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Passions in Poetry

I need your help! (i need everyones help and suggestions!!!!!!!!)

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I am the arch angel
Member
since 02-02-2008
Posts 169
nowhere,illinois,USA


0 posted 12-08-2009 11:16 PM       View Profile for I am the arch angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for I am the arch angel

so i am writing this poem for my grandma for x-mas and i need it to be perfect so if you have any suggestions at all. please reply with them. all of them will be taken into mind!!!!


An angel sent from up above
gracefully flying like a dove

A wonderful wife and mother too
I am so lucky to have a grandma like you

Your always so positive with a happy glow
And a smile that is brighter than the snow

And the whole family can agree when i say
We can't compare to the love you've gave

and i shall stand tall and proud when i say i can call
this heaven-sent angel my mama

So please continue to forever bless us with your presence
It just wouldn't be the same to gather around this tree

You truly are amazing and with that i thank you
I just wanted to say mama, i love you
© Copyright 2009 Keagan lear - All Rights Reserved
Mysteria
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Member Laureate
since 03-07-2001
Posts 19652
British Columbia, Canada


1 posted 12-09-2009 12:55 AM       View Profile for Mysteria   Email Mysteria   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mysteria

I got somewhat confused as to whether this was for your Grandmother or Mother, so I took your lead from your words.  This is what I came up with, taking away some words that were not necessary, and making sure your rhyme was flow.  


So, here you go, have a look at these suggestions, and perhaps it will spark some changes?

You're an angel sent from up above
Brought to us by a graceful dove.

Wonderful wife and mother too,
I'm so lucky to have a Grandma like you.

You're always positive with a happy glow
Your smile could brighten even the snow!

The entire family agrees on what I say,
No one compares to your loving way.

I stand tall and proud as I can say,
This heaven-sent angel is my mama today.

You bless us with your presence, you see,
As we gather each year around the tree.

You're truly amazing, I love you, I do!
This is my way of saying simply, "Thank you!"

By the way, Mother or Grandmother, I would sure be very proud to receive this, very nicely done!  Your feelings come through loud and clear.



              
Happy Holidays
♥ Mysteria ♥
Leanne <3
Member
since 08-25-2007
Posts 217
N.S.W, Australia


2 posted 12-09-2009 01:52 AM       View Profile for Leanne <3   Email Leanne <3   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Leanne <3

awww this poem is so sweet!
i agree with mysteria's suggestions it just tops it off.

Your Grandmother will love it.
-Lee
m48
Member
since 12-02-2009
Posts 106


3 posted 12-09-2009 04:26 PM       View Profile for m48   Email m48   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for m48

it gets choppy near the middle.
"and the whole family will agree when i say
we cant compare the love you gave"
it sorta fits your ryme but it makes it sound like she has passed away and if she has im sorry if not you might want to fix that.
then you go on to call her "mama" now if this is what you do call her great, but it gets confusing.
finally your ending is great just maybe try to make it ryme
example"so please continue to bless us with your presence, becouse youre my angel from heaven." its rough but maybe it will help.

also i want you to know its what you feel not what we say that makes this poem great.your grandma will love it no matter what.
I am the arch angel
Member
since 02-02-2008
Posts 169
nowhere,illinois,USA


4 posted 12-09-2009 07:02 PM       View Profile for I am the arch angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for I am the arch angel

mys. your a genius, this is why i love passions
Mysteria
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Member Laureate
since 03-07-2001
Posts 19652
British Columbia, Canada


5 posted 12-10-2009 12:48 AM       View Profile for Mysteria   Email Mysteria   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mysteria

Well I am sure glad you love Passions
Zeigeist
Member
since 12-09-2009
Posts 312
Michigan


6 posted 12-10-2009 01:59 PM       View Profile for Zeigeist   Email Zeigeist   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Zeigeist

A lovely tribute poem and helpful reply. wonderful.

Z.
XxForever.BrokenxX
Senior Member
since 01-20-2008
Posts 887
Neverland


7 posted 12-12-2009 07:21 PM       View Profile for XxForever.BrokenxX   Email XxForever.BrokenxX   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for XxForever.BrokenxX

I'm sure she'll love it Keagan. It's a great write.

{~~*~~}

EmilyTheStrange
{~~*~~}
I have a pet unicorn...his name is Flavius, as in Flavius Belby. Flavius does not like gumballs..

precious pearls
Member
since 07-24-2009
Posts 110
NJ; United States


8 posted 12-12-2009 08:14 PM       View Profile for precious pearls   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for precious pearls

I liked it alot n I agree wit Mysteria...but also I think you should stick wit "mama" cuz sum fams actually do call dere grandmas as if dey were their own mother. I called my great-grandmother "Big Ma" in fact. And a title I think would b good is "Mama", "The Angel" , or "My Love for You"

Always,
   Kai (a.k.a. precious pearls)

 
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