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Teen Poetry #9
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GothicCherry
Member
since 2008-09-16
Posts 471
TN

0 posted 2009-03-05 11:45 PM



Asleep atop a lake of misty dreams,
I see those sparkling angel eyes of  yours.
A black enchanting gate is splitting seams
of darkened drapes to grave thoughts I abhor.
The mystical surrounding casts a light
upon your face that steals my breath with ease.
A prison waits with dusty floors for nights,
of magic such as this, to end their seize.
I lay here wrapped in arms of warmth. I stir.
I shiver. Drapes of fear encompass me.
A humid breeze, it questions actions, slurs.
I sink in dreams, and seem to sink in seas.
You pull me closer. Shivers halt, abate.
I know that prison will always just wait.

© Copyright 2009 Michaela J. McHone - All Rights Reserved
moonbeam
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since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356

1 posted 2009-03-06 06:15 PM


M this is really quite a competent piece of writing.  Pretty much perfect IP and even a pretty good volta at end of L9.  Altogether a far better sonnet than many I've seen in adult forums.  Well done indeed!

Now all you have to do is get the content to match the competence of the meter.  

We really have to work on eradicating those adjectives, and those, arrrg:

"Misty dreams"
"angel eyes"
"enchanting gates"
"grave thoughts"
"steals of breath"
"dusty floors"
"arms of warmth"
and "sinking dreams"

But that's what we're aiming for in the other thread.  The hard bit.

But don't let my comments about content detract from the fact that you've written a sonnet here which is extremely well executed.  The teen forum is lucky to have such writing!  

Good work.

M

GothicCherry
Member
since 2008-09-16
Posts 471
TN
2 posted 2009-03-06 06:34 PM


I'm so glad I have you to help me on the harder parts. I do need work on those.

Awwwh, thanks!

I like sonnets. I've read all of Shakespeare's. Lol...

freeand2sexy
Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704
CA, USA
3 posted 2009-03-06 08:47 PM


Wow, Michaela, this is awesome!

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

Falling rain
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Member Elite
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois
4 posted 2009-03-06 09:53 PM


*jaw drops* holy sheets!!! This is fan-tab-u-lus!!! (That's my word for the day xD)
Okay so this was amazing and blew me away. Library defiantly!!!!

-Zach  

When I see your smile, and I know it’s not for me, that’s when I’ll miss you.

GothicCherry
Member
since 2008-09-16
Posts 471
TN
5 posted 2009-03-09 09:08 AM


What's a 'volta'?
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