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Passions in Poetry

Title? (I don't think it's worth one)

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freeand2sexy
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0 posted 03-09-2009 05:10 AM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy


Okay so this is crappy, yeah I know, another poem coming out my butt. I don't really like this one so much. I don't think it's worth a title, but if you can think of one well let me know. This is really more of a vent since lately I haven't been able to write anything good. (Hope it's decent enough for you Moonbeam, I tried teaching my butt grammar and syntax, but I'm sure you know how butts can be sometimes, lazy and ignorant.)


So plans donít go the way we like them to,
'Cause now Iím sick of all the things you do.
While every word you say now leaves a bruise,
We break apart as you now light the fuse

I want to say itís all your fault again,
To lay my weight on you and watch you bend,
But blaming you will only leave me tears,
And plus I need you now to ride these years,

So weíre walking now with arms apart,
About to drift away with puzzled hearts.
Iím losing you, and soon youíll disappear.
I see it all unwinding now, right here.

Donít make me cry, if you decide to leave,
To realize we werenít meant to be.
Donít make me wish I had still stayed behind,
To gain a friend but to then lose my mind.

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

© Copyright 2009 Christine Juarez - All Rights Reserved
moonbeam
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1 posted 03-09-2009 06:46 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Christine, I think you know that this is competently executed.  The meter is fine, and for the most part the rhyme is unforced (except "fuse" perhaps).

Moreover it's neither ignorant nor drivel.  In fact had I seen this in teen a few weeks ago I'd have been extremely impressed.  You've written a poem that most teens would rightly be proud of.

Furthermore the opening line and the closing line have some merit.  The opening because it starts with a bang and promises much with the intriguing word "plans"; the closing because it's neat, Shakespeare-like and reads beautifully well.

What's in between the opening and the closing is however disappointing (although words leaving bruises is quite good).  Unfortunately the "plans" don't live up to their promise; turning out to be thwarted by yet another predictably tearful break up with not one memorable image.  

Your writing is at a crossroads Christine.  Obviously you don't have to think about it right now!  but at some point you might like to consider why you write poetry.  

You are clearly already a very competent writer - this is well written, well punctuated, good grammar no typos or spelling mistakes, well executed meter, yet it falls into the category of 90% of the poetry written as being an abstract, pleasant, unremarkable, slightly self absorbed literary effort.  If you want move into the 10% of publishable quality work you need to think about some of the things I've been discussing in Michaela's thread.    

But in the meantime, good job with this.

M
GothicCherry
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since 09-16-2008
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2 posted 03-09-2009 08:59 AM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

Moonbeam is right. It's nicely done except boring in the middle. I do like the last line.
freeand2sexy
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3 posted 03-09-2009 04:06 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Well to be honest, I didn't expect much in this poem. I've had no inspiration for the past couple of weeks, and this was just a poem that I wrote to keep writing, 1) because I thought I might get inspiration out of writing it 2) because part of me has to keep writing, whether or not it comes out good and 3) because I also saw it as practice on writing with meter, so I wouldn't lose my touch on that part of poetry, at the very least. The truth is a month ago, I would have loved this poem, but now all I see are the flaws. I'm teaching my butt, but it's getting cranky.  

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

pandabear
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4 posted 03-09-2009 09:51 PM       View Profile for pandabear   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for pandabear

to be honest,
you could of been better sorry but thats what I think
freeand2sexy
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5 posted 03-09-2009 09:56 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Honesty is good, and yeah, this poem could have been better. Thank you for your honesty.

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

Falling rain
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6 posted 03-09-2009 10:14 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

I like the idea and everything. I like how you worded some parts but its not your best. But I have no room to talk, I got freakin writers block. UGH!
Oh well... Keep trying to rewrite this. With some work I think it could be really good.

-Zach

When I see your smile, and I know itís not for me, thatís when Iíll miss you.

freeand2sexy
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7 posted 03-09-2009 10:22 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Thanks Zach, writer's block is horrible isn't it? I think I'm getting over it though.

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

freeand2sexy
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8 posted 03-10-2009 02:39 AM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Moonbeam,

You know what I just realized, "fuse" is not a forced rhyme, in my head I agreed with you, because well you're you, you're moonbeam, how could I disagree. But dare I say it, fuse works! You were a tiny bit wrong, well in my opinion


With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.
moonbeam
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9 posted 03-10-2009 04:28 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Lol Christine I think there is a misunderstanding.

It's my fault for not explaining what is meant by "forced" rhyme - as opposed to say "slant" rhyme or "partial" rhyme.

A "forced" rhyme can rhyme perfectly as indeed fuse and bruise do, but it can still be forced.  

In fact usually it is the very effort to make a word rhyme perfectly that makes a rhyme forced.

So 99% of forced rhymes WILL rhyme perfectly.

There is quite a good description of forced rhyme here:

http://www.poets.org/forum/viewtopic.php?t=6725

M

PS I loved your "it's moonbeam so it must be right" comment!  Unfortunately nothing could be further than the truth.  Question everything and everyone Christine and you won't go far wrong   .
freeand2sexy
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10 posted 03-10-2009 04:42 AM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Hey, I had to try, though I somehow knew that in the end I'd be the one who was wrong, which I'm use to, so I'm okay with it. Just know I will question everything say (well probably like a 5th of what you say.) When you happen to be wrong one of these days, I'll know (who am I kidding you're Moonbeam, lol)

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

moonbeam
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11 posted 03-10-2009 04:45 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Don't worry I am often wrong Christine.  Whatever "wrong" is!

In poetry, perhaps more than in other areas of life, "wrong" is not a very helpful word.  Poetry tests the boundaries, and just because something was considered wrong in the past, doesn't make it so.

Your opinion matters .

And also ... brb
moonbeam
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12 posted 03-10-2009 04:57 AM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

as I was saying, and also it will have dawned on you that whereas whether a word rhymes or not is generally a matter of FACT (allowing for national and dialectal variations in pronunciation), in contrast it is a matter of OPINION as to whether a rhyme is forced.

In the case of your poem it's borderline imo.  

"While every word you say now leaves a bruise,
We break apart as you now light the fuse"

Some people will doubtless disagree with me and say that lighting the fuse makes perfect sense in the context.  To me it sounded like you'd been searching a bit to hard for a rhyme.  But as I said, it's not a bad forced rhyme, in fact it is as I say, borderline.

M
freeand2sexy
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13 posted 03-10-2009 05:05 AM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Oh, okay I get what you are saying, but I didn't search long to find that word, wait I didn't search at all, it just came to me a couple of seconds after writing the 3rd line, but I guess just because a word pops into your head, doesn't mean it's the best word to use.

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

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