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Passions in Poetry

My first post on here.

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Ingrediants
New Member
since 09-13-2009
[First Post] 8


0 posted 09-14-2009 01:16 AM       View Profile for Ingrediants   Email Ingrediants   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Ingrediants

Sanguine

These written words of pages plied
My linguistic tools on which I rely
Are all my drug to keep me sane
They pause the world and numb the brain
My reckless pen scrawls gibberish
Thoughts radiant in design
A mystery to the world
Conceptions I divine
Through negligence of sound regard
I repeat my ill mistakes
Fix these holes that leak the truth
Fix my constant aches
Problems seem to cultivate
They multiply for sure
Not long now
I have my fix
For now I must endure
As leaden lids slip down my eyes
Torment calls with nights disguise
I pry apart my brittle mind
Rummage through my hidden core
Expose these secrets long confined
The answers I been waiting for
But sanguine skies spell journey’s end
To join my body as I ascend
Velvet clouds, translucent shrouds
They hinder my escape
I shut my eyes to my demise
This torture I can’t take
Raking sheets of memories
Unfurl within my grasp
Whispered thoughts spit poison truth
My mind is torn aghast
I plead my soul to let me through
I need this prize, which I attained
The speck of light is just in view
But still the haze remained

Tell me what you think of it. I love constructive criticism.
© Copyright 2009 Ingrediants - All Rights Reserved
Alison
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Rara Avis
since 01-27-2008
Posts 9055
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!


1 posted 09-14-2009 01:19 AM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

Welcome to PiP.  I think this is really good, and am coming back to it to read again.  What an entrance!

A
hunnie_girl
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 06-18-2006
Posts 2539
Canada


2 posted 09-14-2009 05:09 AM       View Profile for hunnie_girl   Email hunnie_girl   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for hunnie_girl

welcome to Passions this is a lovely first post. hope to read more soon
Krysti
madelyn
Member
since 09-03-2009
Posts 172
Purgatory


3 posted 09-14-2009 05:31 AM       View Profile for madelyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for madelyn

a good read... hope their is more to come
Clockwork_Orange
Senior Member
since 03-23-2007
Posts 623
Space Camp, IN


4 posted 09-14-2009 03:39 PM       View Profile for Clockwork_Orange   Email Clockwork_Orange   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Clockwork_Orange's Home Page   View IP for Clockwork_Orange

verynice. well written and good flow. loved the feeling of it.
precious pearls
Member
since 07-24-2009
Posts 110
NJ; United States


5 posted 09-14-2009 09:48 PM       View Profile for precious pearls   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for precious pearls

I absolutely L.O.V.E.D. it! Like it to the point of it being Outstanding + marvelous and Very Excellently Done!!! Great first poem!
Hope to see more!

Always,
   Kai (a.k.a. precious pearls)

Assassin_of_Verse
Member
since 10-23-2007
Posts 330
that So Cal


6 posted 10-05-2009 09:15 PM       View Profile for Assassin_of_Verse   Email Assassin_of_Verse   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Assassin_of_Verse

Its great. Your words have a great hue to them, some cold and flourescent, while others strikingly hot.

One thing that bothered me was the lack of spacing. Though I'm not sure if it was intentional, I think the lack of distinction hid some of the better qualities.

Anyway, welcome to Pip! (Though I have no right to say that since I'm in the habit of ditching my poems here...)

There is power in the pen.

stargal
Senior Member
since 03-06-2006
Posts 1350
OR USA


7 posted 10-06-2009 12:38 AM       View Profile for stargal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for stargal

Hi Ingrediants (I love your name, it must be the baker in me!)

I thought this was a very interesting (for lack of a better word) poem. I especially liked the beginning,
        “These written words of pages plied
         My linguistic tools on which I rely
         Are all my drug to keep me sane”


I can understand this. Writing is a form of release for me, and I think this described that emotion, that passion perfectly.

My only quirk with the poem was I felt you had some filler sentences that were unnecessary, and they detracted from some very beautiful lines/thoughts. It might just be me, but when reading this allowed I noticed broken thoughts because of lines being shoved in to fill space, or take up space. Of course I'm just some random person online pretending to know what they're saying, please keep that in mind.

Oh, I did have a question. I noticed you didn't use any punctuation except for at the very end when you said, “ I need this prize, which I attained” ,(it is the 3rd line from the last). Was this for a particular reason, other then it works, or was it a mistake?

Thanks for sharing, I had a good time reading this!

Stargal-

P.S. Welcome!
 
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