Title? (I don't think it's worth one)

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freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

0 posted 2009-03-09 05:10 AM

Okay so this is crappy, yeah I know, another poem coming out my butt. I don't really like this one so much. I don't think it's worth a title, but if you can think of one well let me know. This is really more of a vent since lately I haven't been able to write anything good. (Hope it's decent enough for you Moonbeam, I tried teaching my butt grammar and syntax, but I'm sure you know how butts can be sometimes, lazy and ignorant.)

So plans don’t go the way we like them to,
'Cause now I’m sick of all the things you do.
While every word you say now leaves a bruise,
We break apart as you now light the fuse

I want to say it’s all your fault again,
To lay my weight on you and watch you bend,
But blaming you will only leave me tears,
And plus I need you now to ride these years,

So we’re walking now with arms apart,
About to drift away with puzzled hearts.
I’m losing you, and soon you’ll disappear.
I see it all unwinding now, right here.

Don’t make me cry, if you decide to leave,
To realize we weren’t meant to be.
Don’t make me wish I had still stayed behind,
To gain a friend but to then lose my mind.

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

1 posted 2009-03-09 06:46 AM

Christine, I think you know that this is competently executed.  The meter is fine, and for the most part the rhyme is unforced (except "fuse" perhaps).

Moreover it's neither ignorant nor drivel.  In fact had I seen this in teen a few weeks ago I'd have been extremely impressed.  You've written a poem that most teens would rightly be proud of.

Furthermore the opening line and the closing line have some merit.  The opening because it starts with a bang and promises much with the intriguing word "plans"; the closing because it's neat, Shakespeare-like and reads beautifully well.

What's in between the opening and the closing is however disappointing (although words leaving bruises is quite good).  Unfortunately the "plans" don't live up to their promise; turning out to be thwarted by yet another predictably tearful break up with not one memorable image.

Your writing is at a crossroads Christine.  Obviously you don't have to think about it right now!  but at some point you might like to consider why you write poetry.

You are clearly already a very competent writer - this is well written, well punctuated, good grammar no typos or spelling mistakes, well executed meter, yet it falls into the category of 90% of the poetry written as being an abstract, pleasant, unremarkable, slightly self absorbed literary effort.  If you want move into the 10% of publishable quality work you need to think about some of the things I've been discussing in Michaela's thread.

But in the meantime, good job with this.

M

GothicCherry
Member

since 2008-09-16

Posts 471
TN

2 posted 2009-03-09 08:59 AM

Moonbeam is right. It's nicely done except boring in the middle. I do like the last line.

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

3 posted 2009-03-09 04:06 PM

Well to be honest, I didn't expect much in this poem. I've had no inspiration for the past couple of weeks, and this was just a poem that I wrote to keep writing, 1) because I thought I might get inspiration out of writing it 2) because part of me has to keep writing, whether or not it comes out good and 3) because I also saw it as practice on writing with meter, so I wouldn't lose my touch on that part of poetry, at the very least. The truth is a month ago, I would have loved this poem, but now all I see are the flaws. I'm teaching my butt, but it's getting cranky.

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

pandabear
Junior Member

since 2009-03-08

Posts 36

4 posted 2009-03-09 09:51 PM

to be honest,
you could of been better sorry but thats what I think

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

5 posted 2009-03-09 09:56 PM

Honesty is good, and yeah, this poem could have been better. Thank you for your honesty.

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

6 posted 2009-03-09 10:14 PM

I like the idea and everything. I like how you worded some parts but its not your best. But I have no room to talk, I got freakin writers block. UGH!

Oh well... Keep trying to rewrite this. With some work I think it could be really good.

-Zach

When I see your smile, and I know it’s not for me, that’s when I’ll miss you.

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

7 posted 2009-03-09 10:22 PM

Thanks Zach, writer's block is horrible isn't it? I think I'm getting over it though.

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

8 posted 2009-03-10 02:39 AM

Moonbeam,

You know what I just realized, "fuse" is not a forced rhyme, in my head I agreed with you, because well you're you, you're moonbeam, how could I disagree. But dare I say it, fuse works! You were a tiny bit wrong, well in my opinion

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

9 posted 2009-03-10 04:28 AM

Lol Christine I think there is a misunderstanding.

It's my fault for not explaining what is meant by "forced" rhyme - as opposed to say "slant" rhyme or "partial" rhyme.

A "forced" rhyme can rhyme perfectly as indeed fuse and bruise do, but it can still be forced.

In fact usually it is the very effort to make a word rhyme perfectly that makes a rhyme forced.

So 99% of forced rhymes WILL rhyme perfectly.

There is quite a good description of forced rhyme here:

http://www.poets.org/forum/viewtopic.php?t=6725

M

PS I loved your "it's moonbeam so it must be right" comment! Unfortunately nothing could be further than the truth. Question everything and everyone Christine and you won't go far wrong

.

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

10 posted 2009-03-10 04:42 AM

Hey, I had to try, though I somehow knew that in the end I'd be the one who was wrong, which I'm use to, so I'm okay with it. Just know I will question everything say (well probably like a 5th of what you say.) When you happen to be wrong one of these days, I'll know (who am I kidding you're Moonbeam, lol)

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

11 posted 2009-03-10 04:45 AM

Don't worry I am often wrong Christine. Whatever "wrong" is!

In poetry, perhaps more than in other areas of life, "wrong" is not a very helpful word. Poetry tests the boundaries, and just because something was considered wrong in the past, doesn't make it so.

Your opinion matters

.

And also ... brb

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

12 posted 2009-03-10 04:57 AM

as I was saying, and also it will have dawned on you that whereas whether a word rhymes or not is generally a matter of FACT (allowing for national and dialectal variations in pronunciation), in contrast it is a matter of OPINION as to whether a rhyme is forced.

In the case of your poem it's borderline imo.

"While every word you say now leaves a bruise,
We break apart as you now light the fuse"

Some people will doubtless disagree with me and say that lighting the fuse makes perfect sense in the context. To me it sounded like you'd been searching a bit to hard for a rhyme. But as I said, it's not a bad forced rhyme, in fact it is as I say, borderline.

M

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

13 posted 2009-03-10 05:05 AM

Oh, okay I get what you are saying, but I didn't search long to find that word, wait I didn't search at all, it just came to me a couple of seconds after writing the 3rd line, but I guess just because a word pops into your head, doesn't mean it's the best word to use.

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

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