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Passions in Poetry

Verbal Diarrhoea

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Octave
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since 07-29-2008
Posts 188
Highlands, Scotland.


0 posted 05-13-2009 06:36 AM       View Profile for Octave   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Octave

Taking Moonbeam's advice i have attempted to write a poem with a lot less "I" in it. (:

Verbal Diarrhoea

Open the chasm in my face
Wait for words to fill the space
Ears tune out and brain does too
Eyes locked on to only you

Twisting, dipping, winding stream
Of letters, numbers, one long scream
A knot of matted mangled thoughts
Words that catch but canít be caught

Swimming through the air around
Racing silence, beating sound
Touch the ceiling, melt the sky
Deny, defy, donít dare imply

Distorted warp of coloured noise
Spinning chaos as it destroys
The aching stretching silence thin
Pause to hear the words begin

Ice cubes clatter to the ground
A dice of frozen, bitter sound
Ribbons winding through your hair
As strands of song race the air

Arms outstretched to greet my voice
Mouth is open but not by choice
A noise of words comes from inside
Beating thought in one swift stride

They hit your ears and then they die
Then sitting, waiting for a reply
The air is still, the silence cracks
Though words are gone I canít relax

Open the chasm in your face
Wait for words to fill the space
Ears tune out and brain does too
As communication waits for you.
© Copyright 2009 Octave - All Rights Reserved
moonbeam
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1 posted 05-15-2009 04:58 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Dense with ideas and images again Octave; altogether quite a maelstrom of words, and a very appropriate title yet again too.  

The poem races on a great pace as you no doubt intended.  You certainly have a talent for matching the message, the tone and the pacing in your writing, and whether you know it or not you are employing meter very well.  This is principally trochaic DUM da.  It would be trochaic tetrameter as in Hiawatha:

"Should you ask me, whence these stories?
Whence these legends and traditions,
With the odors of the forest,
With the dew and damp of meadows,"

But you have truncated the final foot.  So you have:

DUM da     DUM da      DUM da      DUM

rather than:

DUM da     DUM da      DUM da      DUM da

This is fine.  It contributes in my view to the tension and urgency of your poem by placing two stressed syllables together, the last syllable of each line and the first syllable of the next line.  This keeps the reader constantly on tip toe moving forward as it were, rather than in Hiawatha where each line is neatly closed off in what can become a somewhat soporific effect.  

And where you've broken the metrical pattern you have done so "within the rules".  

My guess is that you've done all this unconsciously, without being too aware of the technical side of the metrics.  You obviously have a natural ear for what is "right".  Something that many people struggle to learn.

So ...

You can handle meter.
You like rhyme.
You have a talent for the original.

How about trying a sonnet?  Have you written one before?

M
Octave
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since 07-29-2008
Posts 188
Highlands, Scotland.


2 posted 05-18-2009 07:27 AM       View Profile for Octave   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Octave

Its good to hear that i am using this "metre" correctly. I had never heard of it before i came onto this board. Is it something i should read more into and practice, or should i just leave it, and let it work itself out?

Thank you very much, i try to make my poems interesting and never really know what i'm writing about when i begin one. Which can produce a good effect or in many cases a very negetive one. haha.

No, i don't think i have ever written a sonnet. This is going to sound stupid but, what exactly is a sonnet?
moonbeam
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3 posted 05-18-2009 11:30 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Not stupid at all.

To start with read this:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sonnet
JenniferMaxwell
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4 posted 05-18-2009 05:27 PM       View Profile for JenniferMaxwell   Email JenniferMaxwell   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for JenniferMaxwell

You're a natural with rhyme and meter. A sonnet will be a piece of cake for you I'm sure!
 
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