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Teen Poetry #9
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Just Like Glass
| Teen Poetry #9 |
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Just Like Glass |
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UNTAMEDelegance Member
since 2009-05-30
Posts 222Oregon |
I am just like glass. When I am sad and rainy, my shell is tranparent. Everyone who's looking can see though... When I am happy and the sun shines, the glare off my skin, prevents anyone from seeing in. When the breezes sing, I let you see. When the light beams out, you may lethargically lay; bask in the warmth that I let through. When the storms rage and the thunder snarls. When the lightning flares and the rains berate, I keep it all in, or out as may be. No one will face this wrath, but me. I am just like glass. I am strong; a protector of sorts. I am hard; I am smooth; I am cool to the touch until your heat warms me up. At times, I can be fragile; at times, I can't be broken even by a rifle. At times, I'm very quiet; at times, I am outspoken never to be stifled. I am sturdy like glass; I am firm like glass; I am stubbornly unyeilding to the storms that I repress and even though you try your best, like glass, I. Will. Not. Bend. But... There is a certain point; a weak pressured, mind-exploding sense-imploding point... When the glass will shatter and the storm will break and the Hell will rise and the house will quake And I, the glass, will break. I am just like glass. Misa: I can't imagine a world without Light! |
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| © Copyright 2010 Melissa Reneé Axtell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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s1nfully_1nn0c3nt Senior Member
since 2003-10-26
Posts 1105Watertown, NY |
Glass is a beautiful thing. It shines even after its been shattered. Enjoyed. -Trina. |
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Prats Member
since 2010-12-16
Posts 74 |
Great poetry... nice comparison with glass..  Prats!!! :D |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear UNTAMEDelegance, I like a lot about this poem. I'll try to give you some feedback that I hope you'll find useful. If there's something that bothers you about any of it, you should absolutely feel free to ignore it. If you feel I'm unclear about anything, drop me a note and I'll try to clarify. I don't want to be unclear. Let me try this a little bit at a time. I am just like glass. This is a decent first line, but I wonder why you wouldn't take that little extra step and actually say outright, I am glass. When writing poetry, you can almost always take out the word "just" without any harm to the poem or to the line at all, unless you are talking about the quality. Sally is a Just woman, Phil is a Just man. That's pretty hard to take out. In fact, in almost any context, it's a word that can be cut from a piece of writing and will make the writing better for it. Experiment with it and see for yourself; don't take my word for it. When I am sad and rainy, my shell is transparent. The notion of people having "a shell" is an interesting one, but you can't actually see it. We're so used to talking about "my shell" or "your shell" that we've gotten used to the notion that there's really a shell there, so that we can start talking about the visual forms that the shell can take. The shell is really a cliche that people think they can see, they've gotten so used to talking about it. To talk about this sort of thing in a way that's clear enough for a poem, though, you might think about what you actually do see, and under what circumstances you actually see it, and then write about that. "When I am sad and rainy" seems marvelously descriptive. "[M]y shell is transparent," however, doesn't quite offer the kind of image that you could offer. For example, When I am sad and rainy {my face vanishes from the mirror; I think I turn transparent.} The two lines in the brackets are possibilities. You may well be able to top both of them, since it's your poem. My idea is to show what happens when you're able to get more concrete and visual instead of falling back on the metaphor that other folks are used to using. To suggest that you can probably invent something better and more interesting and more real when you pay attention to the words themselves and what they're saying. If you are able to say that, then you may not need to say, Everyone who's looking can see though...[,] simply because you will have already said it. Let's go on. When I am happy and the sun shines, You're linking the two things together here. This makes me wonder if your mood is related to the weather. The suggestion is that you can't be happy when it's cloudy or you can't be sad when it's sunny. I've been unhappy when it's sunny, personally, and occasionally happy when it was cloudy. You may not find this confusing, but if you want your readers to follow you, then you should know that at least one of them is confused here. If one is, then it's likely others are as well, though surely there are people who understand exactly what you mean, I'd bet on it. I think that with a little concentration and a little rewrite, you could probably make the number of people who are clear much higher. I confess I'm wrongheaded enough to enjoy something as odd as, When the sun shines, the glare off my skin prevents anyone from seeing in. This is because I remember that you started out by telling us you were glass, and this makes perfect sense in this context, doesn't it? You might even be able to toss in as an extra line, right afterward, or at some other place, This makes me happy. In this context, the happiness has some sort of dream logic to it, and seems to make sense. You have, for me, some problem, with the breezes singing. To make that work, you'd have to be more specific, so that you distinguish your use of singing breezes here from the more cliched use of the phrase we generally hear. You need to make that phrase new here for it to work as good diction. When the breezes sing, I let you see. I enjoy the playfulness of the rhyme between "may" and "lay" below, but I don't believe that there's enough of a reason to include the line "lethargically lay" in the poem, at least at that point, and possibly not at all. If you cut that line, you get directly to a description of the action, and return to the central trope of the poem, the thought of yourself as glass, and being in control of what others can see of you. When the light beams out, you may bask in the warmth that I let through. When the storms rage and the thunder snarls. I don't hear thunder as snarling. Dogs snarl. Tigers and lions snarl. I don't confuse those sounds with thunder. I have heard fork lift trucks drop four and five hundred pound piles of sheet rock on concrete. That has some things in comment with the sound of thunder. You might think about the metaphors and the images that you use more closely here, and on third and fourth drafts take a little extra time to go for the more exact comparisons. For early drafts, these are okay, but if you're going to take this poem further, and it does deserve to go further, then you need to think about this sort of thing. I actually enjoy the notion of rains "berating" by the way. "I keep it all in" seems like a natural extension of the stuff that you've been doing before. "[O]r out as may be" is simply a wish to finish the phrase that you started in the line above, however, and doesn't contribute to the poem. This draft is a good time to cut it. No one will face this wrath, but me. Once again, I'd go with the revision I suggested for the first line for the line below. I am {just like} glass. I am strong; When you say "of sorts" below, you steal strength away from saying "a protector." Simply let yourself be that protector without trying to undermine it with a modifier of any sort here. a protector of sorts. I am hard; I am smooth; I am cool to the touch until your heat warms me up. And I think that the poem reaches a natural end with that line, "warms me up." The rest of the poem is simply writing away from the strength that you've established up to this point. You've got a pretty good draft here. Why not work with it and see what you can do? It's something to be proud of, I think. Sincerely, Bob Kaven |
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XGarapanX Senior Member
since 2008-06-19
Posts 1435Antarctica |
This was sage and insightful, poetic and expressive. I REALLY liked this. ·´~`·»Garapan«·´~`· |
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