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Teen Poetry #9
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Self-righteous Idiot!
| Teen Poetry #9 |
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Self-righteous Idiot! |
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UNTAMEDelegance Member
since 2009-05-30
Posts 222Oregon |
I hate that self-righteous IDIOT! He thinks he can push me around. The sad thing is, we used to be friends when we were younger. I hate that self-righteous Jerk! He thinks that he owns the world. The sad thing is, he actually thinks that he's better that me. I hate that self-righteous Loser! He thinks he's smarter than Einstein. The sad thing is, he's more stupid than a goldfish with a lobotomy. I hate that self-righteous Narcissist! He thinks he's such a sexy hunk. The sad thing is, he's not all that much to look at. I hate that self-righteous IDIOT! He thinks everyone loves to be around him. The sad thing is... No, the worst thing is, I am forced to see him, every single day of the school year. |
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| © Copyright 2009 Melissa Reneé Axtell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet Member
since 2009-07-30
Posts 360New Orleans |
I liked it. Wonderfully captured. |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
You definitely get your point across even though "hate" is a very strong word. I am always telling young children to learn to ignore that which bothers them because if someone knows it does that, they continue to do it. And then there is that idea that no one can really make you feel any particular way if you don't allow it (even though I know that's hard to do) M |
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WanderingWillow New Member
since 2010-08-28
Posts 4 |
Was this about our favorite Wolfe? |
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Octave Member
since 2008-07-29
Posts 186Highlands, Scotland. |
Haha, this basically sums up one of my 'friends' and all the shizz going on with him at the moment. I could use everyone of those adjectives to describe him. Hmm. Nice poem, interesting layout. |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Untamed, Let me say first what I find good about this poem. There will be nothing bad to say about it, but I will offer some suggestions to think about, if you want to use them. First, it is absolutely clear. I know exactly what you are talking about through every line of the poem. Ezra Pound said that Poetry ought to be at least as well written as prose. A lot of poets fall well short of that mark and you don't do that here. I think that's a big deal. Second it's got a clear strategy to it. Each stanza has the same clean structure. I hate that adjective adjective x. He thinks y. The sad thing is z. You have even worked a good closure strategy into the piece. Most poets don't even thing of closure, but you have. This is spectacular. This comes with the variation from the pattern in the last stanza, exactly here: The sad thing is... No, the worst thing is,.... The variation from the pattern provides the sense of closure, and you've pulled it off. What you have here is an actual real live poem with everything it needs to survive on its own. What I would suggest is that you consider taking out the word "school." There are plusses and minuses to doing that. The minuses first. You are a student. Going to school is part of your actual life and this poem is about your actual life, and taking it out can be seen as making to poem that little bit more phoney. It would be falsifying the poem a bit if you're writing for yourself. It would be entirely understandable if you left the word in, and perhaps you should do so. If you're writing for the poem, then the use of the word seems unnecessary. It seems clear that you're roughly high school age from the rest of the text, so you aren't actually hiding that fact from the reader. The use of the word does explicitlt something you've already done brilliantly with your voice and speaking style, though, so the actual use of the word "school" feels as though it were a bit jarring. At least to my ear. Leave it in or take it out, this is a wonderful piece of work and I'm happy to see it. And this is the perfect thing to do with the various jerks in your life. It also works well for cats and the occasional holiday. You should be very pleased to be using structure and clarity so well. Many people never understand. Have you been reading any modern women poets? Louise Gluck, Jane Shore, Lola Haskins are all worth a look if you get a chance. Be well, and thanks for letting the folks here have a look. I think it's great. Best wishes, Bob Kaven I hate that self-righteous IDIOT! He thinks he can push me around. The sad thing is, we used to be friends when we were younger. I hate that self-righteous Jerk! He thinks that he owns the world. The sad thing is, he actually thinks that he's better that me. I hate that self-righteous Loser! He thinks he's smarter than Einstein. The sad thing is, he's more stupid than a goldfish with a lobotomy. I hate that self-righteous Narcissist! He thinks he's such a sexy hunk. The sad thing is, he's not all that much to look at. I hate that self-righteous IDIOT! He thinks everyone loves to be around him. The sad thing is... No, the worst thing is, I am forced to see him, every single day of the school year. |
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XGarapanX Senior Member
since 2008-06-19
Posts 1435Antarctica |
umm... Gee Whizkits Bat Girl, after all that up above me it hardly seems worth saying, but I like it. ·´~`·»Garapan«·´~`· "Look! Crumbs on his jacketses... Heeee took it!" |
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