»
Main Forums
»
Teen Poetry #9
»
Once Upon a Dream.
| Teen Poetry #9 |
|
Once Upon a Dream. |
|
Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois 
|
Okay so lately I've sucked really bad in my writing. Sorry. Hope you like. ------------------------------------------------- Once upon a time I had dreams I was captive to my imagination Free to walk among the wispy thoughts And fly with my high hopes Once upon a time I was young Naive to say the least At a time of innocent I took a dive into life I hoped for love And wished on every star My prince would come one day And forever together we'd last Once upon a night I dreamed and dream Blissful in what I saw But then I woke. |
||
| © Copyright 2010 Zach Booker-Scott - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Falling Rain, You've got the cure for the poem issue in the poem itself. You talk about dreams, a wonderful metaphor, but don't take it far enough. Try to imagine the poem itself as a dream. You'd have to change the poem to do that, translate the poem into a series of connected pictures, like a short film. When you didn't have a picture on the dream screen, your readers in your dream theater are looking at a blank screen and get bored. If you want to make the poem work, make sure there's as much picture up there as there's picture up there in a movie. Since you don't have light to make your pictures, you have to use words, so all your words need to be about the pictures. You make it more fun for yourself by playing with the way those words sound while they keep those pictures on your screen. Try it that way and see if things work better; after all, it's your dream, isn't it? Yours, Bob Kaven |
||
|
Leanne <3 Member
since 2007-08-25
Posts 216N.S.W, Australia |
keep dreaming zach you'll get your wish  great write -Lee |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
