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 Don't Forget to Remember Me
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Passions in Poetry

Don't Forget to Remember Me

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Kalysta
Junior Member
since 04-02-2009
[First Post] 41
Ohio


0 posted 04-02-2009 09:55 PM       View Profile for Kalysta   Email Kalysta   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kalysta


Donít Forget to Remember Me

You take a deep breath and turn to leave.
A tear forms and falls down my cheek.
You see it and wipe it off with your cuff.

I choke back a sob and close my eyes,
Trying to burn a picture of you in my head.
You look at me with those big brown eyes all-full of shame.
I try not to look into them, but they call me to you.
I donít want you to go but you say you have to.
I say you donít.

It seems impossible that a week ago we were totally happy.
You were loving and affectionate as always.
And I was my sweet shy self.
Now everything is a mess and you are leaving.

You say itís for the best.
I say itís for the worst.
We are two halves of a whole us.
Without you Iím a whole broken me.
I just pray that you donít forget to remember me.

~Kalysta~


© Copyright 2009 Kalysta Kay Kimmel - All Rights Reserved
XxForever.BrokenxX
Senior Member
since 01-20-2008
Posts 887
Neverland


1 posted 04-02-2009 10:00 PM       View Profile for XxForever.BrokenxX   Email XxForever.BrokenxX   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for XxForever.BrokenxX



I love the last line,
it reminds me of something i'd say.

Welcome to pip.

{~~*~~}

Emmalee Janelle
   {~~*~~}

Kalysta
Junior Member
since 04-02-2009
Posts 41
Ohio


2 posted 04-02-2009 10:16 PM       View Profile for Kalysta   Email Kalysta   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kalysta

Hey thanks!!! I'm glad you liked the last line. I thought it gave it some umph. lol
~Kalysta~
freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


3 posted 04-02-2009 11:02 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Welcome to pip!!!

I like how you have some alliteration and also how it ends. I think you should take out the "totally" in the 3rd stanza, tho, it doesn't seem to fit, well that's just my opinion.

"I can't see my forehead!" -Patrick

poetman
Junior Member
since 03-30-2009
Posts 10


4 posted 04-03-2009 03:14 AM       View Profile for poetman   Email poetman   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for poetman

Hey enjoyed your poem a lot

I'm looking forward to more of your work

Poetman
Falling rain
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 01-31-2008
Posts 2165
Small town, Illinois


5 posted 04-03-2009 12:46 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain


"You look at me with those big brown eyes all-full of shame."

I really liked that line. But the part were it goes, "brown eyes all-full of shame." Personally I think it would sound better if it was.. "brown eyes; All-full of shame."

I don't know why but I like it better that way but over all I really liked this. Keep up the writing!!   

-Zach

When I see your smile, and I know itís not for me, thatís when Iíll miss you.

freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


6 posted 04-03-2009 02:57 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

I kinda agree with you Zach, I think it would sound better with a slight pause after eyes, but I don't think a semicolon would work, there should just be a simple comma. That's just my opinion, though.

"I can't see my forehead!" -Patrick

Ringo
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Member Elite
since 02-20-2003
Posts 3696
Saluting with misty eyes


7 posted 04-03-2009 03:37 PM       View Profile for Ringo   Email Ringo   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Ringo

WELCOME TO PASSIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is really good, and I sincerely look forward to reading more of your thoughts.

Please chek your e-mail for a special greeting!!

But this one goes to eleven...
http://www.hubpages.com/profile/RingoShort

Kalysta
Junior Member
since 04-02-2009
Posts 41
Ohio


8 posted 04-04-2009 01:59 PM       View Profile for Kalysta   Email Kalysta   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kalysta

thanks for the constructive critisim!!! im actually working on rewriting this poem, i didnt really like it.

~Kalysta~

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


9 posted 04-04-2009 02:52 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

A melancholy poem to be sure...but Welcome
to Passions! I will look forward to reading
more of your work.
GothicCherry
Member
since 09-16-2008
Posts 471
TN


10 posted 04-06-2009 08:18 AM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

Welcome to PiP
KeyLimeSorbet
Member
since 03-05-2008
Posts 74
Colorado


11 posted 05-06-2009 04:24 PM       View Profile for KeyLimeSorbet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for KeyLimeSorbet

Welcome to pip, i look forward to reading more of your work.
Kalysta will be notified of replies
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