How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Main Forums
 Teen Poetry #9
 Temptation Spoken on Firey Lips
 1 2 3 4
Follow us on Facebook

 Moderated by: Acies, Dopey Dope, SEA   (Admins )

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

Temptation Spoken on Firey Lips

 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
Falling rain
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 01-31-2008
Posts 2165
Small town, Illinois


0 posted 05-28-2009 11:57 AM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain


Embers glow low in the ash
Smoke takes refugee in my lung
Burning. Choking on my breath
The taste of poison on my tongue

I sit close to the fire
Watching as it consumes itself
Smoke escapes its fiery jaws
A smile; a lulling image to myself

My hand follows its siren call
Feeling the heat dance upon my skin
Nerves going hay wire under pressure
Trying to fight the battle it can't win

Smell the scent of flesh
As it burns along its fiery lips
It hurts. Unbearable as it kiss
My nails growing black at the tips

Scars still remain
My nails a dark gray
To remind me in the end
Temptations not a reason to stay

Okay for those who didn't understand this poem. Its metaphorical for being draw into temptation. Being hurt by it. And then being left with scars.  
© Copyright 2009 Zach Booker-Scott - All Rights Reserved
freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


1 posted 05-28-2009 03:24 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

I like this. I think it was a bit confusing the first time I read it, but after reading it a couple times more I finally understood what it  meant.

I think for the fourth line, you should change it to this,

The taste of poison on my tongue.

I didn't really care for the words "poison-like"

Anyways, this is jus my opinion.

The tips of my fingers
Start to bleed the thoughts
That overwhelm me

JenniferMaxwell
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 09-14-2006
Posts 2275


2 posted 05-28-2009 10:19 PM       View Profile for JenniferMaxwell   Email JenniferMaxwell   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for JenniferMaxwell

I think this is an amazing leap for you, Zach. It's good to stretch, step out of the box and try something challenging. Really, imo, quite well done, particularly this strophe:

"My hand follows its siren call
Feeling the heat dance upon my skin
Nerves going hay wire under pressure
Trying to fight the battle it can't win"


Falling rain
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 01-31-2008
Posts 2165
Small town, Illinois


3 posted 05-29-2009 10:16 AM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

Christina, underneath the poem I put a translation to my poem, for those who didn't understand it. Lol.

Jenn, Thanks for reading my work. Its good to have someone of more experience in writing praise my work.

Thanks for reading both of you!

-Zach

"Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect" - Bob Marley

nehematala
Member
since 05-21-2009
Posts 129


4 posted 05-29-2009 01:48 PM       View Profile for nehematala   Email nehematala   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nehematala

This is really good it reminds me of a poem I wrote last year.

If you don't like something,
Change it...
If you can't change it,
Change the way you think about it

 
 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Main Forums >> Teen Poetry #9 >> Temptation Spoken on Firey Lips Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors