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Untitled

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GothicCherry
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since 09-16-2008
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TN


0 posted 03-11-2009 01:11 PM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for GothicCherry


I know this sucks and things like it have probably been written over and over. I'm just upset and can't seem to do anything except write dumb and dull rhymes.

Eggs all hatch, or at least remaining ones.
Others lay cracked, killed by rivalries sons.
Birds perched on shells weep their songs,
raising their beaks to cry lamenting wrongs.
The songs, they are sang by each competitor,
yet, they will be sang again, after next winter.  
© Copyright 2009 Michaela J. McHone - All Rights Reserved
Falling rain
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since 01-31-2008
Posts 2165
Small town, Illinois


1 posted 03-11-2009 05:15 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

I really like this poem. Like so much that I'm putting it in my library.

"Birds perched on shells weep their songs"

My favorite line. Keep up the writing hon.

-Zach

When I see your smile, and I know itís not for me, thatís when Iíll miss you.

gdcod2player
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since 07-26-2008
Posts 116


2 posted 03-11-2009 07:54 PM       View Profile for gdcod2player   Email gdcod2player   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for gdcod2player

i really like this
sucks?!?!?! ha
that was awesome
GothicCherry
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since 09-16-2008
Posts 471
TN


3 posted 03-12-2009 09:05 AM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

Ugh, it does suck. It doesn't flow well at all and the rhyme is totally forced. I can't even believe I wrote this. Shows what depression does to me I guess.
moonbeam
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4 posted 03-12-2009 05:15 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Lol   It's not your best effort!  However the thought encapsulated in the close (the last line) isn't bad at all, and might form the basis of a better poem.

GothicCherry
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since 09-16-2008
Posts 471
TN


5 posted 03-12-2009 06:02 PM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

Hmmmm, maybe. Although, I would have no idea how to make a better one out of this rubbish.
Grinch
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since 12-31-2005
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Whoville


6 posted 03-12-2009 06:06 PM       View Profile for Grinch   Email Grinch   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Grinch


I liked something about this.

I know that because Iíve just spent the best part of an hour trying to re-write it without mentioning the bird or the egg directly. Iím unlikely to succeed of course, but I think you just might if you tried and if you did I think youíd really have something to sing about.

Moon might explain what Iím waffling on about if you ask him.

.
moonbeam
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7 posted 03-12-2009 06:39 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

I think Grinch means that what you had to say was good.  You just have to find a way to say it without saying it.

And I'm knackered so you'll have to wait for him to come back and help you.  He's the master at that sort of thing, and I'm going to bed.

 
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