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Octave
Member

since 2008-07-29

Posts 186
Highlands, Scotland.

0 posted 2010-03-13 04:54 PM

Just a bit of a play around to be honest. Nothing spectacular. Haven't written in a while. :S

Sky

You’ll let go of my hand
And upwards you will fly
Pick up your feet, unfold your wings
You’ll slice and eat the sky

The fractured colour of our farewell
Will splinter down your face
In the colours of the sun and moon
Who fight to take prize place

Curl the clouds beneath your fingers
You’ll skim the stars and broken black
And you’ll dash through the fading blue
With a smile you will turn your back

Your hoary wings will spin through time
While I stand and watch with tears
That dance across my cheeks and chin
As the skies begin to clear

You’ll let go of my hand
And upwards you will fly
Pick up your feet, unfold your wings
As you’re swallowed by the sky.

JenniferMaxwell

Member Elite

since 2006-09-14

Posts 2423

1 posted 2010-03-13 07:01 PM

I think your poem is pretty spectacular, Octave! It's so well crafted and the images really stay with the reader:

"The fractured colour of our farewell
Will splinter down your face
In the colours of the sun and moon
Who fight to take prize place"

Very nice work!

LittleWillow
Member

since 2007-12-27

Posts 54

2 posted 2010-03-13 07:52 PM

Absolutly Loved it!
Could picture everything!
Amazing words and very well described!
Thank you for sharing!

fromme2U
Member

since 2007-11-09

Posts 257

3 posted 2010-03-15 01:53 PM

I really enjoyed reading this poem.

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

4 posted 2010-03-15 04:44 PM

Magnificent as always Oct'.

-Zach

Leanne <3
Member

since 2007-08-25

Posts 216
N.S.W, Australia

5 posted 2010-03-17 01:31 AM

Beautiful write!!
-Lee

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

6 posted 2010-03-19 01:50 AM

Absolutely Amazing!!!

“All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling.”--Oscar Wilde

Octave
Member

since 2008-07-29

Posts 186
Highlands, Scotland.

7 posted 2010-03-21 11:58 AM

Thank you very much everyone!

Taylor See
Member

since 2008-10-07

Posts 55
North Carolina, US

8 posted 2010-03-25 10:39 AM

The abstract imagery in this poem is fantastic. I enjoyed it so much =)

My only suggestion would be to write the poem with
the contractions you'll and you're
as you will and you are and see if you like it that way. Even if you have a specific syllable count or structure you are using the contractions at times take away from the impact of the words.

Wonderful work,

~Taylor

And as each player moves their piece, confident and tall
They forget that they can move themselves, in the greatest game of all

Octave
Member

since 2008-07-29

Posts 186
Highlands, Scotland.

9 posted 2010-04-17 10:22 AM

Thanks Taylor. It's usually dependent on the the rythm, to be honest. Sometimes they fit, other times not. But i can see where you're coming from. I'll keep that in mind for the future. (:

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