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a bad free write

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nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


0 posted 05-26-2009 09:09 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for nina1522

really bad, just wrote off top of my head. not revised or anything read at own risk

as i enter the car i assemble my workers
they load the barrels with the roughest bricks
compose the strongest cement
and perfectly orchestrate a wall

they build the walls around me
blocking  out unwanted visitors

they forbid me to talk
forcing me to swallow my questions
vioces bounce off the cement
echoing between the bricks
detaching the words from their bodies


making it impossible for anyone to see in

© Copyright 2009 nina1522 - All Rights Reserved
stargal
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since 03-06-2006
Posts 1350
OR USA


1 posted 05-28-2009 12:12 PM       View Profile for stargal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for stargal

I don't think this is a bad free write, just intriguing. I keep reading this, pondering what you might mean, and I haven't come to a solid conclusion. The first two lines have got me puzzled. You talk about a car, workers, and barrels. The type of car I want to think about is an armoured vehicle. Barrels, guns? Workers, soldiers? This view is enhanced by the fact their keeping “unwanted visitors” out. Except then my entire view is pulled apart by the third stanza, first line. Their your workers, (as stated in the first line) but they forbid you to talk? Whose giving orders now!

I then came up with things like, it's a limousine, your the president, to it's your mind, your mind are the workers blocking out bad vibes, and as a last resort, aliens (don't ask me how aliens play in this because I have no idea)!

Forgive me, this is not meant as negative criticism, but honest to goodness interest in your poem. What inspired you to write this? What were your feelings when you wrote this? I am rather nosy... so feel free to ignore... how tall are you? jk... no, really, how tall are you? Ook... i'll stop now, my only excuse being that I just finished graveyard and have not quite connected all the dots.

Thanks for posting, its been fun for me to read!
Falling rain
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since 01-31-2008
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2 posted 05-28-2009 01:25 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

Hmmm.. Stargal has a point. President sounds like it would fit nicely. But my thoughts are, what if this is a metaphor? Like a deeper meaning behind these words? I don't know what it is honestly but it seems like this means something else. Good write though.

-Zach

stargal
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since 03-06-2006
Posts 1350
OR USA


3 posted 05-28-2009 01:36 PM       View Profile for stargal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for stargal

I thought about that as well Zach, but in all honesty, if it is a metaphor I still don't "get it". Cause, I'm not even sure what the metaphor is metaphoring, ya kno? Then again, I don't "get" a lot of things.

BTW nice to see you again
Falling rain
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4 posted 05-28-2009 02:04 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

Yeah, I know how that is. I tried going through the most common possibility's on what the metaphor could mean. And, like you, I still didn't get it.

I think I need to ponder a bit on this. But, then again, maybe I'm just thinking too hard. And this poem isn't as in depth as I think it is.
It could just be plain and simple like it seems. *shrugs* but I don't know.

Haha, Its nice to see you again too.

-Zach  

"Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect" - Bob Marley

freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


5 posted 05-28-2009 03:14 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Hey Nina,

Wow I think this has become like a puzzle, cuz I'm also trying to figure out what the deeper meaning is, if there is one.

I'm probably wrong, but what I got from it was that either you or ppl close to you are trying to close you in from the things around you, maybe trying to protect you, not only trying to protect you from everything around, but also from yourself, by not letting you speak or ask questions. Truthfully, I really have no clue, that's jus what i got from it.

I think you should revise this, or at least give us some insight on it. I'm really curious as to what inspired you to write this.

The tips of my fingers
Start to bleed the thoughts
That overwhelm me

nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


6 posted 05-28-2009 03:51 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

ok wow haha. Well my mom always tells me i have to let people in and that i have this type of wall up blocking everyone else. So i just thought of this after a dentist appointment and when i walk into the car to meet my mom. the walls forbid me to talk, not my workers. for example if she asks how i am ill answer but not in depths. you know??? does that answer your questions haha and im 5'3 or 5'4 haha
stargal
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since 03-06-2006
Posts 1350
OR USA


7 posted 05-29-2009 01:53 AM       View Profile for stargal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for stargal

Yes, actually it does make sense to me now, if I understood you correctly.  I didn't realize that in the third stanza you were talking about the walls, not your workers. I didn't connect the right dots. From what you've said I'd like to think that the line “detaching the words from their bodies” is describing the feeling being lost from the words. It's actually quite brilliant.

This now makes me think of when someone asks, “how are you” and you say, “fine.” What you are really saying is what they want to hear. They don't actually want to hear you complain, or explain in depth how you really are, its almost a rhetorical question being asked.

Thank you again for sharing, I had fun imaging  
Falling rain
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8 posted 05-29-2009 10:02 AM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

Ah Ha! THat makes perfect sense now Stargale! Thanks for figuring it out for me. :P

Enjoyed the good read Nina!

-Zach

"Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect" - Bob Marley

nehematala
Member
since 05-21-2009
Posts 129


9 posted 05-29-2009 01:45 PM       View Profile for nehematala   Email nehematala   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nehematala

This is really good. I  understood it right away because i'm the same way.

If you don't like something,
Change it...
If you can't change it,
Change the way you think about it

Octave
Member
since 07-29-2008
Posts 188
Highlands, Scotland.


10 posted 05-29-2009 03:38 PM       View Profile for Octave   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Octave

Wow, i really loved this. I can COMPLTETLY relate to it, and you have captured it perfectly. Great imagery, nice write.
 
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