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 untitled attemptive rhyme
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Passions in Poetry

untitled attemptive rhyme

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nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


0 posted 03-15-2009 09:17 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for nina1522

it is not finished but im stuck. (found my password)


Dear Sir Leo, my night hero
my admiration with chestnut eyes.
If triumph be in kingly battle
with you is where my heart will lie.

My swirling hair, all fancy curls
in rivulets of brown and black.
For Iím a quintessential fair princess
who yearns for her kingdom back.

Do you recall our timeless love?
Thy were my esoteric friend.
If not, thy love is fading
Once more we must meet before I see my end.

For the king hath taken me prisoner
forcing me atop the stairs made of stones.
Confining me in shadowy darkness
with intentions of stealing my future throne.

shadows enclose around me
preparing for the action.
Something greater is occurring
they are just mere distraction.

My bones are weak
My head is tired
I need your help
your the one I've admired.

Distorted thoughts overflow my head
to this despair Iím forced to succumb
my strength is dwindling to its end
here I lie waiting for you to come.
Thanks turtle :]

[This message has been edited by nina1522 (03-17-2009 01:37 PM).]

© Copyright 2009 nina1522 - All Rights Reserved
GothicCherry
Member
since 09-16-2008
Posts 471
TN


1 posted 03-15-2009 09:22 PM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

Hello! Hello! I really really like this!!!

Is this what Turtle had you working on in CA??


"library"
nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


2 posted 03-15-2009 09:29 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

yep this is it. thank you gothic cherry. uh if you dont mind me asking whats "library".. any title suggestions? haha
freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


3 posted 03-15-2009 09:43 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

I think this is incredible; I love how you wrote with amazing descriptions.

"My swirling hair, all fancy curls
in rivulets of brown and black."

I wanted to reply with a "balance" of positive and negative like we chatted about earlier, but I can't see anything negative about this, but if I spot something later, I'll let you know.

Oh, and I'm not good with titles but you could simply title it "Dear Sir Leo", Idk, I can't think of anything else.


No, I'm not conceited, 2sexy doesn't mean "too sexy", it means something else!
nina1522
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since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


4 posted 03-15-2009 09:44 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

haha ok freeand2sexy. thanks :]
GothicCherry
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since 09-16-2008
Posts 471
TN


5 posted 03-16-2009 08:19 AM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

Library means that I saved this to my library on my PiP account to read later.

I'm not good at titles either. Lol....
Grinch
Member Elite
since 12-31-2005
Posts 2710
Whoville


6 posted 03-16-2009 08:59 AM       View Profile for Grinch   Email Grinch   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Grinch


quote:
it is not finished but im stuck.


What are you stuck on?

.
nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


7 posted 03-16-2009 06:31 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

im not sure if it should continue or end there. i was thinking of adding a few stanzas towards the end and middle
Grinch
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since 12-31-2005
Posts 2710
Whoville


8 posted 03-16-2009 07:01 PM       View Profile for Grinch   Email Grinch   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Grinch

I think you should edit or re-write what youíve got.

Concentrate on quality not quantity, if youíre going to tell a story you need a start middle and end but most importantly you need a point.


  

[This message has been edited by Grinch (03-16-2009 08:15 PM).]

nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


9 posted 03-16-2009 07:25 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

holy crap i love this!! but i wanted the girl to be young but i absoutely love it. so what do you think i should re-write? the whole thing? (i really dont mind i will, haha). what points do you think needs the most editing? and i totally get the re-write. it helps to see the fixes.
Grinch
Member Elite
since 12-31-2005
Posts 2710
Whoville


10 posted 03-16-2009 08:15 PM       View Profile for Grinch   Email Grinch   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Grinch


Iíd put it to one side and revisit it in a couple of months.

Or.

Iíd do what I did, instead of trying to tell a big story I went for a cameo of a big story starting with an idea of where I wanted to get to.

