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Passions in Poetry

My Prison Shall Wait

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GothicCherry
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since 09-16-2008
Posts 471
TN


0 posted 03-05-2009 11:45 PM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for GothicCherry


Asleep atop a lake of misty dreams,
I see those sparkling angel eyes of  yours.
A black enchanting gate is splitting seams
of darkened drapes to grave thoughts I abhor.
The mystical surrounding casts a light
upon your face that steals my breath with ease.
A prison waits with dusty floors for nights,
of magic such as this, to end their seize.
I lay here wrapped in arms of warmth. I stir.
I shiver. Drapes of fear encompass me.
A humid breeze, it questions actions, slurs.
I sink in dreams, and seem to sink in seas.
You pull me closer. Shivers halt, abate.
I know that prison will always just wait.
© Copyright 2009 Michaela J. McHone - All Rights Reserved
moonbeam
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since 12-24-2005
Posts 2038


1 posted 03-06-2009 06:15 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

M this is really quite a competent piece of writing.  Pretty much perfect IP and even a pretty good volta at end of L9.  Altogether a far better sonnet than many I've seen in adult forums.  Well done indeed!

Now all you have to do is get the content to match the competence of the meter.  

We really have to work on eradicating those adjectives, and those, arrrg:

"Misty dreams"
"angel eyes"
"enchanting gates"
"grave thoughts"
"steals of breath"
"dusty floors"
"arms of warmth"
and "sinking dreams"

But that's what we're aiming for in the other thread.  The hard bit.

But don't let my comments about content detract from the fact that you've written a sonnet here which is extremely well executed.  The teen forum is lucky to have such writing!  

Good work.

M
GothicCherry
Member
since 09-16-2008
Posts 471
TN


2 posted 03-06-2009 06:34 PM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

I'm so glad I have you to help me on the harder parts. I do need work on those.

Awwwh, thanks!

I like sonnets. I've read all of Shakespeare's. Lol...
freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 09-12-2008
Posts 703
CA, USA


3 posted 03-06-2009 08:47 PM       View Profile for freeand2sexy   Email freeand2sexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit freeand2sexy's Home Page   View IP for freeand2sexy

Wow, Michaela, this is awesome!

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

Falling rain
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since 01-31-2008
Posts 2165
Small town, Illinois


4 posted 03-06-2009 09:53 PM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

*jaw drops* holy sheets!!! This is fan-tab-u-lus!!! (That's my word for the day xD)
Okay so this was amazing and blew me away. Library defiantly!!!!

-Zach  

When I see your smile, and I know itís not for me, thatís when Iíll miss you.

GothicCherry
Member
since 09-16-2008
Posts 471
TN


5 posted 03-09-2009 09:08 AM       View Profile for GothicCherry   Email GothicCherry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GothicCherry

What's a 'volta'?
 
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