How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Main Forums
 Teen Poetry #9
 The Name of Darkness
 1 2 3 4 5 6
Follow us on Facebook

 Moderated by: Acies, Dopey Dope, SEA   (Admins )

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

The Name of Darkness

 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
GothicCherry
Member
since 09-16-2008
Posts 471
TN


0 posted 03-09-2009 10:35 PM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for GothicCherry



Clocks are playing saddened tunes.  
Songs of whispers dance to them.
Portals meant for speech now shut.
Standing slouched in hollows, dark
strangers cast their stares at me.

Creaking noises fill my ears.
Shadows start to waltz about.
Straining eyes, I find myself
hid amid the strangers night
made. Now, darkness has a name.

© Copyright 2009 Michaela J. McHone - All Rights Reserved
freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


1 posted 03-09-2009 10:48 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Wow, this is good, I love your wording and the end was the best. The only thing was that I got confused in these lines

"...I find myself / hid amid the strangers night / made."

Oh, but now I get it, you should put a comma after strangers, I think that's what threw me off.

I'm running on empty right now, so that's another reason, too.


With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.
turtle
Member
since 01-23-2009
Posts 491
Harbor


2 posted 03-09-2009 11:40 PM       View Profile for turtle   Email turtle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for turtle

Hi cherry

This is excellent catalectic trochaic tetrameter. This is an interesting meter and an intense cadence. Remember the opening music in "JAWS" DOMPdomDOMPdomDOMP...

And yet when E.B. Browning uses it, her words lilt like a butterfly.

Free - You've got a good eye, but I don't think a comma will fix this. One thing that I do to look for problems in a stanza is to pull the sentence out of the poem and look at it as just a sentence.

"Straining eyes, I find myself hid amid the strangers night made."

Hmmmm. I'm not sure what you mean Cherry?

turtle
RevengeIsMine
Senior Member
since 07-08-2006
Posts 832
Australia


3 posted 03-10-2009 02:53 AM       View Profile for RevengeIsMine   Email RevengeIsMine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for RevengeIsMine

Man i LOVE THIS.. i don't think i could EVER right metre... this is great work hunni.. you should be proud!
GothicCherry
Member
since 09-16-2008
Posts 471
TN


4 posted 03-10-2009 09:46 AM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

Christine- I was half asleep and sick last night while writing this. I see now how it can be confusing at that point. I'll have to find a way to fix that later.

Turtle- I wrote this while thinking about how high school changes people and its hard to find ones self while surrounded by people trying to change others into things they aren't. I was attempting to use night as the metaphor. Just a vent.

Jess- Thanks! Meter isn't that hard once you get used to it. It's simply the stresses of words. Of course, I'm not sure if I use it right or not, but I try. It just sounds better with some sort of form I think.
freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


5 posted 03-10-2009 02:21 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Hey Michaela, it's totally understandable. You were sick and half asleep and your poem was still better than my untitled one, which I wrote not sick and fully awake.

Question, were you trying to use night as an extened metaphor, because I didn't get the night metaphor till the shadows part (that could probably just be me) Correct me if I'm wrong but shouldn't an extended metaphor extend through out the entire peom, or perhaps you wanted it to be just in that stanza.


With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.
GothicCherry
Member
since 09-16-2008
Posts 471
TN


6 posted 03-10-2009 03:05 PM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

Oh I meant just in that line lol
 
 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Main Forums >> Teen Poetry #9 >> The Name of Darkness Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors