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Passions in Poetry

Downfall

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Octave
Member
since 07-29-2008
Posts 188
Highlands, Scotland.


0 posted 01-21-2011 05:22 PM       View Profile for Octave   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Octave

Haven't posted here in aaaages. Haven't written any poetry in a long time. Very rusty, as you will see, but it feels good to write again. Critique very much welcome.


Downfall

Each clink and chime that hits the slate
Unfurls once in noiseless weight
Dribbles softly, leaves snailís wake
A silver track that seals my fate

One glass bead on scratched out black
Runs to merge with anotherís track
Reflects to show one crystal crack
And moves to fill what others lack

I place a hand out, palm to sky
The cool between my fingers pry
Moisture heats but yet to dry
Mirrors melting but yet to die

Mercury twists and splits to break
Droplets churn but donít quite ache
Dribble softly, leave snailís wake
A silver track that seals my fate.


© Copyright 2011 Octave - All Rights Reserved
XGarapanX
Senior Member
since 06-19-2008
Posts 1416
Rekjavik Iceland


1 posted 01-21-2011 08:16 PM       View Profile for XGarapanX   Email XGarapanX   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit XGarapanX's Home Page   View IP for XGarapanX

Rusty or no this is good writing.

∑ī~`∑≠ĽGarapanę≠∑ī~`∑  "Look! Crumbs on his jacketses... Heeee took it!"

freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


2 posted 01-23-2011 06:39 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Awesome poem, as always!!! I also haven't posted here in ages! I'm glad I got to read another one of your poems!

"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car"  
- Unknown

Octave
Member
since 07-29-2008
Posts 188
Highlands, Scotland.


3 posted 01-26-2011 01:32 PM       View Profile for Octave   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Octave

Awh, thank you, both of you.
Haf_Alive
Member
since 09-04-2011
Posts 57
High in the Sky


4 posted 09-05-2011 02:16 PM       View Profile for Haf_Alive   Email Haf_Alive   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Haf_Alive

amazing rhymes.  very vivid poem, i could picture it the whole way down.  really impressed with this one
Octave
Member
since 07-29-2008
Posts 188
Highlands, Scotland.


5 posted 09-07-2011 10:41 AM       View Profile for Octave   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Octave

Thank you very much, I appreciate the feedback.
priyanka
Member
since 06-15-2009
Posts 212
india


6 posted 10-03-2011 08:56 PM       View Profile for priyanka   Email priyanka   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for priyanka

If this was rusty, wonder how the next one will be! simply too good!
Cat Like Thief
New Member
since 10-18-2011
Posts 2
IL, USA


7 posted 10-18-2011 01:17 AM       View Profile for Cat Like Thief   Email Cat Like Thief   Edit/Delete Message     View IP for Cat Like Thief

good write
Marilyn
Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


8 posted 12-20-2011 01:21 PM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marilyn

Your very good but I had a couple of problems I would like you to look at.

Each clink and chime that hits the slate

Unfurls once in noiseless weight (I don't know what you are trying to say here and the line is chunky: not smooth like the others)

Dribbles softly, leaves snailís wake
A silver track that seals my fate ( I really like these 2 lines and that you use them again at the end)

One glass bead on scratched out black (This line is also not as smooth as the others in the stanza or it might be the next line that makes it not work for me in your rhythm because I like the flow of this line on it's own but with the stanza I trip over something)

Runs to merge with anotherís track
Reflects to show one crystal crack
And moves to fill what others lack (love these lines)

I place a hand out, palm to sky
The cool between my fingers pry
Moisture heats but yet to dry (love these lines)

Mirrors melting but yet to die (not sure what this means)

Mercury twists and splits to break
Droplets churn but donít quite ache
Dribble softly, leave snailís wake
A silver track that seals my fate. (love this whole stanza)

Just a few thoughts I had while reading. You really are very good.

Octave
Member
since 07-29-2008
Posts 188
Highlands, Scotland.


9 posted 12-29-2011 07:27 PM       View Profile for Octave   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Octave

Thank you for such a detailed, line-by-line look at my poem, I really do appreciate you taking the time to dissect it.

I certainly agree that there are some rhythmical flaws within it; I'll definitely keep metre/natural rhythm in mind the next time I write. Itís nice to have someone else pick them out as sometimes you donít hear them yourself, just through the way in which you judge it on first reading/writing. And yes, there are a few lines that don't really do much for the poem as far as meaning goes, haha. Could do with some revision.

I started university in September and have been studying English Literature and English Language which have taught me a lot about metre and stylistics etc. so I look forward to putting these to use as I've never been taught the technical workings of such things.  

Thanks once again for the critique and the compliments! (:
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