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Teen Poetry #9

I'm ready to walk away

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

0 posted 2009-04-24 10:00 PM

I'm sick of the arrogance
In your snarling voice.
Oh, those boiling words you say,
It makes me feel like the sweat
In between your toes,
Like rain slipping into the gutters.
Oh, I'm ready to walk away.

You're my fading jacket,
Snagged on a tree.
I'm a fallen apple
Underneath,
Rotting, as you stand there,
Watching it shrink into nothing.
Oh, I'm ready to walk away.

I've had it
With your nights
Zipping up my days,
With your leaves
Attacking my rake,
With old snow deep in my throat
Not melting.
Oh, I've never been so ready,
To walk away.

"Do you smell it? That smell. A kind of smelly smell.
The smelly smell that smells... smelly." -Mr. Krabs

[This message has been edited by freeand2sexy (04-25-2009 11:42 AM).]

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

1 posted 2009-04-26 04:06 AM

Those boiling words you say,
like sweat
between your toes,
or rain slipping into gutters.
Oh, I'm ready to walk away.

You're my faded jacket,
snagged on a tree.
(Insert something here)
Oh, I'm ready to walk away.

I've had it
with the way your nights
zip up my days,
with your leaves
snarled in my rake,
with old snow frozen
deep in my throat.
Oh, I've never been so ready,
to walk away.

Christine

I hope you don't mind, but I had a go at tightening this up, removing some of the filler words and the passages I didn't like as much, and eradicating some of the words ending in "-ing" which can start to sound a bit like a bell ringing if too many of them amass in a poem. When you compose a FV piece try to think whether you really need words, whether they are, as Bob put it the other day, "pulling their weight". Packing as much as you can into a small space can often give a poem terrific energy and vitality. But you did the work here Christine and it was a very neat poem even before I messed around with it.

Incidentally, Bob mentioned Roethke, a great poet, here are some of his you may like:

http://www.poemhunter.com/i/ebooks/pdf/theodore_roethke_2004_9.pdf

Rob

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