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Teen Poetry #9
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I Remember
| Teen Poetry #9 |
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I Remember |
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Octave Member
since 2008-07-29
Posts 186Highlands, Scotland. |
Had a bit of an experiment with description and rythm, just to see how it turned out. Hope this has a bit more fire than the last Moonbeam. I Remember I remember how you looked that day How you stood pinned by sunlight Your eyes were orbs of sequined blithe And the urge to flee I had to fight You head turned round in mechanic dance As a silent jewel slid down your face My fingers begged to catch its fall as You bowed your head with careful grace Your brow was creased with such distress As my body turned against its will Your breath folded with great defeat And my aching fear would not still The lustrous glow that you bathed in Was fading to a translucent bleak As tears begun to soak your bitter cry My lips parted yet I could not speak You body lies with a stillness sure As your breath has crept away Mouth is open with the parting words That I would never hear you say And the weight of life held in my hand It sunk my heart with its cruel time And I smiled with such uncertainty Knowing I had finally drawn the line And as the scarlet seep of finality Found its way to my stone cold gut [I had finally found my box of fear One I knew I should of shut] [Not sure about those 2 lines. Bit dodgy.] I remember how you looked that day How you stood pinned by sunlight Sometimes we must make a sacrifice Just to do what we think is right. |
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| © Copyright 2009 Octave - All Rights Reserved | |||
moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Well Octave I read as far as the second line and it's already better  "pinned by sunlight" - wayyy to go lovely image, I'm dead jealous Ok, I skimmed the rest and I'm really sorry but I'll have to get back to you tomorrow, maybe in the meantime somebody else can have a crack at commenting. M |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Octave This reads as a very gentle sad story of love lost. There are a few grammatical roughnesses, but generally it goes smoothly and beautifully with one or two moments where you excelled - "pinned by sunlight" is one. I said a while back that your writing shows flashes of inspiration, and there's no doubt that scanning back through your poems you come up with some pretty amazing images on occasions. However you are still experimenting with end rhyme for the most part, and I am not sure that you are comfortable with metre yet. Trying to use regular end rhyme without some form of dominant metrical pattern produces an uneasy marriage. How about trying a blank verse exercise like Christine and Michaela did a few weeks ago? Or alternatively abandoning end rhyme for the time being as an experiment, and just concentrating on producing some lovely internal sounds (internal rhyme and slant rhyme) together with some of the great images I know you are capable of. If any of this doesn't make sense, give me a shout. Rob |
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Octave Member
since 2008-07-29
Posts 186Highlands, Scotland. |
Thank you very much for your crit, it helps me so much knowing exactly what i can improve on and also how to improve. Im afraid to say, i have no experiance in metre whatsoever. Before i came to this forum i never knew that such a thing even existed in poetry terms. So any pointers or excersises on metre would be very much appriaciated. I don't want to sound completely clueless, but what is slant and internal rhyme? Sorry for all the questions. We don't do a great deal of poetry in school, and the stuff we do learn isnt really about writing it, it's more about studying it. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Sorry Octave, I've been a little busy in the last week or so. I missed these questions, and your other nice poems too. I'm going to try and catch up while it's raining! Check out Christine's long thread for a discussion of meter (got into the habit of using the US spelling of "meter"): /pip/Forum108/HTML/000178.html And this is a good link to aspects of sound and rhyme, hopefully it may help to answer your other questions: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/general/gl_sound.html Let me know if you don't follow any of it. Best. M |
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