonely little stomach with its self satisfied wit
And yet you’re just so unwilling to change
Despite claiming to be trapped in this cage

Alienate every person who tries to get close
Except the one person you hate the most
Take a look in the mirror and I hope you don’t laugh
Because that thing staring back at you
Is all your own doing, every last part.

XGarapanX
Senior Member

since 2008-06-19

Posts 1435
Antarctica

1 posted 2011-03-22 09:03 PM

Seriously excellent despite any meter flaws. I have no idea what that is anyway. Your writing needs little apology, so long as you are continuing to be aware of how to improve, which you are! The last line is sublime and ties it all in so very well. And are you really from Scotland? Wonderful to see you here. I promise I'll nae be calling your kilt a skirt.

·´~`·»Garapan«·´~`· "Look! Crumbs on his jacketses... Heeee took it!"

Octave
Member

since 2008-07-29

Posts 186
Highlands, Scotland.

2 posted 2011-03-24 02:53 PM

Thank you so much, it really means a lot to hear such lovely feedback. I'm usually rather picky about metre but I got a little carried away with this one and couldn't quite fix it without detracting from what I was trying to say.
Yes, indeed I am. Born and bred.

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

3 posted 2011-08-03 10:25 PM

Octave, I've been gone a long while from this site, yet every time I return and read your work, you never EVER disappoint. Honestly, do you have your work on other sites? If you don't, you really should be publishing your work. It is very fantastic. Also, the fact that you work to meter so well just astonishes me so much. You work is really a marvel. Please continue writing.

rachel_anubis
Junior Member

since 2011-03-24

Posts 43

4 posted 2011-08-23 04:59 AM

I really enjoyed this poem and loved the message it puts across.

Octave
Member

since 2008-07-29

Posts 186
Highlands, Scotland.

5 posted 2011-08-28 07:04 AM

Thank you, both of you!

FallingRain, thank you so, so much for the praise, it is extremely lovely to hear.

No, this is the only site I post my work on, in fact, you lot are the only people that actually read my poetry - I'm a bit self concious about people reading it. I've always thought it wasn't particularly spectacular, though I may look into posting it elsewhere, I love hearing feedback.

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