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Passions in Poetry

the souls beach (iambic meter)

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nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


0 posted 04-12-2009 06:14 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for nina1522

I stand atop the rock
as silhouettes descend
My mind floats on the sea
with calmness I pretend

I slip down through the waves
to coolness i succumb
I let, my worries leave
and only peace will come.

now darkness covers me
it brings tranquility
my doubts begin to drown
here is stability


relaxing with the lost
where sunshine does not reach
young hearts are dyeing fast
as my soul plies the beach  


Thanks turtle :]

[This message has been edited by nina1522 (04-12-2009 07:38 PM).]

© Copyright 2009 nina1522 - All Rights Reserved
Octave
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since 07-29-2008
Posts 188
Highlands, Scotland.


1 posted 04-13-2009 06:03 PM       View Profile for Octave   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Octave

This is lovely, got some nice imagery here, though the last line is a little off and interrupts the rymthm. Good stuff though.
nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


2 posted 04-13-2009 09:32 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

hm i actually thought of the last line a lot. i couldnt decide what word to use

how about

           as my soul walks the beach?
does that sound better?
Octave
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since 07-29-2008
Posts 188
Highlands, Scotland.


3 posted 04-14-2009 01:04 PM       View Profile for Octave   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Octave

Hmm, it's not so much the wording as the rymthm that irks me.

The first 2 stanzas are pretty much perfect. These 2 just seem a little off. I've bracketed words i think might make it flow a little smoother.

"now [the] darkness covers me
[and] it brings [such] tranquility
my doubts begin to drown
here is [my] stability

relaxing with the lost
where sunshine does not reach
young hearts [] dyeing fast
as my soul [seeks] the beach

Or instead of 'seeks' you can use the original word 'plies'.

Hope you dont think im altering it too much, it just helps to reread the poem and add/take away words to make it flow a little smoother. The poem is great, and i love the idea.
nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


4 posted 04-14-2009 02:44 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

thank you. i wrote it in iambic meter so im pretty constricted in my words chose. and i dont mind the altering at all. i want to know how to get better and that helps me see what i can do differently to improve. THANKS
freeand2sexy
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since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


5 posted 04-14-2009 03:15 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

I don't have the time to really give you critiques, sry, but there is one thing i have to say about this poem,

Get rid of the words "heart" and "soul"

They're overused!!!

Don't use those words; you're poetry will be better off without them

"I can't see my forehead!" -Patrick

nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


6 posted 04-14-2009 04:02 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

i only used them once.
freeand2sexy
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since 09-12-2008
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7 posted 04-14-2009 04:17 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

I don't mean that you over use them, I mean that generally they are overused in poetry. If you take a glance at many poems here in the teen forum, you'll see those words a lot.

"I can't see my forehead!" -Patrick

moonbeam
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8 posted 04-15-2009 07:09 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Hi Nina, and hi Christine (hope you've recovered from my rigorous critique the other day, please let me know if I say anything that you find annoying or unhelpful, I'm here to help not irritate   )

Nina sorry to butt in here but I think Christine is pointing out that it can be quite hazardous to use words like heart and soul.  It's not that they are always "wrong", it's just that they have been used so so many times in poetry that experienced readers of poetry find it hard to associate them with new ideas.  And using them too much can make it look like you, the poet, have run out of new ideas too!

Here's quite a good link that tries to explain part of the problem:

http://members.tripod.com/~sundance_market/cliches.html

Generally though I enjoyed your poem   , but check the spelling of "dyeing".

All the best.

M
freeand2sexy
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since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


9 posted 04-15-2009 11:58 AM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Moonbeam,

I'm still recovering, I got hit in the head with 2 stones you know. I'm also still trying to process what I learned from you and Bob, so that I'll remember everything and so it won't go to waste.

Your always helpful!

Nina,

In my rush, since I was super busy the last couple of days, I forgot to mention that i really like this, love the beach metaphor. Keep writing!!! And I know you're busy too but don't forget about our lil group, we need to get it off the ground a bit, it's totally drowning.

"I can't see my forehead!" -Patrick
nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


10 posted 04-15-2009 01:58 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

thank you.. and i just sent you an email.
and honestly i didnt it mean to be a metaphor. i just wrote it about a day at the beach until the last stanza haha
punkrockerrobin
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since 05-15-2001
Posts 2253
Sparks, NV


11 posted 04-19-2009 05:48 AM       View Profile for punkrockerrobin   Email punkrockerrobin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit punkrockerrobin's Home Page   View IP for punkrockerrobin

REALLY PRETTY POEM I ENJOYED IT

I'm lost and going nowhere i need help to find my way

GothicCherry
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since 09-16-2008
Posts 471
TN


12 posted 04-20-2009 08:52 AM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

Christine,

I set up a gmail thingy-ma-bobber. I think I failed to inform you of it. I will send you an e-mail as soon as I possibly can.

Nina,

This poem is much better without using heart and soul...I'm glad Christine and Rob pointed that out. I'd feel like a hypocrite considering I just burnt many of my old "poems" (more like words poorly jumbled together) because I'd used those words within them lol Best of wishes
freeand2sexy
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since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


13 posted 04-20-2009 01:20 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Okie dokie, Michaela, all I need is your email address and I can add you straight into the group without having to send you an invite.

Nina, I've noticed that you haven't accepted your invite yet, but your busy so hopefully you will find time to do so.

"Do you smell it? That smell. A kind of smelly smell.
The smelly smell that smells... smelly." -Mr. Krabs

nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


14 posted 04-21-2009 05:26 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

invitation? hm i havnt gotten one. or i might of accidentlly over looked it. sorry
 
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