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Passions in Poetry

Self-righteous Idiot!

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UNTAMEDelegance
Member
since 05-30-2009
Posts 224
Oregon


0 posted 09-15-2009 12:13 PM       View Profile for UNTAMEDelegance   Email UNTAMEDelegance   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for UNTAMEDelegance


I hate that self-righteous
IDIOT!
He thinks he can push me around.
The sad thing is, we used to be friends
when we were younger.

I hate that self-righteous
Jerk!
He thinks that he owns the world.
The sad thing is, he actually thinks
that he's better that me.

I hate that self-righteous
Loser!
He thinks he's smarter than Einstein.
The sad thing is, he's more stupid
than a goldfish with a lobotomy.

I hate that self-righteous
Narcissist!
He thinks he's such a sexy hunk.
The sad thing is, he's not all
that much to look at.

I hate that self-righteous
IDIOT!
He thinks everyone loves to be around him.
The sad thing is...
No, the worst thing is,
I am forced to see him,
every single day
of the school year.
© Copyright 2009 Melissa Reneé Axtell - All Rights Reserved
N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet
Member
since 07-30-2009
Posts 369
New Orleans


1 posted 09-18-2009 01:44 AM       View Profile for N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet   Email N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet

I liked it.

Wonderfully captured.
nakdthoughts
Member Laureate
since 10-29-2000
Posts 19275
Between the Lines


2 posted 09-18-2009 06:59 AM       View Profile for nakdthoughts   Email nakdthoughts   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nakdthoughts

You definitely get your point across even though "hate" is a very strong word.

I am always telling young children to learn to ignore that which bothers them because if someone knows it does that, they continue to do it.

And then there is that idea that no one can really make you feel any particular way if you don't allow it (even though I know that's hard to do)

M
WanderingWillow
New Member
since 08-28-2010
Posts 4


3 posted 08-28-2010 10:33 PM       View Profile for WanderingWillow   Email WanderingWillow   Edit/Delete Message     View IP for WanderingWillow

Was this about our favorite Wolfe?
Octave
Member
since 07-29-2008
Posts 188
Highlands, Scotland.


4 posted 08-30-2010 05:58 PM       View Profile for Octave   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Octave

Haha, this basically sums up one of my 'friends' and all the shizz going on with him at the moment. I could use everyone of those adjectives to describe him. Hmm.
Nice poem, interesting layout.
Bob K
Member Elite
since 11-03-2007
Posts 3860


5 posted 08-31-2010 10:37 PM       View Profile for Bob K   Email Bob K   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Bob K

Dear Untamed,

          Let me say first what I find good about this poem.  There will be nothing bad to say about it, but I will offer some suggestions to think about, if you want to use them.

     First, it is absolutely clear.  I know exactly what you are talking about through every line of the poem.  Ezra Pound said that Poetry ought to be at least as well written as prose.  A lot of poets fall well short of that mark and you don't do that here.  I think that's a big deal.

     Second it's got a clear strategy to it.  Each stanza has the same clean structure.  I hate that  adjective adjective x.  He thinks y.  The sad thing is z.

     You have even worked a good closure strategy into the piece.  Most poets don't even thing of closure, but you have.  This is spectacular.  This comes with the variation from the pattern in the last stanza, exactly here:

The sad thing is...
No, the worst thing is,....

     The variation from the pattern provides the sense of closure, and you've pulled it off.

     What you have here is an actual real live poem with everything it needs to survive on its own.  What I would suggest is that you consider taking out the word "school."  There are plusses and minuses to doing that.  The minuses first.  You are a student.  Going to school is part of your actual life and this poem is about your actual life, and taking it out can be seen as making to poem that little bit more phoney.  It would be falsifying the poem a bit if you're writing for yourself.  It would be entirely understandable if you left the word in, and perhaps you should do so.

     If you're writing for the poem, then the use of the word seems unnecessary.  It seems clear that you're roughly high school age from the rest of the text, so you aren't actually hiding that fact from the reader.  The use of the word does explicitlt something you've already done brilliantly with your voice and speaking style, though, so the actual use of the word "school" feels as though it were a bit jarring.  At least to my ear.

     Leave it in or take it out, this is a wonderful piece of work and I'm happy to see it.  And this is the perfect thing to do with the various jerks in your life.  It also works well for cats and the occasional holiday.

     You should be very pleased to be using structure and clarity so well.  Many people never understand.

     Have you been reading any modern women poets?  Louise Gluck, Jane Shore, Lola Haskins are all worth a look if you get a chance.

     Be well, and thanks for letting the folks here have a look.  I think it's great.

Best wishes, Bob Kaven  
I hate that self-righteous
IDIOT!
He thinks he can push me around.
The sad thing is, we used to be friends
when we were younger.

I hate that self-righteous
Jerk!
He thinks that he owns the world.
The sad thing is, he actually thinks
that he's better that me.

I hate that self-righteous
Loser!
He thinks he's smarter than Einstein.
The sad thing is, he's more stupid
than a goldfish with a lobotomy.

I hate that self-righteous
Narcissist!
He thinks he's such a sexy hunk.
The sad thing is, he's not all
that much to look at.

I hate that self-righteous
IDIOT!
He thinks everyone loves to be around him.
The sad thing is...
No, the worst thing is,
I am forced to see him,
every single day
of the school year.
XGarapanX
Senior Member
since 06-19-2008
Posts 1416
Rekjavik Iceland


6 posted 01-02-2011 10:32 AM       View Profile for XGarapanX   Email XGarapanX   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit XGarapanX's Home Page   View IP for XGarapanX

umm... Gee Whizkits Bat Girl, after all that up above me it hardly seems worth saying, but I like it.

·´~`·­»Garapan«­·´~`·  "Look! Crumbs on his jacketses... Heeee took it!"

 
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