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Passions in Poetry

The Party

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lee_webber666
New Member
since 09-07-2009
[First Post] 4
Torbay, Devon, UK


0 posted 09-07-2009 07:40 AM       View Profile for lee_webber666   Email lee_webber666   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for lee_webber666

(Hi this is my first ever poem, I've never shown it to anyone before so any feedback, good or bad, would be greatly appreciated. Thanks)

What is it?
What is it that sends us to the outside of a party,
To rummage amongst the social discrimemities, the dregs, the abandoned.
To dwell within the depths of our mind,
Whilst others around us submerge themselves into a social bliss that has yet to exist.
Constantly aware yet desperately distant,
Time moves on yet stays persistent.
Oh why canít I just be like them and raise this glass to life.

Unwritten laws that subdue my night,
And confines me to this bitter state.
Familiar strangers pass on by,
Without so much as a cast of the eye.

Oh why do I care, letís drink.
Letís submerge my mind into a state of abeyance,
A sea of unconsciousness harbouring the reality of my ineffectual life.
Letís drink.
Until self-awareness subsides and Iím lured into a sense of social immortality.
Shunned away from this state of alertness,  
The fear resides but fact remains.
My inner being encapsulated,
Within the walls of this empty shell.
Let's drink.  

By Lee Webber


© Copyright 2009 lee_webber666 - All Rights Reserved
Alison
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Rara Avis
since 01-27-2008
Posts 9055
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!


1 posted 09-07-2009 12:24 PM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

Lee,

Welcome to PiP.

This is a very thought-provoking poem.  Sometimes I think that no one is as comfortable with others as they may appear.  We all seem to have insecurities and flaws we hope that go unnoticed.  Sometimes we are the only one to consider our "flaws" flaws.  Sometimes others see our quirks and personality blemishes as what makes us special and unique.

See you have me thinking.  I like this poem and congratulate you on the courage of sharing your first poem ever.

I look forward to reading more as you write more.

Alison
Ravagence
Member
since 08-16-2009
Posts 79


2 posted 09-07-2009 12:31 PM       View Profile for Ravagence   Email Ravagence   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Ravagence

You are quite talented, although I'd like to see you try to stand out more in your poetry.
heartofsteel
Junior Member
since 09-07-2009
Posts 13
Oregon, USA


3 posted 09-07-2009 10:46 PM       View Profile for heartofsteel   Email heartofsteel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for heartofsteel

The way we see ourselves is a killer
i really enjoyed this
fantastic job!
keep working at it and keep writing!
lee_webber666
New Member
since 09-07-2009
Posts 4
Torbay, Devon, UK


4 posted 09-08-2009 03:30 PM       View Profile for lee_webber666   Email lee_webber666   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for lee_webber666

Thank you very much everyone for the really kind words. I really didn't think it would go down well and these kind words have encouraged me to start work on my next poem. So seriously, thanks a lot!

And Alison, thank you for understanding, if that is something I can thank somebody for. But seriously, that was the exact meaning of this poem, and to see somebody appreciate and take the time to think about this is a really re-assuring sign to my poetry. Thank you for taking the time out to read this, it means a lot to me.

Lee Webber
lee_webber666
New Member
since 09-07-2009
Posts 4
Torbay, Devon, UK


5 posted 09-08-2009 03:32 PM       View Profile for lee_webber666   Email lee_webber666   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for lee_webber666

Thank you very much everyone for the really kind words. I really didn't think it would go down well and these kind words have encouraged me to start work on my next poem. So seriously, thanks a lot!

And Alison, thank you for understanding, if that is something I can thank somebody for. But seriously, that was the exact meaning of this poem, and to see somebody appreciate and take the time to think about this is a really re-assuring sign to my poetry. Thank you for taking the time out to read this, it means a lot to me.

Lee Webber
hunnie_girl
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 06-18-2006
Posts 2539
Canada


6 posted 09-10-2009 07:55 PM       View Profile for hunnie_girl   Email hunnie_girl   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for hunnie_girl

well done Lee. i really liked this, i would suggest spell checking all your work before submitting it. also (this is my personal opinion) you have a very advanced vocab. the words are good and relevant but so many advanced words in every sentence makes it take away from some of the simplicity. hope to read more from you.
Krysti
madelyn
Member
since 09-03-2009
Posts 172
Purgatory


7 posted 09-11-2009 04:48 AM       View Profile for madelyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for madelyn

This is a really good poem and has some very good lines.
nakdthoughts
Member Laureate
since 10-29-2000
Posts 19275
Between the Lines


8 posted 09-11-2009 08:37 AM       View Profile for nakdthoughts   Email nakdthoughts   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nakdthoughts

Whilst others around us submerge themselves into a social bliss that has yet to exist

a very interesting thought...

The only part I am not fond with is the "Let's drink" repetition, as that will solve nothing and keep you in the false sense of belonging... or following the crowd...and your other words actually give that sense of drinking.

Very nice first post.
Welcome
M

Ingrediants
New Member
since 09-13-2009
Posts 8


9 posted 09-13-2009 11:35 PM       View Profile for Ingrediants   Email Ingrediants   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Ingrediants

I liked this poem, it hit home for when i used to go to parties and just hang around the back hoping someone extroverted would start up a conversation.
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