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Passions in Poetry

Paradox (A poem for the anniversery of my friend's death)

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Jaki H
Member
since 01-19-2008
Posts 233
NJ, USA


0 posted 01-05-2011 11:29 PM       View Profile for Jaki H   Email Jaki H   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Jaki H

My friend died exactly one year ago, on january fifth, 2010. She was only 18, and was hit by a car. This is a poem for her.
Honest opinions please. I wrote it quickly, but I would like to know of any weak spots or what you thought in general.
Thanks!
xoxo,
Jaki H
---------------------------------------

Paradox.
----------

No matter what- rich, poor, genius, not,
people long for what they can�t have.
This paradox seems all too funny.
Only a year since your death, and we still
Cry because you�ve left us, because you�ll never return
Because you�re dead, and here we are, still breathing and living and dreaming
of a better tomorrow.
Our lamentations are a symphony of sorrow and remembrance, each year growing more ritualistic.
I bet you�re in heaven, laughing at our foolishness
I bet you�re crying with shaking laughter at the bitter irony of it all
because you see what we see, but in reverse
we, who want so bad for you to come back, and you, peering at us foolish.
if you could reach down, touch us with hands sending shivers up our backs,
you would lean close and whisper it is us who are mistaken,
and heaven is wonderful.
We should join you up there
with angels and soft dew drops,
there, where each cloud has a shining silver lining
Why suffer, why feel empty, why long for death yet fear it so?
why live on pills, with empty promises that a swallow will solve the misery?
You know it won�t, and if it does, it�s just until the next swallow.
Why live living on swallows,
when heaven is just a car crash away?
Only a year since your death, and here I am, deathly alive
Only a year since your death, and there you are, my little rotting angel
It�s funny, this paradox,
that you should be wanted on earth,
and us longed for in heaven.
That both want
What we can�t have.
© Copyright 2011 Jacqueline M. H. - All Rights Reserved
XGarapanX
Senior Member
since 06-19-2008
Posts 1416
Rekjavik Iceland


1 posted 01-06-2011 04:57 AM       View Profile for XGarapanX   Email XGarapanX   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit XGarapanX's Home Page   View IP for XGarapanX

Wowzers. This really touched my soul. No doubt in my mind that you have got this right as far as your perception of the parties in paradox.

Mechanically, I would recommend at least one small change-

No matter what- rich, poor, genius, not,
people long for what they cant have.
This paradox seems all too "funny".

I would find a better word to replace funny if it were mine. And I'm told that contractions are distractions in poetry as well. But overall I can't help but love this tribute and appreciate it's implications. Definitely one for my library. Thank you for giving us this piece of yourself.

~`Garapan~`  "Look! Crumbs on his jacketses... Heeee took it!"

khadidja
Junior Member
since 12-03-2010
Posts 16


2 posted 01-06-2011 03:45 PM       View Profile for khadidja   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for khadidja

Im so sorry for ur lost

so deep
but I think u should work on a little on it

keep going

Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 06-05-99
Posts 26302
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


3 posted 01-06-2011 08:31 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Poems are only allowed to be posted in one forum at a time. This is also posted in Open.
 
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