Give it a go yourself - Iíve deleted my attempt - try to re-write it.

pen&paper
Senior Member
since 06-06-2006
Posts 519


11 posted 03-16-2009 08:22 PM       View Profile for pen&paper   Email pen&paper   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for pen&paper

This was by far your best yet: I would simply add or take out a few words here and there for rythym's sake. An example:

"Dear Sir Leo, my night hero
my admiration with chestnut eyes.
If triumph be in kingly battle
with you is where my heart will lie.

My swirling hair, all fancy curls
in rivulets of brown and black.
For Iím a quintessential fair princess
who yearns for her kingdom back.

Do you recall our timeless love?
Thou wast my esoteric friend.
If thy love be not fading
Once more we must meet before I see my end.

For the king hath taken me prisoner
forcing me atop stairs made of stones.
Confining me in shadowy darkness
with intentions of stealing my future throne.

shadows are enclosing
preparing for the action.
Something greater is occurring
these are just mere distraction.

My bones are weak
My head is tired
I need your help
your the one I've admired.

Distorted thoughts overflow my head
to this despair Iím forced to succumb
my strength is dwindling to its end
While here I lie waiting for you to come."


Going in my library. Cierra
Falling rain
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Member Elite
since 01-31-2008
Posts 2165
Small town, Illinois


12 posted 03-16-2009 09:12 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

Wow I really really like this. I love a good fairytale. "Library"

-Zach

When I see your smile, and I know itís not for me, thatís when Iíll miss you.

nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


13 posted 03-16-2009 09:54 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

o god no please dont delete that. it was very nice. but here is my try.

Do you recall our timeless love?
Thou was my teen age admiration.
with you near my cheeks turned scarlet
always teasing me with secretive flirtation

Our days grew shorter as time passed.
years moved on leaving our love behind
i have not forgoton of our beginning days
you and my heart shall always be entertwined

sucky i know. but ill work on it and post additional ones tomorrow. thank you
for helping me :]

[This message has been edited by nina1522 (03-17-2009 12:37 PM).]

nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


14 posted 03-17-2009 05:44 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

hey couldnt really think more for those stanzas.

[This message has been edited by nina1522 (03-17-2009 07:30 PM).]

Grinch
Member Elite
since 12-31-2005
Posts 2710
Whoville


15 posted 03-17-2009 07:59 PM       View Profile for Grinch   Email Grinch   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Grinch


Can you hum?

Of course you can, everyone can hum, try humming the words in the first line of your new poem:

Do you recall our timeless love?

Hum hum hum hum hum hum hum hum

8 hums

Thatís eight syllables.

Now try my variation of one of your verses:

My swirling hair, all fancy curls
in rivulets of brown and black.
a quintessential fair princess
who yearns to earn her kingdom back.

8 hums in each line - I make that four eight syllable lines.

Why is the number of syllables important?

It creates the rhythm or tune of the poem making it flow a lot better and also making it easier and more pleasing to read. Itís also the first step towards writing metrical poetry - yes, thatís right, that darn meter everyone keeps waffling on about.

Humming can also help if you are having a problem learning meter. Just mark down the short and long hums - the short ones are unstressed and the long ones are stressed.

Or alternatively you can do what I do - ignore the meter and just get the tune sounding about right.

Hope that helped

nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


16 posted 03-17-2009 08:02 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

haha yeah. turtle is teaching me meter. so i understand (not really) that the syabelles should match
Grinch
Member Elite
since 12-31-2005
Posts 2710
Whoville


17 posted 03-17-2009 08:13 PM       View Profile for Grinch   Email Grinch   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Grinch


quote:
so i understand (not really) that the syabelles should match


Iíll let you into a little secret, they donít need to match to write good poems.

Learning meter is useful but not essential when it comes to writing poetry, in fact I can make a pretty good argument that itís not even useful and possibly decidedly harmful.

There are lots of forms of poetry that donít use standard metrical measure and even those that do can be written without learning what a spondee or an iamb is.

All you need to do is hum. If the tune sounds right it probably is right.

nina1522
Member
since 02-14-2009
Posts 189


18 posted 03-19-2009 06:18 PM       View Profile for nina1522   Email nina1522   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nina1522

Thank you moonbeam
 
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