This has an awful lot to like (I prefer it to Senselessly Numb). You sure have a talent for pulling out wonderful images and wonderful titles - and this is indeed a kaleidoscope of pictures. There's hardly a line here that doesn't contain an idea that would make a whole poem in itself, in fact to be honest I've rarely seen a poem with so much wonderful raw material in it.
I've spent a good deal of the afternoon trying to figure out what weakens this poem and I'm still not entirely sure. Don't get me wrong, this is a very interesting piece of writing indeed, but in the world of contemporary poetry it might not find a very appreciative audience. Perhaps the meter is a bit too lumpy in places, but that's a minor issue. I think the main difficulty is the relentless focus on the self of the speaker. You have 24 lines of poetry here and in 18 of them you use either the word "I" or "my". The effect is to induce in your reader a kind of ego centred monotony. A string of great images is a weakened by the fact that they are all focussed on one subject: "I".
Now I've looked back at your poetry and as most young writers do you use a large proportion of your time writing in the first person. Let me make it quite clear immediately that there is nothing wrong with that at all - quite the reverse in fact because when you begin writing it is often easier to write powerfully about things you know about intimately.
Most of us start out though by writing what I might call "cliche filled diary entries", such as:
I suffer from a broken heart
and my soul is in torment
I gaze out at the stars
my tears falling onto
my burning cheeks
as the moon rises over my
beach an angel appears to me.
Your writing has progressed way beyond that stage and is filled with wonderful originality. Yet while the content of your poems is mostly wonderful you still retain vestiges of the form and rhythms of those diary entry days:
I did this
I did that
She saw me
I saw her
Her and me
By all means write about you and your experiences, but let's try to get specific now. Try to break away from a repetition of line after line of experiences enjoyed by, and actions performed by "I". Break up the experience with description or a storyline - make something up, lie! to tell the truth. Let the images do the talking. This poem which you may know by Elizabeth Bishop:
is an "I" poem. She describes what "I" did. But look how the focus is also on the fish. You feel the poet's emotion and feelings through the descriptions of the fish. This is a good trick. Take the focus directly off the "I" to show a story or picture of another object or animal or scene, and in the telling let your readers see indirectly what you the poet or your speaker is feeling.
Here again is Mary Oliver, telling about the "I" but focussing on the rich images of the woods and blackberries to do so:
See how the "I" retreats in the words to make way for the tastes and scents and feel of the woods and blackberries, yet nevertheless this is definitely a poem about the poet.
Hope this helps.