How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Main Forums
 Teen Poetry #9
 spill
 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
Follow us on Facebook

 Moderated by: Acies, Dopey Dope, SEA   (Admins )

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

spill

 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
isabella223
Junior Member
since 03-14-2009
[First Post] 15


0 posted 03-14-2009 02:54 PM       View Profile for isabella223   Email isabella223   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for isabella223

(my previous pip name was nina1522. i lost my password so this is my new name)


this smile is foriegn
the muscles begin to split
my lips begin to crack
the blood starts to drip

this laugh is uncommon
it burns in my chest
my lungs begin to crack
the blood starts to infest

this place is distressing
how i got here i dont recall
my mask begins to crack
and the blood starts to fall

[This message has been edited by isabella223 (03-15-2009 06:30 PM).]

© Copyright 2009 isabella223 - All Rights Reserved
SEA
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 Tours
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 01-18-2000
Posts 24152
with you


1 posted 03-14-2009 03:30 PM       View Profile for SEA   Email SEA   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SEA

welcome to pip.

You are asking for help, honey, what is wrong and what kind of help do you need? Please email me.

It's the envelope to the right of my name, click it and email me. I don't know if that was just part of the poem or if you really need help but if you do, just email me.



isabella223
Junior Member
since 03-14-2009
Posts 15


2 posted 03-14-2009 03:33 PM       View Profile for isabella223   Email isabella223   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for isabella223

i need help revising the poem. i know it is weak and i would like to make it stronger
SEA
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 Tours
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 01-18-2000
Posts 24152
with you


3 posted 03-14-2009 04:33 PM       View Profile for SEA   Email SEA   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SEA

good grief you scared me!

ok you know what? I thought the poem was really good. I don't think I would change much if I were you
isabella223
Junior Member
since 03-14-2009
Posts 15


4 posted 03-14-2009 04:39 PM       View Profile for isabella223   Email isabella223   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for isabella223

haha my bad.sorry about that. how would you change it? just out of curiosity
(my previous pip name was nina1522, i lost the sheet of paper that had my password in it. so if you see that name its me and it means i found my password. just a heads up. hhaha)
SEA
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 Tours
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 01-18-2000
Posts 24152
with you


5 posted 03-14-2009 07:26 PM       View Profile for SEA   Email SEA   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SEA

honestly the only thing I could point out that felt kinda too simple was the last rhyme of all and fall. I just thought with the emotions this one has, the dispair doesn't really show in that last bit. But that is if I have to REALLY say something.
Clockwork_Orange
Senior Member
since 03-23-2007
Posts 623
Space Camp, IN


6 posted 03-14-2009 07:34 PM       View Profile for Clockwork_Orange   Email Clockwork_Orange   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Clockwork_Orange's Home Page   View IP for Clockwork_Orange

woo hoo deee dee doo. this is great just like you...poo

~ you cant run from yourself ~

isabella223
Junior Member
since 03-14-2009
Posts 15


7 posted 03-14-2009 07:37 PM       View Profile for isabella223   Email isabella223   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for isabella223

thank you Sea i agree with you. i will try to revise that stanza.

[This message has been edited by isabella223 (03-14-2009 08:17 PM).]

SEA
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 Tours
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 01-18-2000
Posts 24152
with you


8 posted 03-14-2009 08:42 PM       View Profile for SEA   Email SEA   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SEA

ok better

I understand how this feels..
isabella223
Junior Member
since 03-14-2009
Posts 15


9 posted 03-14-2009 11:05 PM       View Profile for isabella223   Email isabella223   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for isabella223

thank you sea.
GothicCherry
Member
since 09-16-2008
Posts 471
TN


10 posted 03-15-2009 05:56 PM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

Good poem...

It does sort of seem like a cry for help...
isabella223
Junior Member
since 03-14-2009
Posts 15


11 posted 03-15-2009 06:29 PM       View Profile for isabella223   Email isabella223   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for isabella223

its not. i just wrote it when i was upset. you know when you get in a really bad mood.
freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


12 posted 03-15-2009 06:54 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

it didn't seem like a cry for help to me.

Good write!!!

No, I'm not conceited, 2sexy doesn't mean "too sexy", it means something else!

 
 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Main Forums >> Teen Poetry #9 >> spill Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors