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 I'm ready to walk away
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Passions in Poetry

I'm ready to walk away

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freeand2sexy
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since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


0 posted 04-24-2009 10:00 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

I'm sick of the arrogance
In your snarling voice.
Oh, those boiling words you say,
It makes me feel like the sweat
In between your toes,
Like rain slipping into the gutters.
Oh, I'm ready to walk away.

You're my fading jacket,
Snagged on a tree.
I'm a fallen apple
Underneath,
Rotting, as you stand there,
Watching it shrink into nothing.
Oh, I'm ready to walk away.

I've had it
With your nights
Zipping up my days,
With your leaves
Attacking my rake,
With old snow deep in my throat
Not melting.
Oh, I've never been so ready,
To walk away.


"Do you smell it? That smell. A kind of smelly smell.
The smelly smell that smells... smelly." -Mr. Krabs

[This message has been edited by freeand2sexy (04-25-2009 11:42 AM).]

© Copyright 2009 Christine Juarez - All Rights Reserved
moonbeam
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since 12-24-2005
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1 posted 04-26-2009 04:06 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Those boiling words you say,
like sweat
between your toes,
or rain slipping into gutters.
Oh, I'm ready to walk away.

You're my faded jacket,
snagged on a tree.
(Insert something here)
Oh, I'm ready to walk away.

I've had it
with the way your nights
zip up my days,
with your leaves
snarled in my rake,
with old snow frozen
deep in my throat.
Oh, I've never been so ready,
to walk away.

Christine

I hope you don't mind, but I had a go at tightening this up, removing some of the filler words and the passages I didn't like as much, and eradicating some of the words ending in "-ing" which can start to sound a bit like a bell ringing if too many of them amass in a poem.  When you compose a FV piece try to think whether you really need words, whether they are, as Bob put it the other day, "pulling their weight".  Packing as much as you can into a small space can often give a poem terrific energy and vitality.  But you did the work here Christine and it was a very neat poem even before I messed around with it.  

Incidentally, Bob mentioned Roethke, a great poet, here are some of his you may like:

http://www.poemhunter.com/i/ebooks/pdf/theodore_roethke_2004_9.pdf

Rob
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