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Teen Poetry #9
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Octave
Member
since 2008-07-29
Posts 186
Highlands, Scotland.

0 posted 2009-12-10 02:09 PM


Rythm and rhyme are both pretty out in places, but i wasn't too fussed with those aspects. Was just trying something different and concentrating more on imagery than pretty flow.


A Pretty Plastic Planet

Lying in the dew stained grass
Ink stained fingers pinching blades
Pulling them straight from their birth
With the scent of sickened earth

Sky splattered out over empty head
A ruffled blanket of sleazed mistakes
Which spin drunkenly, mauling light
Probing stars and splintered night

Yellowed fingers are stalking sun
Seeking the cracks that line the world
Which lie in an advert lined cardboard box
Held with humour and paper locks

Weaving distaste between the faults
And millions of failed futile points
Encumbered with meaningless metaphors
Which sink the ship and lick the floors

Soaking up the damp warmth of defeat
Which drips down my face in wasted sweat
Lying in the gutter of a squandered existence
Merrily oblivious to this humanity caused mess.

[This message has been edited by Octave (12-11-2009 03:29 PM).]

© Copyright 2009 Octave - All Rights Reserved
Belinda
Member
since 2006-01-30
Posts 126
UK
1 posted 2009-12-10 03:40 PM


YES, i loved it. There was just so much to see and the words just .. played in my mouth. Sounds pretty weird huh, but it's true.
I really enjoyed this write, nice work.

Belinda~*

Expect nothing, Prepare for anything.

Falling rain
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Member Elite
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois
2 posted 2009-12-12 08:36 AM


Octave's done it again! Created another masterpiece with ease. (Library)

-Zach

Ravagence
Member
since 2009-08-16
Posts 79

3 posted 2009-12-12 12:07 PM


You are amazing. I find this poem like a glass of cold lemonade on a hot summers day. It's almost delicious. I could eat it everyday for the rest of my life. It's been a pleasure to read it.
Mysteria
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Member Laureate
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada
4 posted 2009-12-12 02:09 PM


I can't tell you have wonderful this poem read out loud!  Beautifully thought out, constructed, and presented.  Kudos!  Your imagery and scene setting was just dead on.

                 
Happy Holidays
♥ Mysteria ♥

Octave
Member
since 2008-07-29
Posts 186
Highlands, Scotland.
5 posted 2009-12-15 11:49 AM


Wow, thanks for all the comments everyone! It makes me very happy to hear such positive feedback, especially on a poem i wrote totally on a whim. (:
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