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 Teen Poetry #9
 my own little land mine
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Passions in Poetry

my own little land mine

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Leanne <3
Member
since 08-25-2007
Posts 217
N.S.W, Australia


0 posted 08-05-2009 01:21 AM       View Profile for Leanne <3   Email Leanne <3   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Leanne <3


Im trying so hard
To make sense of it all
But you somehow have me blinded
And feeling so god dam small

You said that I was different
That I wasnt just a game
That I meant more than all those other girls
But still, you played me all the same.

I fell and fell again
Praying that youd seen sense.
I was wide-eyed in the dark
Without an ounce of defence.

I told you I was done
Youd broken me down to dust
Id lost everything I was
In this stupid game of lust.

And again you reeled me in
Played me for a fool
You knew my every weakness
And you used it as your fuel

But now Im saying no
Im finally taking control
Perhaps a little too late
When you look at what you stole

You somehow had me blinded
Thinking that you were my only light
But now Im strong enough to see
That Im better off alone tonight.

Inside this exterior, over which the eye might have roved there was the record of a pulsing life, which had learnt too well for its years Thomas Har

© Copyright 2009 Leanne Jenkins - All Rights Reserved
Assassin_of_Verse
Member
since 10-23-2007
Posts 330
that So Cal


1 posted 08-21-2009 02:39 AM       View Profile for Assassin_of_Verse   Email Assassin_of_Verse   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Assassin_of_Verse

Ok, starting with wat I liked:
"I was wide-eyed in the dark
Without an ounce of defence."

To me, "wide-eyed" sound almost innocent, kinda like a surprised kid or baby. "Without an ounce of defence." conveyed the same feeling. Your words also showed me how this person blinded u and robbed u.

Um, a few things that I feel u could improve: While ur middle stanzas were pretty good, I thought ur beginning and end could've been stronger. For instance, maybe describing just how hard u were trying? (unless u meant it to be ambiguous)

At the end, ur ryhme scheme is fine, but i think the overall end would flow better if u changed blinded to something else. Since ur wrapping up ur poem, (and explained just wat kind of person ur rejectin) u could show show just wat that person did, instead of repeating how blinding he was (blinding kinda gives a sense of light or purity...)

Overall, it was good. I don't know u, so i cant say, but im sure u can do better? Lol, sorry for the long write.

There is power in the pen.

Leanne <3
Member
since 08-25-2007
Posts 217
N.S.W, Australia


2 posted 09-15-2009 01:19 AM       View Profile for Leanne <3   Email Leanne <3   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Leanne <3

No thanks for the feedback, it was much appreciated, i will take it into account and go over it a few times and try to fix it up

 
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