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Teen Poetry #9
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Aftermath
| Teen Poetry #9 |
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Aftermath |
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Stitches Member
since 2009-11-27
Posts 159United Kingdom |
Oh what a pretty mess you made. Laid upon the cold floor - splayed. Make-up smudged and hair a mess, A perfect face Under duress. Messed skirt clinging to your thigh, Though still you can't remember why. Though you clutch the rag that halted screams, The rest is blurred -A twisted dream. 'I feel like an animal, and I don't think that I get it. But one day I'll see you around.' |
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| © Copyright 2009 Delete me please - All Rights Reserved | |||
Mysteria 
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
A very heart wrenching first post, and probably a scene that happens far too often. Beautifully rhymed, well done. |
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RevengeIsMine Senior Member
since 2006-07-08
Posts 820Australia |
WOW One of the best first post's i've seen in a long time.. You have a great future here ahead of you!!!!.. Welcome to PIP.. |
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XxForever.BrokenxX Senior Member
since 2008-01-20
Posts 891Neverland |
Great write, I hope to see more soon.  Oh, and welcome to PIP. {~~*~~} EmilyTheStrange |
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Stitches Member
since 2009-11-27
Posts 159United Kingdom |
Thank-you very much. <3 'I feel like an animal, and I don't think that I get it. But one day I'll see you around.' |
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m48 Member
since 2009-12-02
Posts 108 |
delightful detailed writing.great post i loved it! what a story! ps i am also fairly new im m48. |
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Stitches Member
since 2009-11-27
Posts 159United Kingdom |
Thank-you 'I feel like an animal, and I don't think that I get it. But one day I'll see you around.' |
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precious pearls Member
since 2009-07-24
Posts 110NJ; United States |
I like it! very emotional |
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Stitches Member
since 2009-11-27
Posts 159United Kingdom |
Thank-you. 'I feel like an animal, and I don't think that I get it. But one day I'll see you around.' |
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ThatOneGuy Junior Member
since 2009-10-27
Posts 33Indiana, United States |
i really liked this. You rhyme really well and it paints a picture when you read it. |
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Stitches Member
since 2009-11-27
Posts 159United Kingdom |
Thank-you, much appreciated. 'I feel like an animal, and I don't think that I get it. But one day I'll see you around.' |
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freeand2sexy Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704CA, USA |
Ooh, I like this one! Awesome poem! “All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling.”--Oscar Wilde |
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kjsd Member
since 2010-01-07
Posts 74sd usa |
really good welcome i'm also really new only have two pomes |
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madelyn Member
since 2009-09-03
Posts 172Purgatory |
Wow that is one of the best poems I have ever read. Keep up the great work. I hope all of your poems are of this excellent standard. All the best  Madelyn |
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Stitches Member
since 2009-11-27
Posts 159United Kingdom |
Wow thank-you all. 'I feel like an animal, and I don't think that I get it. But one day I'll see you around.' |
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Laverne Pacquire Member
since 2009-11-15
Posts 96 |
undertones of murder or somesort. explicit read |
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Stitches Member
since 2009-11-27
Posts 159United Kingdom |
Thanks, it's about rape. Cheery eh? 'I feel like an animal, and I don't think that I get it. But one day I'll see you around.' |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Make-up smudged and hair a mess, A perfect face Under duress. Messed skirt clinging to your thigh, Though still you can't remember why. Dear Stitches, This is a good piece of work. The last stanza is not needed. You've done a fine job in the first three stanzas saying what's happened, and the fourth stanza is writing away from the shock and impact of the first three. I knew it was about a rape or something like a rape by the time I got to tghe end of stanza three, you'd done that well. Stanza by stanza? Oh what a pretty mess you made. Laid upon the cold floor - splayed. Short words, only two words more than a single syllable — that's very good. I'd suggest "on" rather than "upon" myself in line three because the extra syllable doesn't pull its weight. English English diction is different than American English diction, of course, but I'd still go for the single syllable variation. You're chosing an interesting style of verse half-between formal and free which I find attractive. I think there might be a bit of a problem between lines