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Passions in Poetry

Crumble

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freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


0 posted 06-18-2009 07:39 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy


Break the bones beneath my breasts.
Let it create chaos
within my chest.
Crumble,
Crumble,
Crumble my lies within a fist.
Stuff the ashes
in my throat,
They won't be missed.

Suffocate the words of love,
The ones said,
When my other half
Was drunk.
Crumble,
Crumble,
Crumble my feelings into the dirt.
Let it fade beneath
The pebbles.
All it did, was make the ones I love,
Hurt.

Crumble,
Crumble,
Let the thoughts of me,
Crumble.

The hardest part about writing poetry,
is trying not to write like everyone else.

© Copyright 2009 Christine Juarez - All Rights Reserved
Leanne <3
Member
since 08-25-2007
Posts 217
N.S.W, Australia


1 posted 06-18-2009 10:05 PM       View Profile for Leanne <3   Email Leanne <3   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Leanne <3

this sounds like you rambling on about all your regrets and fears, but in a good way.  Like we are exposed to the rush and confusion of thoughts going through your head.
i really enjoyed it.
Earl Robertson
Senior Member
since 01-21-2008
Posts 753
BC, Canada


2 posted 06-19-2009 12:22 AM       View Profile for Earl Robertson   Email Earl Robertson   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Earl Robertson

Wheew...

you absolutely spewed on this one. It's not bad but has a rushing quality to it...like I'm supposed to speed my way through it.

Or maybe that's just the mood I'm in...?
nehematala
Member
since 05-21-2009
Posts 129


3 posted 06-19-2009 02:57 PM       View Profile for nehematala   Email nehematala   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nehematala

I like this poem. . It feels quick. But it is truly a wonderful poem!

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either.

freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


4 posted 06-20-2009 01:35 AM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Thanks for the replies!

I did want it move a bit quick, but not too much. I haven't been able to write well lately, so I know this isn't my best

The hardest part about writing poetry,
is trying not to write like everyone else.

Grinch
Member Elite
since 12-31-2005
Posts 2710
Whoville


5 posted 06-20-2009 08:47 AM       View Profile for Grinch   Email Grinch   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Grinch


If you removed the repetition of the word “crumble” from the first strophe, re-wrote the rest using the same strong language, syllable count and rhyme scheme you’d have a very very very good poem.

PS.

You can replace the repetition of “very” in my reply with the word exceptional if you like – they mean roughly the same thing.

freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


6 posted 06-23-2009 02:06 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Thanks Grinch, I'll try to do that.

The hardest part about writing poetry,
is trying not to write like everyone else.

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