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 My mind has become my Nightmare
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Passions in Poetry

My mind has become my Nightmare

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Falling rain
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since 01-31-2008
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Small town, Illinois


0 posted 06-14-2009 12:36 AM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain


Please stop me if I start to cry
Because my mind can't reason with the "why's?"
The bad memories are set on repeat
No matter how many times I press delete.

My thoughts are in the mode to kill
Pulling, stretching against powers of my will.
Memories like a deadly wolf pack
Fur raised. Teeth bared. Ready for attack.

Cornered in the backdrops of my mind
The shadows pulling me in from behind
My eyes a glimmer in the black night
Shimmering. My skin turns white.

My mind has turned against me
Simple and secret mutiny
I hold myself oh so tight
Afraid to, once again, sleep at night.  


---------------------------------------------------
To be honest this didn't make much sense to me after I read it a few times. I think I should change some of it because some lines don't fit. But then again I was pretty much venting when writing. Haha. Enjoy?
© Copyright 2009 Zach Booker-Scott - All Rights Reserved
kindredspirit
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since 05-19-2009
Posts 156


1 posted 06-14-2009 01:01 AM       View Profile for kindredspirit   Email kindredspirit   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for kindredspirit

i like it.
Grinch
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since 12-31-2005
Posts 2710
Whoville


2 posted 06-14-2009 05:33 AM       View Profile for Grinch   Email Grinch   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Grinch


I think your attempts to hit the end rhymes took over and made a mess of all the other parts that make a good poem Ė it happens Ė itíll happen less frequently once you realise what youíre doing wrong.

.
Falling rain
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3 posted 06-14-2009 10:33 AM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

That's it! I knew something was wrong with it but I just couldn't put my finger on it.

-Zach

"Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect" - Bob Marley

Grinch
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since 12-31-2005
Posts 2710
Whoville


4 posted 06-14-2009 07:59 PM       View Profile for Grinch   Email Grinch   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Grinch

It isnít the only thing thatís wrong Zach but itís probably the source of all the things that are wrong.

The problems all started when you selected the rhyme scheme.

You selected a rhyme scheme (AA, BB, CC, DD) thatís extremely difficult to pull off without it sounding forced. The reason itís so hard is that the distance between the first rhyme and the second is so short that it makes it difficult to hit the second rhyme, keep on track with what you want to say and make it grammatically correct all at the same time. Itís the poetic equivalent of slalom skiing; youíve got to get around the flag on the right hand side of the course then pull a hard left to reach the next flag thatís 15 feet down the course but on the left. If you make the left hand flag you have to pull a hard right to make the next one, but by this time youíre going even faster. The skierís normally smooth technique falls apart pretty quickly as he tries to make each flag in the same way that the poet's meaning, meter and grammar falls apart trying to hit the rhymes. If given a little more wiggle room both the skier and the poet can maintain their technique and make the end product look a little smoother, a little less forced.

Please stop me if I start to cry
The bad memories are set on repeat
Because my mind can't reason with the "why's?"
No matter how many times I press delete.

My thoughts are in the mode to kill
Memories like a deadly wolf pack
Pulling, stretching against powers of my will.
Fur raised. Teeth bared. Ready for attack.

Cornered in the backdrops of my mind
My eyes a glimmer in the black night
The shadows pulling me in from behind
Shimmering. My skin turns white.

My mind has turned against me
I hold myself oh so tight
Simple and secret mutiny
Afraid to, once again, sleep at night.

Once you move the rhymes (flags)all you need to do is tidy up the meter, meaning and grammar that got bent out of shape trying to make the original flags and you'll end up with a passable poem.

Happy skiing.


Falling rain
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5 posted 06-15-2009 09:51 AM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

Oh okay! So (AA,BB,CC,) rhyming pattern isn't the wisest thing to do. :P
I don't know about meter. Tried it once and got frustrated with it. Because once you focus on the meter then you loose whatever you wanted to write about. Like you can't convey what you wanted to say because the line might throw off the pattern. That's my reason for not using it. Haha.

But thanks for the suggestions Mr.Grinch!

-Zach

"Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect" - Bob Marley

RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
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since 06-11-2007
Posts 1062
In Love <3


6 posted 06-15-2009 11:00 AM       View Profile for RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed

i remember when i was afriad to sleep at night. I agree that aa bb cc rhyming patteren is difficult to do well and really is kind of old, but you what? If you keep practising (and take a creative writing class- no lie it helped me a lot) then you'll be really good at whatever you write.

-Kate

"What are you!?"
"I'm complicated."

LittleWillow
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since 12-27-2007
Posts 54


7 posted 06-15-2009 12:21 PM       View Profile for LittleWillow   Email LittleWillow   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for LittleWillow

I think it could be a great poem.
I understand what everyone is saying, and if you put the nail on the head you could pull that lil one right off. Its great, really is..

Well done though! =]
xx
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