three and four, however. To my ear, line three doesn't actually break naturally where you have it broken. I suggest this as a way of checking for yourself — try reading the poem aloud into a recorder and listen later for where you tend to break the line when you read it out loud. Your written breaks should come fairly close to where your voice breaks go in the actually reading process. If that doesn't work for you, then it doesn't work for you; but it would help if you had some consistant way of dealing with these things, as a way of checking yourself. Once you have this down, you can play against it for different effects, but you'll need to have a notion of what you want as your general practice first. I tend to read lines three and four either as Laid on the cold floor, splayed[;] or, Laid on the cold floor, splayed. Not two metrical feet per line, but two beats, roughly, though free verse wouild allow you whatever lattitude you wish. Make-up smudged and hair a mess, A perfect face Under duress. Lovely second stanza; simply lovely. You miught consider a comma after line one and cutting "and" at the beginning of line two. That gives you an immediate rhythmical kick at the beginning of line two. The irregularity of that sharp first syllable gives the hair an extra littl bit of tustle. Rather than "'A' perfect face," you might consider '"that' perfect face" because it is a bit more specific, don't you think? Messed skirt clinging to your thigh, Though still you can't remember why. Third stanza. Now the previous stanza stood as a sentence fragment. You can allow that to stand, or you can use a comma at the end of the second stanza to link it with the third. The key point seems to come for me in the preposition at the beginning of line three, "Though." The preposition suggests that there is a certain kind of linking relationship between the material before and after the proposition. You need, on a revision and never on a first draft, to try to think through what the nature of that relationship may be. The use of "though" suggests that even after all this material that you've already gone through has happened, despite all of it, then the conditions after the word "though" will still apply. So here is this woman whose been through the ringer, been bounced around like a basketball, and despite all that she can't remember why all this happened? Perhaps I'm misreading you here. It's happened in the past and will happen again, but the actual link that the word "though" suggests doesn't seem to apply here. Prepositions are very slippery words, and they can be on revision, a true pain. Despite that, the difference between a preposition that clicks and one that doesn't quite can make a large difference; and, on revision and in the revison process only, they're well worth considering. "And" seems a better choice to me, but what do I know? Very fine poem. I admire it a great deal and look forward to seeing more of your stuff from time to time. I don't know where you are in the U.K., but if you're around London, there's a nice weekly reading at Betterton House, used to be on Tuesday Evenings, and a lot of the poets who come are more than willing to talk about their stuff and to look at and talk about your stuff. They're very nice people and very friendly, and there's a poet's cafe that's open there from time to time. 22 Betterton Street. There are links with Poetry Review, and there's a whole national network of poets, very available for face to face support. And seeing you here promises to be a treat as well. My best, Bob Kaven |
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Stitches Member
since 2009-11-27
Posts 159United Kingdom |
Oh my! Well thank-you very much for looking at it so thoroughly. Quite frankly it was a bit of a shock, I don't usually get that on here and I'm glad for it, especially as I do not tend to have the patience to edit my work... Usually I write it, replace a few words if I'm feeling flush then never look at it again. Now in response to your last point, though it is a fair while ago that I wrote this and I can hardly remember (oh the irony) but I think she was drugged... So she wouldn't really remember what happened to her. And thanks for the invite. Thank-you again. x 'I feel like an animal, and I don't think that I get it. But one day I'll see you around.' [This message has been edited by Ron (09-04-2016 02:11 PM).] |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Nope, I'm an American, here in LA, but I've been to Betterton House for the Tuesday readings and they're open. You don't need an invite. I believe it's part of The Poetry Review's ongoing program, and everybody there is wonderful. You'd fit right in, for real. When I was there they Had Somebody from The Wolf running the thing, and you'd have a ball. The cost of the cokes is steep, but the company is great and the discussion is fun, especially if you go a few times and get to know people. Very few stuck up folks at all. Very low key. Ambit also has a regular reading in London as well, but I think they're a bit fancier. It's just very good to go to places like that and listen to other poets read, and 6th form is a great time to do that, to start. Keep writing. keep reading. |
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