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Passions in Poetry

Untitled [suggestions welcome]

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Octave
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since 07-29-2008
Posts 188
Highlands, Scotland.


0 posted 04-19-2009 08:05 AM       View Profile for Octave   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Octave

Ok, im having trouble finding a title for this poem. I like the titles of my poems to be a bit absract and not directly related to the poem, but cant find a good one for this poem. Suggestions are very welcome.

Untitled

~ Being human is the most terrible loneliness in the universe. ~ A.A. Attanasio

All we ask is to be left alone  
To be at rest just on our own
All we need is our solitude
Donít take this need as attitude

Let us sit inside our head
And watch our tears trickle red
As our cries fade into night
Feels so wrong yet also right

Heart is hung out on the line
We sit and watch the tick of time
Arms are wrapped around our souls
We nod and smile yet canít control

The deepest, darkest sense of need
Our silent, yearning, aching plead
The want for something we deject
This pain is what we should expect

We push the offer of help away
And bask in solitude day by day
Weíre swallowed into an endless pain
That consumes us and creates disdain

Just sitting in a darkened room
Our time to smile has died too soon
Our chance at happiness has now gone
With the loneliness that we put on

All we ask is to be left alone
To be at rest just on our own
We blame others for our desperation
When really we picked our isolation.

[This message has been edited by Octave (04-19-2009 11:28 AM).]

© Copyright 2009 Octave - All Rights Reserved
moonbeam
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1 posted 04-19-2009 08:11 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Octave

I'll try and get back on this later.  Meantime, if you use quotations, make sure you attribute   .

Best.

M
Octave
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since 07-29-2008
Posts 188
Highlands, Scotland.


2 posted 04-19-2009 11:27 AM       View Profile for Octave   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Octave

Thanks Moonbeam, i've added the author of the quote now. Looking forward to hearing your words of wisdom. (:
moonbeam
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3 posted 04-21-2009 05:24 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Not forgotten this either I'll try for tomorrow Octave.  Edinburgh was a traffic nightmare today, and only just got in.

Later.

M
moonbeam
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4 posted 04-22-2009 09:24 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Octave

The good thing about this is that you've obviously put a lot of thought into the subject.  Another good thing is that you chose to rhyme couplets, and you've managed it without any really glaring forced rhymes, which is a good achievement in itself (though did you mean "reject" rater than "deject" which makes little sense?).   So in summary it's clearly good writing in the sense of technique and message; certainly nothing to be ashamed of   .  

What it lacks imv is fire.  The fire of uniqueness specifically.  You chose to write about loneliness and the ambiguities of that very human condition, and you sure as heck did that.  You wrote about it very directly but in quite an abstract fashion.  There is no feeling in the poem that the speaker is in any way really involved or bothered about loneliness.  It reads like a competent statement of the situation of humanity vis a vis loneliness, but it doesn't inspire me to belief.  I'm a great believer in saying stuff like this in an indirect yet more personal way; a way that uses intimacy to inform universality - do you get what I mean by that?  

And this impacts on the title too.  Because the poem itself is so direct and impersonal it's pretty difficult to see any title except one such as "solitude" as anything other than a bit pretentious.  Far better imv to write a poem that's more personal and indirect and then a append a more direct title.  

Please don't misunderstand, this is very competent writing indeed, but like some other poets in this forum, you have the ability to move on.  I'm sure I asked you this before, but what contemporary poets are you reading right now?

M
Octave
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Posts 188
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5 posted 04-22-2009 11:51 AM       View Profile for Octave   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Octave

Thank you so much for the great detail you put into that reply. I completely understand where you are coming from. Lately my poetry has been lacking just that. I couldn't put my finger on why they weren't really very good, but you have made me see the light. Which is also why i was finding it hard to find a title. Though i can relate to this poem [which is why i wrote it of course] it doesn't really have a huge amount of emotion in it. Music is my main source of inspiration. If i'm listening to a song, and it brings up a very strong memory or emotion, I will write. I don't know where i've been going wrong lately. And im not sure how to bring my muse back?

I don't really read poetry [sorry!] and the only poetry i have read or studied has been in school. Do you have any recommedations of poets who have a vaugely similar structure/style to mine?

Thanks for your help, it is greatly apprciated.
moonbeam
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6 posted 04-22-2009 05:11 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Thanks for take my comments so kindly Octave .

Recommendations.  Yes, I am sure I can find something.  And Jennifer might have a few suggestions too.  Got to work tonight.  I'll see what I can find tomorrow.
JenniferMaxwell
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7 posted 04-22-2009 07:13 PM       View Profile for JenniferMaxwell   Email JenniferMaxwell   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for JenniferMaxwell

It's easy to see you put a lot of thought and work into this very well written poem, Octave!

Here's a site especially for high school age teens you might like to check out that features work by well known contemporary poets in a variety of styles.
www.loc.gov/poetry/180/p180-list.html
 
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