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 Just Like Glass
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Passions in Poetry

Just Like Glass

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UNTAMEDelegance
Member
since 05-30-2009
Posts 224
Oregon


0 posted 10-26-2010 02:19 PM       View Profile for UNTAMEDelegance   Email UNTAMEDelegance   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for UNTAMEDelegance

I am just like glass.

When I am sad and rainy,
my shell is tranparent.
Everyone who's looking
can see though...

When I am happy and the sun shines,
the glare off my skin,
prevents anyone
from seeing in.

When the breezes sing,
I let you see.
When the light beams out,
you may
lethargically lay;
bask in the warmth
that I let through.

When the storms rage
and the thunder snarls.
When the lightning flares
and the rains berate,
I keep it all in,
or out as may be.
No one will face
this wrath,
but me.

I am just like glass.

I am strong;
a protector of sorts.
I am hard; I am smooth;
I am cool to the touch
until your heat
warms me up.

At times, I can be fragile;
at times, I can't be broken
even by a rifle.
At times, I'm very quiet;
at times, I am outspoken
never to be stifled.

I am sturdy like glass;
I am firm like glass;
I am stubbornly unyeilding
to the storms that I repress
and even though you try your best,
like glass,
I. Will. Not. Bend.

But...

There is a certain point; a weak
pressured, mind-exploding
sense-imploding point...

When the glass will shatter
and the storm will break
and the Hell will rise
and the house will quake

    And I,
          the glass,
will break.

I am just like glass.

Misa: I can't imagine a world without Light!
L: Yes, that would be dark.

© Copyright 2010 Melissa Reneé Axtell - All Rights Reserved
s1nfully_1nn0c3nt
Senior Member
since 10-26-2003
Posts 1029
Agat, Guam


1 posted 11-02-2010 04:23 PM       View Profile for s1nfully_1nn0c3nt   Email s1nfully_1nn0c3nt   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit s1nfully_1nn0c3nt's Home Page   View IP for s1nfully_1nn0c3nt

Glass is a beautiful thing. It shines even after its been shattered. Enjoyed.

-Trina.

"To decieve ones self, is truly a grueling battle. One which we're destined to lose."

Prats
Member
since 12-16-2010
Posts 74


2 posted 12-17-2010 07:25 AM       View Profile for Prats   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Prats

Great poetry... nice comparison with glass..

Prats!!! :D
Heaven is not that place where you go when you die... it's that time in your life when you actually feel ALIVE!!!

Bob K
Member Elite
since 11-03-2007
Posts 3860


3 posted 12-17-2010 11:27 PM       View Profile for Bob K   Email Bob K   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Bob K


Dear UNTAMEDelegance,

          I like a lot about this poem.  I'll try to give you some feedback that I hope you'll find useful.  If there's something that bothers you about any of it, you should absolutely feel free to ignore it.  If you feel I'm unclear about anything, drop me a note and I'll try to clarify.  I don't want to be unclear.  Let me try this a little bit at a time.

I am just like glass.

     This is a decent first line, but I wonder why you wouldn't take that little extra step and actually say outright,

I am glass.

     When writing poetry, you can almost always take out the word "just" without any harm to the poem or to the line at all, unless you are talking about the quality.  Sally is a Just woman,  Phil is a Just man.  That's pretty hard to take out.  In fact, in almost any context, it's a word that can be cut from a piece of writing and will make the writing better for it.  Experiment with it and see for yourself; don't take my word for it.

When I am sad and rainy,
my shell is transparent.

     The notion of people having "a shell" is an interesting one, but you can't actually see it.  We're so used to talking about "my shell" or "your shell" that we've gotten used to the notion that there's really a shell there, so that we can start talking about the visual forms that the shell can take.
The shell is really a cliche that people think they can see, they've gotten so used to talking about it.

