Dear Falling Rain,
You've got the cure for the poem issue in the poem itself. You talk about dreams, a wonderful metaphor, but don't take it far enough. Try to imagine the poem itself as a dream. You'd have to change the poem to do that, translate the poem into a series of connected pictures, like a short film. When you didn't have a picture on the dream screen, your readers in your dream theater are looking at a blank screen and get bored. If you want to make the poem work, make sure there's as much picture up there as there's picture up there in a movie.
Since you don't have light to make your pictures, you have to use words, so all your words need to be about the pictures. You make it more fun for yourself by playing with the way those words sound while they keep those pictures on your screen. Try it that way and see if things work better; after all, it's your dream, isn't it?
Yours, Bob Kaven