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Passions in Poetry

Go! Fast!

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GothicCherry
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since 09-16-2008
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TN


0 posted 03-11-2009 12:45 PM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for GothicCherry


Ok, all of the poems I write at this moment are not good poetry, but I was desperate to get some feelings out of me so that I donít have to think of them anymore.

Ready, set, now go!
Laps, they spiral. Fast.
Twisting. Fast, I know.
Sweat, it drops. Iím passed.

Speed, essential, run!
Bar, avoid it. Fast.
Puddle, spin it. Spun.
Trip, I fall. Iím passed.

Thirst, deny it, go!
Turns away, no. Fast.
Pivots. Fast, I know.
Faints, too late. Iím last.




© Copyright 2009 Michaela J. McHone - All Rights Reserved
freeand2sexy
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since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


1 posted 03-11-2009 12:54 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Not your best but I really like this. This  is Good, really.

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

moonbeam
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2 posted 03-11-2009 12:57 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Unusual. Entertaining.  Paced to fit the theme.  Punctuated to make the pace.  Works well read out loud.  Packed full of energetic verbs and one word images. Gets the adrenalin going just by reading it.  Clever little twist at the end.

You are starting to think outside the boringly predictable box of hearts, stars, souls, pain, tears, roses etc etc.

Michaela this is up there with the best  poems of this type I've read anywhere.  

I enjoyed it very much, well done indeed, and thanks for posting it.

(Oops - cross posted with you Christine.  Has she written better?! )
GothicCherry
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since 09-16-2008
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TN


3 posted 03-11-2009 01:03 PM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

Ha! Well, I'm glad you liked it Moonbeam. You would never guess in a million years what it was really written about though. Lol...

Falling rain
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4 posted 03-11-2009 04:29 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

I think I have a vague idea of what this poem really means. Its a nice write. But poems like this, the ones short and burst out words, are just not my cup of tea. But its still good!

-Zach

When I see your smile, and I know itís not for me, thatís when Iíll miss you.

moonbeam
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5 posted 03-11-2009 04:53 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Don't be ridiculous of course I know Michaela.  It's the dream you had last night where you come last in the final of the 3000 meter steeplechase at the London Olympics in 2012 with your boyfriend in the crowd who was going to propose to you that evening over a glass of Merlot in the Savoy Grill, but who, when you fail so badly, slips the ring back into the box and catches the next plane out of Heathrow on his way back to the States to marry instead your best friend Tracy with the perfect teeth and henna tinted hair.

Tell me I'm right
Falling rain
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6 posted 03-11-2009 05:06 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

lol. uhhh... I don't think you got it quite right Moon. But your close.

Think more metaphorically.


-Zach

When I see your smile, and I know itís not for me, thatís when Iíll miss you.

turtle
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since 01-23-2009
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Harbor


7 posted 03-11-2009 05:23 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi Cherry,

I agree with Free and moon. I think this is very good no matter what it's really about.

I swear, you kids could come down to CA and teach us all a few things....Including how to behave.

...Go!Fast!?? lol

freeand2sexy
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since 09-12-2008
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CA, USA


8 posted 03-11-2009 05:31 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

I agree with Zach, this isn't my cup of tea either, that's probably why I felt that she has written better.

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

GothicCherry
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TN


9 posted 03-12-2009 08:18 AM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

Yupps! Right on the dot Moonbeam..

Or it could be about something else..Lol!
GothicCherry
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10 posted 03-12-2009 09:08 AM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

Turtle...You are so wrong. Lol...
moonbeam
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11 posted 03-12-2009 05:24 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Being serious, and given that you are a teen with no doubt raging hormones (been there done that ), this might just possibly have something to do with unrequited love, or being passed up by a boy or boys over and over in favour of other girls.  Anyway whatever.  If it is meant to be something along those lines then you'd do well to remember Linda Pastan's quote:

"Poetry is not a code to be broken but a way of seeing with the eyes shut"

The idea is not to make your reader solve a puzzle!  Well not most of the time anyway.

A pointer might be a good idea, remember? like Drane did in The Year the Rice Crop failed.  She used the first line to refer to her marriage and thereby point the way for the reader.  

For this poem you could use the Title to point the way, something like:

"Reject", or

"Left on the Shelf"

or something

M
GothicCherry
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since 09-16-2008
Posts 471
TN


12 posted 03-12-2009 06:13 PM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

Lol...

A hint is something I need to work into them from now on I think...

 
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