     To talk about this sort of thing in a way that's clear enough for a poem, though, you might think about what you actually do see, and under what circumstances you actually see it, and then write about that.  "When I am sad and rainy" seems marvelously descriptive.  "[M]y shell is transparent," however, doesn't quite offer the kind of image that you could offer.  For example,

When I am sad and rainy
{my face vanishes from the mirror;
I think I turn transparent.}

     The two lines in the brackets are possibilities.  You may well be able to top both of them, since it's your poem.  My idea is to show what happens when you're able to get more concrete and visual instead of falling back on the metaphor that other folks are used to using.  To suggest that you can probably invent something better and more interesting and more real when you pay attention to the words themselves and what they're saying.  If you are able to say that, then you may not need to say,

Everyone who's looking
can see though...[,]

simply because you will have already said it.

     Let's go on.

When I am happy and the sun shines,

     You're linking the two things together here.  This makes me wonder if your mood is related to the weather.  The suggestion is that you can't be happy when it's cloudy or you can't be sad when it's sunny.  I've been unhappy when it's sunny, personally, and occasionally happy when it was cloudy.  You may not find this confusing, but if you want your readers to follow you, then you should know that at least one of them is confused here.  If one is, then it's likely others are as well, though surely there are people who understand exactly what you mean, I'd bet on it.  I think that with a little concentration and a little rewrite, you could probably make the number of people who are clear much higher.

     I confess I'm wrongheaded enough to enjoy something as odd as,

When the sun shines,
the glare off my skin
prevents anyone
from seeing in.

     This is because I remember that you started out by telling us you were glass, and this makes perfect sense in this context, doesn't it?  You might even be able to toss in as an extra line, right afterward, or at some other place,

This makes me happy.

     In this context, the happiness has some sort of dream logic to it, and seems to make sense.

     You have, for me, some problem, with the breezes singing.  To make that work, you'd have to be more specific, so that you distinguish your use of singing breezes here from the more cliched use of the phrase we generally hear.  You need to make that phrase new here for it to work as good diction.

When the breezes sing,
I let you see.

     I enjoy the playfulness of the rhyme between "may" and "lay" below, but I don't believe that there's enough of a reason to include the line "lethargically lay" in the poem, at least at that point, and possibly not at all.  If you cut that line, you get directly to a description of the action, and return to the central trope of the poem, the thought of yourself as glass, and being in control of what others can see of you.


When the light beams out,
you may
bask in the warmth
that I let through.

When the storms rage
and the thunder snarls.

     I don't hear thunder as snarling.  Dogs snarl.  Tigers and lions snarl.  I don't confuse those sounds with thunder.  I have heard fork lift trucks drop four and five hundred pound piles of sheet rock on concrete.  That has some things in comment with the sound of thunder.  You might think about the metaphors and the images that you use more closely here, and on third and fourth drafts take a little extra time to go for the more exact comparisons.  For early drafts, these are okay, but if you're going to take this poem further, and it does deserve to go further, then you need to think about this sort of thing.  I actually enjoy the notion of rains "berating" by the way.

     "I keep it all in" seems like a natural extension of the stuff that you've been doing before.  "[O]r out as may be" is simply a wish to finish the phrase that you started in the line above, however, and doesn't contribute to the poem.  This draft is a good time to cut it.


No one will face
this wrath,
but me.

     Once again, I'd go with the revision I suggested for the first line for the line below.

I am {just like} glass.

I am strong;

     When you say "of sorts" below, you steal strength away from saying "a protector."  Simply let yourself be that protector without trying to undermine it with a modifier of any sort here.

a protector of sorts.

I am hard; I am smooth;
I am cool to the touch
until your heat
warms me up.

     And I think that the poem reaches a natural end with that line, "warms me up."  The rest of the poem is simply writing away from the strength that you've established up to this point.  You've got a pretty good draft here.  Why not work with it and see what you can do?  It's something to be proud of, I think.

     Sincerely, Bob Kaven

XGarapanX
Senior Member
since 06-19-2008
Posts 1416
Rekjavik Iceland


4 posted 01-01-2011 09:12 AM       View Profile for XGarapanX   Email XGarapanX   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit XGarapanX's Home Page   View IP for XGarapanX

This was sage and insightful, poetic and expressive. I REALLY liked this.

·´~`·­»Garapan«­·´~`·

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