How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Main Forums
 Teen Poetry #9
 Free Fall
 1 2
Follow us on Facebook

 Moderated by: Acies, Dopey Dope, SEA   (Admins )

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

Free Fall (2nd draft)

 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


0 posted 05-07-2009 11:25 AM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy


This is a bit better, but I think I still need to work on it.


Down a darkness we free fall
Before a bullet reaches our backs,
Running from our one last call,
But we're bombarded by attacks.

Before a bullet reaches our backs ,
Smells of citrus cripples in our nose,
But we're bombarded by attacks,
Faults coming from the route we chose.

Smells of citrus cripples in our nose.
We know a living light is near.
Faults coming from the route we chose
Will run and scream with fear.

We know a living light is near,
Fakeness living in our eyes
Will run and scream with fear.
Truth reveals it's own disguise.

Fakeness living in our eyes,
Running from our one last call,
Truth reveals it's own disguise,
Down a darkness we free fall.

You laugh because I'm different...
I laugh cause I just farted!

© Copyright 2009 Christine Juarez - All Rights Reserved
Grinch
Member Elite
since 12-31-2005
Posts 2710
Whoville


1 posted 05-07-2009 02:16 PM       View Profile for Grinch   Email Grinch   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Grinch

The Pantoum is a hard form to get right so you get kudos from me for even trying one and more kudos for getting the line order correct.

If I knew what I was talking about Id suggest that you worked on the meter using iambic pentameter for each line for instance would remove the unevenness. Unfortunately I dont have a clue what Im talking about so the only suggestion I can offer is to try expanding each line to 10 syllables.

freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


2 posted 05-07-2009 03:51 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Thank you!

I'll try using iambic pentameter, but if that seems to be to difficult to do, then I'll at least expand each line to 10 syllables.

You laugh because I'm different...
I laugh cause I just farted!

freeand2sexy will be notified of replies
 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Main Forums >> Teen Poetry #9 >> Free Fall Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors