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Passions in Poetry

Adam (monoluge... please read)

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nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
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0 posted 03-20-2009 07:03 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for nina1522

im not sure if you can do this but here is a monougue i made for my english class. Hope you like it, but please tell me if you dont. i need to hand this in as a grade so i would love any critiscm. :]
Character:
   Adam seventeen years old

Scene: bedroom.

         ah damn, another party, another image I must portray. Two and a half hours I must wear my newest mask, never letting it slip. Never letting the elite see my true form. Never letting them see the secret shattered life I've been forced into living. I must juggle my identity to fit their liking. They're all the same, all wearing identical custom made masks and painted smiles. All fighting for the same power, the same money. With  false intentions they'll ask about my father, "Hows the business, how is he doing?". Little do they know my father is a masked stranger, a mere shadow lingering in the backround.
            For a hundred and fifty minutes my mother will rag on about my success in school, how popular I am. Yeah right, the only friend I have is my good old pill bottle. She allows me to walk freely where I often can't, never letting me down. (walks over to mirror, buttons up his blue collared shirt, his arms hang loose, shielding the scars he has made.) "Be a gentleman", is what my mother will say. As if she has the slightest idea about being a lady.On the outside she's well mannered,a perfect mother. Hell no! ( Picks up his untouched jeans from the chair. He flips pants from side to side, examining them.  He slips them on, zips the fly and fastens the button. Deep in thought he mechanically puts on his shiny, polished shoes.)
          Mother, a true high society queen. She prances on the platformed stage like a well trained ballerina . (She's) graceful, never showing stress, only revealing her beauty. Unfortunately all dances must end. The inevitable last chord is played when she enters our house. The  beauty is erased, leaving only a bitter shell, I call mother.  She lurks our halls like an unhealed scar. Always there, painful, dirty, distressing, never letting a moment slip unnoticed. Uncurable. Infecting my childhood memories with undeniable anguish.( He walks to the mirror, takes a final look.) The perfect costume for a perfect image.( He picks up his watch from the desk, sits on the bed. Latches the watch's band around his wrist and checks the time.)

[This message has been edited by nina1522 (03-22-2009 09:15 PM).]

© Copyright 2009 nina1522 - All Rights Reserved
JenniferMaxwell
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1 posted 03-22-2009 11:44 AM       View Profile for JenniferMaxwell   Email JenniferMaxwell   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for JenniferMaxwell

Hi Nina - This is really interesting and you've done a great job with it! YOu've got some really fantastic lines and images. My only suggestion is maybe make the voice reflect the language of today's typical 17 year old. Take for instance the opening line, does it sound like the way you talk with your friends? If it's a period piece, then the language might work.

A little pressed for time right now, but I'll be back, if that's ok with you.
nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


2 posted 03-22-2009 08:41 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

ok.. ill be here :]
JenniferMaxwell
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3 posted 03-22-2009 10:26 PM       View Profile for JenniferMaxwell   Email JenniferMaxwell   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for JenniferMaxwell

Hi nina,

Been thinking about your monologue a little more. Might be a good idea to lose the four letter word in the first line so not to offend the grannies. Anyway, thatís much closer to what I was thinking, more like the way a 17 year old guy might talk.

Just an off the top of my head example to sort of show what I was thinking:
Iíve had it with Mom and her parties! Iím sick of being paraded around pretending to be something Iím not just to impress her stupid friends.

Another way of thinking about it might be, picture how youíd react, what youíd say to your friends and how youíd say it if you were in a situation like Adam is.

"She lurks our halls like an unhealed scar" - great image!

Anyway, just my thoughts, itís your work so you write it your way and I'm sure it will be just great!
nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


4 posted 03-22-2009 10:35 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

thank you. i think i may keep some of the more mature langage because that is how i see the character. But i will add some more age sitable lines in there like you suggested. Thank you :]
 
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