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 Once Upon a Dream.
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Passions in Poetry

Once Upon a Dream.

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Falling rain
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Member Elite
since 01-31-2008
Posts 2165
Small town, Illinois


0 posted 02-07-2010 07:12 AM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain


Okay so lately I've sucked really bad in my writing. Sorry. Hope you like.
-------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time I had dreams
I was captive to my imagination
Free to walk among the wispy thoughts
And fly with my high hopes

Once upon a time I was young
Naive to say the least
At a time of innocent
I took a dive into life

I hoped for love
And wished on every star
My prince would come one day
And forever together we'd last

Once upon a night
I dreamed and dream
Blissful in what I saw
But then I woke.  
© Copyright 2010 Zach Booker-Scott - All Rights Reserved
Bob K
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since 11-03-2007
Posts 3860


1 posted 02-08-2010 03:35 AM       View Profile for Bob K   Email Bob K   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Bob K



Dear Falling Rain,

                       You've got the cure for the poem issue in the poem itself.  You talk about dreams, a wonderful metaphor, but don't take it far enough.  Try to imagine the poem itself as a dream.  You'd have to change the poem to do that, translate the poem into a series of connected pictures, like a short film.  When you didn't have a picture on the dream screen, your readers in your dream theater are looking at a blank screen and get bored.  If you want to make the poem work, make sure there's as much picture up there as there's picture up there in a movie.  

     Since you don't have light to make your pictures, you have to use words, so all your words need to be about the pictures.  You make it more fun for yourself by playing with the way those words sound while they keep those pictures on your screen.  Try it that way and see if things  work better; after all, it's your dream, isn't it?

Yours, Bob Kaven
Leanne <3
Member
since 08-25-2007
Posts 217
N.S.W, Australia


2 posted 02-09-2010 12:13 AM       View Profile for Leanne <3   Email Leanne <3   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Leanne <3

keep dreaming zach you'll get your wish
great write
-Lee
 
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