I've read this many, many times, and I have to say, I love it. There is a lot of emotion and I can see it, and feel it. I think this poem is good, but I also think it can be better.
Let me first say that I don't think the ending is sloppier than the first version, because it's exactly the same, you didn't change anything in the last stanza.
As I read this over and over, I started thinking "Who is this person? Why is he (I'm assuming itís a he; you can correct me later.) so special, that you are going to remember him, and who you want to remember you?" The only thing I really know about him is that he has brown eyes, but that's it. Maybe you can add a little about who he is, you don't necessarily have to describe how he looks, but as a reader I'm kind of curious as to what kind of person he is. What is he to you and why is he so special? Using imagery might help, too.
I really love how you changed the first stanza. The one thing I can't get over, though, is the "aren't" in the last line. I don't think it helps the flow of the poem and to me it didn't seem natural as I read it; I seem to always get stuck there a bit. I think it would be better like this,
"Knowing that you're not coming back."
As I've already stated, I've read this many times, and I love it. Everything that I just wrote is my opinion and I'm sure there are others that will disagree, so take from it what you want.
I really look forward to reading more of your poems.
"I can't see my forehead!" -Patrick