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Passions in Poetry

Saturday Afternoon

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pen&paper
Senior Member
since 06-06-2006
Posts 519


0 posted 06-06-2009 05:56 PM       View Profile for pen&paper   Email pen&paper   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for pen&paper

Tap tap tap
Fingers on keys on keyboard
Is this the extent of my existence for today?
Sigh. Alright.
As long as tomorrow's more exciting.

Lonliness has an odd sound
Have you heard it recently?
It takes on so many different tones
You may have missed it

Sometimes it's the sound of no one next to you
Other times it's being on a blind date and thinking
'I wish I was deaf.'
Sometimes it's wishing that the person next to you
Would shut up.

For me
It's that there's no one here
Who I really care to talk to
No one able or wanting
To just hang out
And fill the empty space

So today
It's fingers on keys on keyboard
Until my fabulous friends remeber
That I exist
And that the two spaces next to me
Are still empty
© Copyright 2009 Cierra L. Robbeloth - All Rights Reserved
Falling rain
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 01-31-2008
Posts 2165
Small town, Illinois


1 posted 06-08-2009 02:37 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

Aww! This was sooo good. I really really like this. Library

But the only thing I didn't like was the line "Fingers on keys on keyboard" I don't know why it just sounds repetitive to me.

Over all good job!

-Zach

"Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect" - Bob Marley

brneyedgrly
Senior Member
since 06-08-2009
Posts 1126
nowhere and everywhere


2 posted 06-08-2009 06:52 PM       View Profile for brneyedgrly   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for brneyedgrly

I get that line and I like it!  Using all 3 elements (fingers, keys, keyboard) echoes the "tap tap tap" in the first line.
freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


3 posted 06-18-2009 06:58 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

I like this, but I didn't really like the line "Fingers on keys on keyboard", either. It just didn't sound right to me.

The hardest part about writing poetry,
is trying not to write like everyone else.

N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet
Member
since 07-30-2009
Posts 369
New Orleans


4 posted 07-30-2009 06:17 AM       View Profile for N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet   Email N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for N|D|N|C|Lost-Poet

It was perfection as perfection is perfect.


Beautifully captured.
-LostPoet
 
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