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 Redo of Don't Forget to Remember Me
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Passions in Poetry

Redo of Don't Forget to Remember Me

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Kalysta
Junior Member
since 04-02-2009
Posts 41
Ohio


0 posted 04-06-2009 02:26 PM       View Profile for Kalysta   Email Kalysta   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kalysta

Donít Forget to Remember Me

You take a deep breath and turn to leave.
A tear forms and falls down my cheek.
You see it and wipe it off with your sleeve.
I smile weakly and kiss you gently,
Knowing that you arenít coming back.

I close my eyes and choke back a sob,
The tears streaming out of my eyes.
Iím trying to burn a picture of you in my head.
You look at me with those brown eyes.
All-full of shame.
I try not to look into them, but they call me to you.
I donít want you to go but you say you have to.
I say you donít.

It seems impossible that a week ago we were just fine.
You were loving and affectionate as always.
And I was my sweet shy self.
Now everything is a mess and you are leaving.

You say itís for the best.
I say itís for the worst.
We are two halves of a whole us.
Without you Iím a whole broken me.
I just pray that you donít forget to remember me.

~Kalysta~

~Kalysta~

© Copyright 2009 Kalysta Kay Kimmel - All Rights Reserved
XxForever.BrokenxX
Senior Member
since 01-20-2008
Posts 887
Neverland


1 posted 04-07-2009 09:18 PM       View Profile for XxForever.BrokenxX   Email XxForever.BrokenxX   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for XxForever.BrokenxX

This is good, but i think i like the first one a bit better.
Tho i liked how you changed it up at the beginning, the ending seems sloppier than it did on the first version.
But I still like it all the same.

Good write,

{~~*~~}

Emmalee Janelle
   {~~*~~}

freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


2 posted 04-07-2009 11:48 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

I've read this many, many times, and I have to say, I love it. There is a lot of emotion and I can see it, and feel it. I think this poem is good, but I also think it can be better.

Let me first say that I don't think the ending is sloppier than the first version, because it's exactly the same, you didn't change anything in the last stanza.

As I read this over and over, I started thinking "Who is this person?  Why is he (I'm assuming itís a he; you can correct me later.) so special, that you are going to remember him, and who you want to remember you?"  The only thing I really know about him is that he has brown eyes, but that's it. Maybe you can add a little about who he is, you don't necessarily have to describe how he looks, but as a reader I'm kind of curious as to what kind of person he is. What is he to you and why is he so special? Using imagery might help, too.

I really love how you changed the first stanza. The one thing I can't get over, though, is the "aren't" in the last line.  I don't think it helps the flow of the poem and to me it didn't seem natural as I read it; I seem to always get stuck there a bit. I think it would be better like this,

"Knowing that you're not coming back."

As I've already stated, I've read this many times, and I love it. Everything that I just wrote is my opinion and I'm sure there are others that will disagree, so take from it what you want.

I really look forward to reading more of your poems.


"I can't see my forehead!" -Patrick
moonbeam
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since 12-24-2005
Posts 2038


3 posted 04-08-2009 08:10 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

A lot of useful and well thought out comments there from Christine Kalysta, and I agree with her.

M
Kalysta
Junior Member
since 04-02-2009
Posts 41
Ohio


4 posted 04-08-2009 05:18 PM       View Profile for Kalysta   Email Kalysta   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kalysta

I really am greatful to the critiques that im getting. And to be honest i know this one could be better, but the truth is that i revised this in my honors biology class when we were supposed to be working on a project that i really did not want to do. And i was kind of in a hurry to do it. lol! So i know it needs to have a bit more work and be developed some more...well alot. I'll make plans to fix it up some more soon. Again thanks so much for the advice. It is much needed.
  Thanks,
         ~Kalysta~

~Kalysta~

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