Actually, the beauty of this piece is that it conveys the scene and the sense in very direct terms. This is not a subject which a person can, or perhaps even should, dress up poetically. The natural style with which you wrote this is plenty poetic without detracting at all from the subject and it's profound implications. Nor, do I feel, could a more dramatic conveyance have created such a poignant sensation as the one it does now, just as it is. So, I beg to differ, this is among your best because it does precisely what it needs to, no more, no less, and that balance is as much an art as flowery poetry.