How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Main Forums
 Teen Poetry #9
 Kaleidoscope
 1 2
Follow us on Facebook

 Moderated by: Acies, Dopey Dope, SEA   (Admins )

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

Kaleidoscope

 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
Octave
Member
since 07-29-2008
Posts 188
Highlands, Scotland.


0 posted 05-03-2009 03:51 PM       View Profile for Octave   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Octave

Can't decide whether i absolutely deteste this or absolutely love it. I'll leave it up to you guys.

Kaleidoscope

Standing alone on a mirror painted black
Bullet in my hand and gun inside my head
Flakes of golden rain are eating at my smile
Concrete in my shoes are filled with air instead

My arms are twisted up in the best knot I know
While the pebbles in my mind rattle off key
And drops of beads of microscopic needs
Are spilling out my ears in a phobic symphony

Draw out hopscotch in the alveoli of my lung
So every breath I take is a pattern that I break
With spiralling chaos that spins through my nerves
In an appetite of colour that I canít seem to shake

My smile glued to cheeks in a plastic coated lie
Stretching skin over bones that beg to laugh along
And every part of every cell of every single voice
Creeping through my veins in an attempt to belong

Sparks are snapping in my mind, also in my dreams
And itís raining on my fingers as I touch my face
My skin is melting and my neurons ran away as
Emotion passes glory and laughter eats disgrace

Standing alone on a mirror painted black
Bullet in my hand and gun inside my head
Balanced on a pinhead of my lonely ecstasy
Laughing at a game I know Iíd rather live instead.
© Copyright 2009 Octave - All Rights Reserved
moonbeam
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 12-24-2005
Posts 2038


1 posted 05-09-2009 04:51 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Octave

This has an awful lot to like (I prefer it to Senselessly Numb).  You sure have a talent for pulling out wonderful images and wonderful titles  - and this is indeed a kaleidoscope of pictures.  There's hardly a line here that doesn't contain an idea that would make a whole poem in itself, in fact to be honest I've rarely seen a poem with so much wonderful raw material in it.  

I've spent a good deal of the afternoon trying to figure out what weakens this poem and I'm still not entirely sure.  Don't get me wrong, this is a very interesting piece of writing indeed, but in the world of contemporary poetry it might not find a very appreciative audience.  Perhaps the meter is a bit too lumpy in places, but that's a minor issue.   I think the main difficulty is the relentless focus on the self of the speaker.   You have 24 lines of poetry here and in 18 of them you use either the word "I" or "my".  The effect is to induce in your reader a kind of ego centred monotony.  A string of great images is a weakened by the fact that they are all focussed on one subject: "I".

Now I've looked back at your poetry and as most young writers do you use a large proportion of your time writing in the first person.  Let me make it quite clear immediately that there is nothing wrong with that at all - quite the reverse in fact because when you begin writing it is often easier to write powerfully about things you know about intimately.  

Most of us start out though by writing what I might call "cliche filled diary entries", such as:

I suffer from a broken heart
and my soul is in torment
I gaze out at the stars
my tears falling onto
my burning cheeks
as the moon rises over my
beach an angel appears to me.
You.

Awful eh?

Your writing has progressed way beyond that stage and is filled with wonderful originality.  Yet while the content of your poems is mostly wonderful you still retain vestiges of the form and rhythms of those diary entry days:

I did this
I did that
She saw me
I saw her
Her and me

etc etc

By all means write about you and your experiences, but let's try to get specific now.  Try to break away from a repetition of line after line of experiences enjoyed by, and actions performed by "I".  Break up the experience with description or a storyline - make something up, lie!  to tell the truth.  Let the images do the talking.   This poem which you may know by Elizabeth Bishop:

http://bcs.bedfordstmartins.com/virtualit/poetry/fish_elements.html

is an "I" poem.  She describes what "I" did.  But look how the focus is also on the fish.  You feel the poet's emotion and feelings through the descriptions of the fish.  This is a good trick.  Take the focus directly off the "I" to show a story or picture of another object or animal or scene, and in the telling let your readers see indirectly what you the poet or your speaker is feeling.

Here again is Mary Oliver, telling about the "I" but focussing on the rich images of the woods and blackberries to do so:

http://www.poetryconnection.net/poets/Mary_Oliver/3091

See how the "I" retreats in the words to make way for the tastes and scents and feel of the woods and blackberries, yet nevertheless this is definitely a poem about the poet.

Hope this helps.
Octave
Member
since 07-29-2008
Posts 188
Highlands, Scotland.


2 posted 05-13-2009 06:32 AM       View Profile for Octave   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Octave

Thank you very much for taking the time to read and crit.

I can completely see where you are coming from now. I never relised how i much i have been basing poems around...well, myself i suppose. I read both those poems and i have to say, i completely agree with you. I look forward to trying to cut the habit of writing from "I" all the time. Hopefully this may make me poetry and little more mature? Thanks again. (:
 
 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Main Forums >> Teen Poetry #9 >> Kaleidoscope Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors