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 Small Town Dreams Come Crashing Fast
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Passions in Poetry

Small Town Dreams Come Crashing Fast (Revised)

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Falling rain
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since 01-31-2008
Posts 2165
Small town, Illinois


0 posted 03-30-2009 01:13 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

I need to give this an ending stanza. I redid it like Alison suggested. I think its better then the original..  
Take me back to a time
Where ignorance means bliss
To a place I remember well
Our lips embraced in a kiss

Remember the summer breeze
As it blew across our starry skies?
Us dreaming of what's to come
Surrounded by glowing fireflies

Strolling down dirt roads
My hand in yours; Your heart in mine
Days filled with happiness
Unknown to whats down the line

Sharing eager smiles to escape free
Pick up and just get out of town
One day we'd be together; forever
As you dance across isles in white gowns

Days to count down
Confidence on your face
A ring weighs down your hand
Eyes and honesty somewhere misplaced

Patience wearing thin as I stand here
At the alter I waited for you to show
You left me standing here
Wondering, hoping, pleading to know..

[This message has been edited by Falling rain (03-30-2009 04:54 PM).]

© Copyright 2009 Zach Booker-Scott - All Rights Reserved
freeand2sexy
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1 posted 03-30-2009 02:01 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Wow, this is better than your first one, good job revising it!

"I can't see my forehead!" -Patrick

Falling rain
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2 posted 04-05-2009 10:55 AM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

Thanks Christine! I really liked this better then the original. But I think the ending stanza felt like I didn't finish. "Wondering, pleading to know.." Sounds like I just didn't finish it. What do you think?

-Zach  

We all flirt with the tiniest notion of self-conclusion in one simple motion.  

freeand2sexy
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since 09-12-2008
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3 posted 04-05-2009 03:19 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

I understand what you mean Zach, I think maybe you should end it with a single line, a question, something to leave the readers thinking, you know what I mean? something simple like, "How is this happening?", or "Are you really doing this to me?" Idk, put whatever you want, if you like the idea.

"I can't see my forehead!" -Patrick

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